Background- historically abusive relationship, I've had a non mol order previously, but unbelievably i came off worse and as a result my ex got more contact while i worked evenings to pay off the legal bill which was higher than hus fine for breaking it but it's been going on over a decade. This is a man that literally gets away with everything. Criminal activity, not paying for his child, he gets away with domestic abuse, and he's threatened me with so much crap over the years I've never taken him to family court.
But after my cafcass interview which I've had to recall years of abuse, my Concerns about his parenting, his abusive patterns of behaviour drug dealing etc
Despite me Contacting police, asking for support the situation , was told that he could legally hit his child if he doesnt leave a mark and unless i had proof of dealing then they couldnt do anything anyway has always resulted in my son wanting to see his dad no matter the circumstance and i recognise they do love each other who despite his authoritarian parenting style, drug use and criminal activity spoils my son to a degree I can't compete with and my son adores his father. Its been noted a number of times by professionals (not childrens services) that it would do him more damage not seeing his dad than seeing him. He's in secondary school and when I've said he can't see his dad if i dont think his parenting is suitable he will just walk out the house and go anyway, they will not speak for weeks at a time, he sends him nasty texts his love is very much conditional there's lots of issues and probably lots of drip feeds as more questions asked sorry.
But I've Just been left feeling like a terrible parent who condones this behaviour when I really dont, but been tormented with such emotional abuse, financial abuse and stress that I was convinced that if I ever took him to court he would get full custody- he has money I don't, I worked long hours he didn't, ive had anti depressants at various points he could give my son more than I could (not emotionally and my child gets plenty from me) of all the times there was violence between us he got away with everyone and once I stupidly assaulted him which I regret but it went on my record and it made it look like I was the bad one.
I'm not sleeping, I'm regretting my court application (basically so I'm resident parent and he has less control over a number of aspects in our lives) and I'm worried that cafcass are going to take my child off both of us and say I'm an unfit mother. I don't drink do drugs, I work, I'm ofsted registered, I have level 5 qualifications child based studies and I do all the parenting- uniform, health dental, diagnosis appointments (child has a lot of difficulties)
Not sure what I'm asking for I know I'm an awful parent and I should have had more balls when I was in my early 20s (he's also a lot older than me so this was another reason) my friends try and reassure me that I'm not but they are my friends they are going to say that. I spent 2.5 hours describing how shit my life had been with him in it and now I just feel like they might Consider my child would be better off. I don't think so I think I'm the best parent I can be for my son but I recognise how awful it looks.
Just wanted any advise from anyone that would know. Thank you.