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Original poster

Husband will not agree to divorce

33 replies

AshTreeandIvy · 24/08/2022 17:36

The basic details are:
Been together for 30+ years but married since 2019
I have work pension + state pension = just under £2K per month
He has no income and does not get state pension until Oct 2023, it will only be around £400 per month as he’s never been much of a worker and has basically lived off me.
Our house is mortgage free and worth around £300K. He hasn’t paid anything toward it. We are tenants in common.
We have capital amounting to around £80K from inheritances on both sides.

I have supported him all the time I have known him. I know this has been ridiculous but I can’t change the past. He is a spendthrift and wastes a lot of money. I am 67 and he is 65.

I want a divorce and to sell the house and split the capital but he will not even talk about it. Walks away and acts as if I haven’t even spoken. He will not engage at all.

I paid for a one hour consultation with a solicitor but nothing was very clear. I think this was probably my fault as I didn’t know what I was talking about really.

I want to know if I will be able to divorce him without him engaging in the process and how I can force him to sell the house. If I move out does that affect my claim to it (I won’t want to be staying here as he can be prone to anger).

Basically I need to know where do I go from here and am I likely to have anything left at the end of it!

Thank you in advance for any replies.

OP posts:
Hollyhocksarenotmessy · 12/09/2022 15:33

Hi, yes, you can divorce without his agreement. Go back to the solicitor and give instructions to start the process. Finances will be sorted out as part of this.

Threelittlelambs · 12/09/2022 23:06

All he needs to do is acknowledge receipt of the divorce papers. If he refuses to sign then you’ll need to wait two years and no signatures needed.

I would engage a lawyer. You may get legal aid, worth asking about or contact citizens advice.

Pixiedust1234 · 12/09/2022 23:20

Go back to your solicitor but have a list of questions you want to ask. Dont vent about him as that is costing you more money than a counsellor would. Keep it factual.

No fault divorces became legal in April this year which he might not be aware of so the old reasons (including refusal reasons) no longer exist. I would mention that to him as it might make him realise he can't control your application anymore.

LemonTT · 13/09/2022 07:36

You are married after a 30 year relationship, the assets will be divided up as they are now jointly owned. That includes the house, now jointly owned, pe

LemonTT · 13/09/2022 07:39

I was going to add pensions as well.

There is no point following him around the house telling him what you want. File for divorce, book some mediation and get a solicitor.

Positivelypatient · 13/09/2022 07:42

The wikivorce forum is really helpful for reading about everything to do with divorce. It was an absolute godsend when I was going through mine and helped me to understand the process and ask questions that I didn't want to bother my solicitor with.

Goosygandy · 13/09/2022 07:43

There is now no fault divorce. He can't refuse a divorce. It takes about nine months once you initiate things. You can go online to send the divorce papers to him. It costs £500+ and is cheaper than if you get the solicitor to do it (I think they charge £500 to do this on top of the government fee. You need to upload your marriage certificate.

50% each is the basic split, although you may have to pay him maintenance if he refuses to work, sorry.

It will cost £6-7,000 for your solicitor to do all the financial arrangements but it could cost £20-30k if you have to go to court.

Discovereads · 13/09/2022 07:45

You don’t need him to agree to divorce him. He can only obstruct and delay the process by refusing to sign papers, refusing to submit financial documents, refusing to show up in court. But you can still divorce him.

So, agree go back to the solicitor and start the process. Moving out of the home won’t affect your claim to your share of the equity. You can also force the sale of it through the courts. One tactic is also to stop paying the mortgage on it because you have rent to pay, and then the bank will also be endorsing your plea for a court order to force its sale (of course work with the bank on this, don’t stop without talking to the bank).

Due to the length of the relationship and the fact you are married, he may have a claim on your workplace pension- this is a question I’d definitely ask the solicitor about. As it gets fuzzy when you have a 30yr long term partnership, but only 3yrs married.

So sorry you are going through this, divorce is a million times worse when the other person refuses to cooperate. It’s petty and nasty of them and you are in for a long and stressful road. 💐

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/09/2022 07:49

What @Discovereads has said.

Speak to a solicitor, the sooner you start proceedings, the quicker you'll get divorced. Stop engaging with him about it. If he chooses not to engage in the divorce it will take longer, but it will still happen and a court will force the sake of the house if needed. The house will likely be split 50/50, however you'll need legal advice re your pension as you've only been married for 3 years. I was always led to believe that the value of pensions that goes into the pot , is for the time you were married, so whatever you paid into the pot since 2019 - but I could be wrong

prh47bridge · 13/09/2022 08:12

TooHotToTangoToo · 13/09/2022 07:49

What @Discovereads has said.

