Help - husband and father is not himself

[Ladywithbaby]

Hello, I am writing on here as I am at a complete loss of what to do. I need to move quite quickly I think but I just don’t know where to start.

3 months ago my husband just changed over night. We’ve been together 16 years and I knew him inside out, or I thought I did, but he has literally changed into a different person. We have a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I’m a stay at home Mum.

He suddenly, one evening, started accusing me of having an affair. He was going through my things, filming in the house, threatening to sell the house and leave me with nothing, threatening to gamble all the money away (he’s had a gambling problem as long as I’ve known him but I kept the finances in order so he didn’t have access to most of our savings) he demanded a divorce, demanded I transfer him all
of the money and demanded I sell the house. I transferred him what was his (he is self employed) and I luckily kept hold of half of our savings and that is literally what is keeping me and the children in the house and fed at the moment. There’s not much though, maybe 3-4 months more.

finally after 2 months of confusion and verbal and emotional abuse from my husband he checked into rehab for alcoholism and gambling saying that he was drinking a lot and that was the cause of his erratic behaviour. I spoke to his therapist twice and he confirmed that my husband was safe to be with the children.

after 28 days he checked out yesterday and came to take the kids out for the day. All seemed to go smoothly until he was about to leave and he suddenly turned on me again, saying he was going to ruin me, take me for every penny, he wouldn’t stop until all my money is gone. He hasn’t worked in 4 months and so he’s saying he doesn’t have to give me a penny. He’s also saying that my mental health is worrying. He said this in front of the children. I asked him to leave and he did but not before saying he was coming to take the kids again tomorrow and that he wanted them overnight.

I don’t believe he is in his right mind. I really don’t. This is not the man I married. I don’t feel comfortable handing the children over to him. I don’t think their mental health is safe in his care.

I am booked to speak to a solicitor today hopefully but I have very little money. I literally don’t know what to do. Should I apply for an injunction?

any advice would be so much appreciated. I’m exhausted and terrified and just want to go back to giving my
children a normal childhood without a father who storms in and out of their house making their mother upset and stressed.

I have a long long list of people who can vouch for my sanity and my capability as a single mother.

Are you working ?
Do you have child benefit paid into your own ( not joint) account ?
Does he have a private pension ?
Do the kids have passports, if so hide them.

Contact the Health Visitor and share your concerns with them.

I’ve just started receiving Universal Credits. I also have a small business which I’ve managed to pull in a bit of money from this month but that might now affect my universal credit. I’m so confused.

Ok, I will hide the childrens passports.

do I apply for an injunction? Do I make contact with him and say I don’t feel comfortable with him taking the children after the threats he made against me (their primary career) and their home? I have a recording of him saying that he’s going to ruin me.

A 3 year old and 1 year old won't understand what he's saying. Are you worried he'll hurt the children?

No I am pretty sure he wouldn’t hurt any of us physically but he is being very emotional aggressive towards me. My 3 year old (almost 4) knows something is going on and is very aware that his father has been away for 28 days and then has come back and not being nice to his Mummy.

The problem is that I don’t feel he is himself. Therefore I have no idea what he is capable of. He has been in rehab for alcohol abuse and so I very much feel within my rights to share my concerns for contact and I think after having been caring for the children completely on my own for the last month, I should be allowed to voice when I feel it’s suitable for him to take them out on his own. I don’t know how to get him help either. He needs help but I don’t know in what form

This sounds really frightening and distressing for you. Have you changed your locks by the way?

I am recently separated from alcoholic husband who was having phases of extremely paranoid and scary behaviour and I've felt a lot safer since changing locks, I was scared to for a while but glad it's done.

I'd recommend giving children's passports to a trusted relative to keep at their house, just in case- especially if you haven't changed the locks.

It wasn't very helpful in my case but hopefully would be for you as you have children, I'd go to the GP and say you're feeling extremely worried because of his behaviour, outline the drinking, rehab and threats. They may be able to signpost you towards where you can get support. Maybe call non emergency police for advice or women's aid?
I rang the mental health charity mind for advice when I was really frightened in the house with my husband.

Your situation must be so much more frightening with children and them being in his care for visits. I wonder if these could be made supervised visits, I wouldn't be comfortable leaving them in his care.

Call the police and tell them the score and that you're changing the locks and you want a log put on the address. Call a locksmith and get that done. If you are friendly with your neighbours and you trust them, go and speak to a couple of them and explain the situatation and ask them if it would be ok if you called them if he turns up so they can take the kids for half an hour if it gets hairy. They are young and they will be ok, but they will understand that there is somthing wrong.

Make an appointment with a solicitor asap, get all your info together re earnings and mortgage. If he comes to the house and causes a scene, call the police. Don't let him take the children out, agree to arrange vistiation via the official routes and go with your gut.

I would also contact the rehab and therapist to outline what you are seeing. If they formed a belief that he could harm you or the children, they should have reported it to SS / police.
But even if they have no reportable concern if he is still going to therapy they have additional information and can make a more informed judgement