Cafcass and wishes

[Tes004]

Has anyone had any recent dealings with Cafcass - all I read is terrible negative reviews -
im in the mist of a custody battle and I just feel so deflated -
divorced 5 years ago and children all live with me- however contact stopped 6 months ago when the youngest disclosed some physical punishment which was reported and as a result social police etc were involved. When the police closed investigation- access resumed and emotional abuse carried on - telling the children lies about me and my partner - planting seeds if you like ! It got extremely bad and I made the decision to stop them going over night until his behaviour was sorted- I encouraged contact via telephone and meet up at parks etc
3 months later he started court proceedings which I favoured as I was constantly threatened that he would remove the children from schools and not return them.
he actually attempted this and I then applied for an interim order of which the judge ordered in my favour.
section 7 report has been done and I already know our youngest aged 9 has said he wants to live with his dad- says it’s only fair as he has always lived with me - he has even wrote to the judge- I feel so sick to my stomach - I have always encouraged their relationships and never spoke a bad word re their father - they have been having 8 hour visits fortnightly which seems to be working great - they are happy to go and have a great time- but I feel that now this is what they expect ‘living’ with dad to look like.
i know this is all for money on ex side - the more nights they have the less money he contributes - he had even told me if I sign to say I won’t take maintenance he would drop custody case -
he has also been issued a malicious comms warning due to messages he has sent me. But I’m so worried that the judge will just see a little boy asking to live with his dad and order it …
it would be horrendous for our family to be separated - has anyone experienced this ?? I hope they read his wishes as a positive thing that he feels loved by everyone but that it wouldn’t make sense for such an upheaval and change for no good reasons - hate that the children have to go through this - and also feel hurt that youngest wouldn’t miss me …. Although I know deep down he isn’t capable of thinking through such requests

Is it really worth preventing access because of that? My daughter says mummy says I have stolen x,y and z. I just tell her to look and see if the "stolen" shoes are in the shoe rack. I wouldn't prevent access because my ex tells lies. I don't think that's appropriate.

You said you have always encouraged the relationship but you prevented over nights? Looks like he has applied to court after police and social services involvement as he had not taken this to family court for 5 years. It's hard not to think these things are related.

9 is maybe a little young for wishes and feelings but I would advise against complicating access. Your son's family is also his dad it's not just you and your new family.

@Skeptadad sorry I prob didn’t make myself very clear - police initially stopped contact due to some incidents. Once that was sorted and no further criminal action taken place they re started - but then further incidents happened and on top of that the children were being told things that were causing a lot of distress - not little lies- so I did make the decision to stop them staying over night until it could be sorted - I paid for mediation etc but the arrangements were never kept in place due to him changing them up- things actually worked well for the first 4 years- so it’s all a little confusing but safe guarding letter stated daytime visits only and prior to that I was taking them to parks etc to make sure they were spending time with dad and also making sure they called etc - they need a relationship with their father and should have one - that has never been an issue

If your son was 12ish then he'd be allowed to stay with his dad 100% of the time if that's what he wanted.

I can't comment on what might happen in your case but have you considered 50/50 for your youngest ?

To be honest the courts really couldn't care less if you are being harassed, verbally abused by an ex partner. Ive been going through family court with a whole load of lies made up about me with an ex whose only purpose in life is to destroy mine and indirectly our child's.

They still expect parents to work in the best interest of the child even though a narcissistic ex partner is making the other parent's l useife hell.

That said 8 years old is too young for the wishes of the child to be taken into consideration. It is normally from 12 upwards they take that into account.

I imagine they will look at if there are any concerns about the care given by the primary carer and what you are arranging for time spent with the other parent.

i haven’t - I think the biggest issue I had is that the incidents that took place were so awful that I would spend so much time worrying- the children use to go for long weekends and shared holidays - which when the children were ‘behaving’ in his eyes - went fine - when they become challenging it all goes wrong - it seems to take a turn for the worst when they spend several nights in a row - I can’t put too much online but currently Cafcass recommends daytime visits only - and I had already tried to put that in place before hand. But he then tried to take them from school. Hence the need for an temp order - I just hope we can all find a way to make it work as I hate to see any of them upset .

@gonnabeok I’m sorry to hear of your dealings with an ex - I guess that’s how they end up ex’s eventually hey ! I just don’t understand anyone making up lies that would cause their children to not have all the security and stability each child deserves - I sometimes wonder how it even came to this - I guess you never really know anyone -
I hope things get better for you - it’s very hard when someone is set out to destroy you and use the ones you love in order to do so - so so wrong

“I can’t put too much online but currently Cafcass recommends daytime visits only “

is this in the CAFCaSS report? I’m sure if you have had residence and majority of care, and CAFCASS have advised against overnight stays I doubt they’d let him have your youngest live with him.

gillick competence is that usually around 12 children can understand more to have input in to decisions. Obviously below that a child can share their wishes and feelings, but they are not viewed with the same weight in terms of decision making.

@Whowhatwherewhenwhynow yes Cafcass said this in their safe guarding letter - I’m yet to receive a section 7 report - expecting it in the next week - but thank you for taking the time to respond

@Tes004
The courts are interested in the welfare of your child. It’s not about what parents want and divvying up the child between them. 50/50 isn’t the best solution for school age DC for lots of reasons.

As your DC is 9, he really does need to understand what family life looks like with you and with his Dad. It’s never going to be the same as daytime visits when school is involved. There’s a routine to be maintained. Your very strong pint is that hex now in y5. That’s a very important 2 years ahead of him and changing schools is detrimental. He needs stability. You should talk to your DS about that and certainly ensure it’s part of your argument for your DS living with you.

I think judges are used to “bribery” of a child to get them to say they want to live elsewhere. A 9 year old will be listened to but often their thoughts are easily swayed towards ghe “fun” parent. Judges see through that.

Put down all the sensible reasons DS should live with you (schools, friends, hobbies, family support) and what contact is reasonable with his dad. If overnights are not suitable, explain why this is unacceptable for your child. You have evidence of previous behaviour of ex etc. I would have continuity of his education as central to my argument. When he goes to secondary and is more independent, there could be greater flexibility.

The court takes the child’s wishes into account but weigh it against other factors such as:
-Physical and emotional safety.
-The homes distances to school.
-Availability of both parents for doing school runs.

I don't know about school our daughter is now in preschool at 50/50 and loves being picked up by mummy and daddy. I really don't see the issue if there's good communication with the teacher.

I am probably the "fun" parent as I don't like sitting at home watching TV and don't like giving kids tablets and iPhones. That's not bribery some parents are more fun than other parents. That can just be their nature. I also have a high income so we can do whatever we like.

I don't think you have anything to worry about OP. You will be fine :)

@Skeptadad You are right. you don’t know about older children and school. Or about what can older child needs. 5/14 is more usual for this age.

OP, at 9 it's unlikely a child's wishes will be determinative, particularly in view of the history of incidents you mention. They listen to the child's views as these are important however children do not make decisions, the adults must.

Around age 12 or, depending on a child's maturity, views may become more determinative but there really is no guarantee that would be the case. It all depends on the circumstances.