Speak to a solicitor, the sooner you start proceedings, the quicker you'll get divorced. Stop engaging with him about it. If he chooses not to engage in the divorce it will take longer, but it will still happen and a court will force the sake of the house if needed. The house will likely be split 50/50, however you'll need legal advice re your pension as you've only been married for 3 years. I was always led to believe that the value of pensions that goes into the pot , is for the time you were married, so whatever you paid into the pot since 2019 - but I could be wrong

If the OP and her husband were cohabiting throughout the 30+ years they have been together, it will be regarded as a 30+ year marriage. Everything will go into the pot.

Discovereads · 13/09/2022 08:21

prh47bridge · 13/09/2022 08:12

If the OP and her husband were cohabiting throughout the 30+ years they have been together, it will be regarded as a 30+ year marriage. Everything will go into the pot.

Show quote history

Especially if there were DC and her DH makes the argument he was primary caregiver while OP worked or if her DH has any disability he may be able to argue they’d agreed he’d work PT as and when he could and she was happy to support him. There’s lots of factors that could come into play.

TizerorFizz · 14/09/2022 08:29

@AshTreeandIvy
Pump Court Chambers Family Barristers did a presentation on No Fault divorce. This might clarify your thoughts. I think it’s on their web site/UTube. Take notes and then you can instruct your solicitor with knowledge.

ItsRainingPens · 14/09/2022 08:32

It's not his decision. Just get the legal process going

ZenNudist · 14/09/2022 08:33

Can you afford to divorce him if you get half your joint pension and property?

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 19/09/2022 07:38

Apologies for not responding, if anyone’s still here. I’ve been climbing hills on the Isle of Wight and trying to sort things out in my head. It hasn’t made much difference to be honest but at least I got some peace for a while!

Realistically I could just about survive on half my pension, about £1000, and I could probably find a small flat for around £125K if I move to a cheaper area - I have to balance this against moving away from my friends. But although things will be a bit ‘tight’ at least I’ll have peace of mind. In a year he’ll be getting his pension of about £400 so I guess he’ll then have to share that with me!

On balance peace of mind is worth more. I was brought up to live frugally and my outgoings would be so much smaller without him, he is a great waster of (my) money!

Anyway, I’ve been a bit cheeky and booked 3 free initial consultations with 3 solicitors and have written a list of questions, thank you all for all the help, referring back to your comments was so useful. By the end of this month I should have a much clearer view of the future.

I have to toughen up my heart a bit though! This has all gone on for so long that I feel as if I’m abandoning an adult child. This feeling makes me so damn angry but it keeps welling up. I owe him nothing and he’s definitely made my life much less pleasant than it could have been - I have to hang on to that and keep pushing down the feelings of ‘responsibility’ for him. While I was away, on my own, I thought an awful lot about myself and my avoidance and reluctance to just get on and divorce him - and why I put up with it for so long and then married him when I knew it was the most destructive thing I could do to myself!
My feelings aren’t as a ‘partner’ but more like a ‘parent’. I dug out some pretty deep stuff that I’d always avoided thinking about and I’m still processing it…

Sorry, got a bit deep there! This is a good place to get things out that you wouldn’t say in the real world 🤔

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 07:40

You can go on line and apply to divorce him. He can’t say no to it.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/09/2022 07:44

Good luck op. You're doing absolutely the right thing.

RudsyFarmer · 19/09/2022 07:45

I’m not sure I’d divorce given your ages. The likelihood of him dying before you is extremely high. Why should he and then his relatives get half of what you’ve worked for your whole life? Sod that. You need to be more creative!!! Find a way to downsize into a smaller house and use the capital to buy a second property you can live in. Or find away to live separately in one house if he refuses to divorce. He can do his own cooking and laundry and you get to go wherever you please.

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 19/09/2022 07:52

KangarooKenny · 19/09/2022 07:40

You can go on line and apply to divorce him. He can’t say no to it.

As soon as I know exactly where I stand and have chosen a solicitor my next step will be an ‘online’ divorce.

I know that he will go for everything he can get and refuse to sell the house so I want to have good legal support in place and keep the time that he has to ‘fight’ me to a minimum.

He won’t just sit back and accept this. I need to keep my timelines as tight as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 19/09/2022 08:01

RudsyFarmer · 19/09/2022 07:45

I’m not sure I’d divorce given your ages. The likelihood of him dying before you is extremely high. Why should he and then his relatives get half of what you’ve worked for your whole life? Sod that. You need to be more creative!!! Find a way to downsize into a smaller house and use the capital to buy a second property you can live in. