Sahm, divorce, immigration complications

[Iwonder08]

Hello,

I have (had) a male friend or more like a close aquitaines. He married a woman from his home country almost 5 years ago and brought her to UK and that's how I met her. He is a British citizen, she is here on a spousal visa, due to apply for the settlement /indefinite leave to remain early next year. They have 1 yo child. She is the primary caregiver as he refuse to look after the child alone even on the weekends.
She had a good carrier back home but gave it up to join him in UK. Her English wasn't great but improved a lot however she has been struggling to find an employment here so far.
In the recent months he has been trully awful to her culminating in blocking her credit cards, access to his account. He told her he hates her and wants a divorce and she should take 'her' child and go back to her country. He was verbally abusive and threatening violence.
He doesn't know I am close to her and supportive. I will help her to find a lawyer but I am not sure how she will pay for it given he blocked all her cards. They don't have a joint account. He has an apartment in Uk they live in which he bought months before they got married. He is a very high earner, £100k+. She is not on a mortgage.
Questions:

1. I understand under the UK law she is still entitled to at least a share of the apartment even though it was bought before their marriage. Does anyone know what is she likely to get given 1 yo child and her being sahm? He is very unlikely to want any regular access to the child
2. does anyone know if she has any way to apply for the settlement early on the grounds of financial control, abuse and threats?

Appreciate any help

She can apply for settlement on the grounds on domestic abuse but she would need evidence of this so would need to get the police involved. There is a really supportive group on Facebook call 'I love my foreign spouse' who can give and her you advice on how to get settlement. You can post anonymously on there. If the child is a British citizen that will also help her as she can apply as a parent of a British child but I don't know the ins and outs of that visa.

Thank you so much. I have just messaged the name of the Facebook group you recommended.

And what would his perspective be?

I think separating parents with children need therapists and healing professionals in these situations. Not pressing nuclear buttons and getting the police involved unless there is an indication of danger. My ex involved the police, social services, health etc to make "evidence" and it didn't work. Three years later our co-parenting relationship is probably damaged before repair and that's sad as we have shared care.

Is there a reason he has done that to the cards? Why hasn't he bonded with the baby?

Always easy to take the side of the mum or the dad but never the family. The problem is the parents of these destroyed families will need to get on for the sake of their child/ren in the future. What happens at these tipping points can dictate the tempo of that relationship for the rest of their lives. Far better to try and separate peacefully and amicably where safe to do so.

@Skeptadad it is better for everyone to have a peaceful separation. In this case the wish of the father is to keep all (I mean all) the assets entirely, sent his wife of 5 years and his 1 yo son far away and pay child maintenance based on home country min level which is about £50/month.
He had every opportunity to bond with the baby. He had a gap between jobs when the baby was very little and had time to do everything - feeding, walking, playing etc. I personally witnessed how he seriously told her he spent entire 15 with the child and can't take it anymore. When she had a hospital emergency and had to stay overnight he hired a night nurse as he can't deal with the night waking.
They had family therapy, a couple of sessions but he doesn't like it and says it is all bullshit.

I'm open-mouthed at this.
Healing professionals can't help relationships that are abusive. The man is, according to all the information we have at hand, abusive.
OP, i am not an expert on the legalities but there is no way that she should be high and we like that and she is certainly entitled to both help and financial support (from him moreover). Are you able to go with her to the CAB? Google lawyers in the area and if you could go with her that would be great. I live in a country which is not my own and having these kind of conversations in a foreign language can be exceptionally difficult no matter how skilled one is

@AnuSTart I absolutely will help her with all the communication with the legal people and review everything with her. I have advised her to make copies of all the documents. I hope she will take him to cleaners.

She need to get immigration advice first, you can find a registered immigration advisor at this link: home.oisc.gov.uk/adviser_finder/finder.aspx

It is possible to get ILR for reasons of domestic violence but she will need advice to explain the process and also make sure the conditions on her spouse visa dont leave her destitute when she leaves him. She may not necessarily need a solicitor for the ILR just a registered OISC advisor. There are charities all over the country who will give her the advice for free or nominal fee so you should be able to find one at that link.

Best of luck to your friend, and well done for sticking by her

Yes she can apply for LTR on a D&V visa but she will need a lot of proof, its not an easy visa to get settlement on.
Absolutely tell her to get herself some proper immigration advice as already mentioned.

Well he won't be able to send them away that's not his decision to make.

Could she try going to housing to find out what the situation is? Isn't the priority getting out and establishing a new home?

Of course therapy can help with abusive people anewstart. Success rates for people with personality disorders can be good if someone wants to engage in the process. Wouldn't this be the ideal outcome? For abusive people to become more self-aware and less selfish? Or do they have to be boogeypeople forever?

I totally agree @Skeptadad , but where in the original post this you get the impression he wants to engage in this kind of process?

She can't just go to housing. She has no access to public funds as she is not British citizen.
She can go woman's aid but it means being ready for a nuclear option and being confident she can apply for settlement on other grounds which is not straightforward.
He doesn't think of himself as abusive, in fact quite the opposite. He truly believes the reason for all their problems is her being spoiled and 'not loving him enogh'. He decreed the other day that she should get a cleaning job and take her son with her when she does the cleaning (just a reminder he earns over £130k) if she wants to be able to do haircuts or buy anything. This is pure financial control.
This part is much worse.. He truly believes and announced it yesterday he should be allowed to have sex every other day and shouldn't beg for it. She tried to explain she has health issues now which she does but he dismissed her saying 'you just need a vagina and you have it, I checked'.
So @Skeptadad do you think she should try to work with him and go to therapy to save their marriage?

@Skeptadad I don't think you understand how immigration works on the uk. I do as my spouse is on a visa.

This lady is in a very vulnerable position. She doesn't have ILR and she won't be able to apply for it on her own with 0 income. She is totally reliant on her spouse to stay in the country.
She either has to tow the line until she has ILR, which takes around 6 months to be approved after application, or she applies via the DV route which is incredibly difficult.
This isn't about a relationship breaking down, this woman could end up being deported and losing her child. She has no access to public funds before ILR so she cannot just leave and claim benefits and housing. She is well and truly stuck in her situation. A lot of DV refuges won't take foreign nationals as they cannot claim benefits so they cannot get funding for the place.
The spouse will know all of this and will know she is here at his mercy. He can withdraw her visa sponsorship at any point until ILR is approved.

The priority in this case is getting this lady's stay here permanent so a child doesn't lose it's mother.

If you have no recourse to public funds, it's less likely she will get assistance from women's Aid. Women's aid only works in cases where the woman has the right to public funds. The accommodation and further assistance, such as getting housing for a woman who does not work, needs to come out of things like universal credit or housing benefits.

The first point of call is to speak to an immigration solicitor. Due to no recourse to public funds, talk to law schools near you. They might be able to help pro bono. Or try and find one who can help.

If all fails, social services should get involved. They have a duty to the child as a British citizen. Make sure the mother has the child's birth certificate and passport. Copies will help without that she will be turned away everywhere. They need to have their resident permit. If I think of something else, I will post it.

When you say she has 1 year left, does she have the one year on the card or after the date on the card has run out? Those are two different things. Once you qualify, there is a cooling period of 1 year before applying. Check in case the laws have changed.

@debbrianna she has left than a year left. She needs to apply feb 2023 which I'm guessing is when her brp runs out. You have to submit before your current visa expires now.
OP has posted on the immigration advice group and the advice is to report the abuse to the police and get legal advice. There is a charity that supports foreign women who are in an abusive relationship and can help with immigration and housing but I don't know the name of it.

She is reluctant to go to police so far but will go to GP. Her initial plan was to try and wait until Feb and apply for Ilr after which she can leave him.. For the application she will need a sponsorship letter from him. I personally don't think he has any intention of doing it. I believe his plan is to force her to leave /get her deported

But with ILR taking 6 months, if she applies in February, she might be stuck with him until August.
Can she manage another year with him? Is she confident that he won't cancel his sponsorship while the application is pending?

How can he get her deported when her child is British? Wouldn't that make it impossible to deport the mother?

@Skeptadad one would think so but alas no. She can be deported and the child might be kept with the father. Not that this particular father wants the child

No I don't I wonder I am saying involving the police unnecessarily could inflame the situation and the police will ultimately do nothing so I can't see what the positives would be. I can get behind telling the GP though.

That's so sad what a horrible situation for this poor lady :(

@Skeptadad, Therapy has a low success rate for abusive individuals. This is documented by leading professionals in DV. Abusive individuals can change slightly through intensive therapy however like a rubber band they will always snap back into default position, especially when tired or under stress.

Abusive individuals usually have low empathy which scientists now know is visible on brain scans. That usually can't be changed by talking therapy.

A child isn't automatically British by birth if born in the UN since 1989 (if memory serves), you have to apply.

Unfortunately, she is not the only one. The immigration system put in place traps a lot of women. I haven't seen the legal thread going. Hopefully, something positive can come out of it.

It is a truly awful situation. It is like she is imprisoned in this abusive marriage and there is no clear way out. He can decide what is best of him without any regard for her.
She is due to see GP and have a phone consultation with the immigration lawyer I have found next week. I will keep this thread updating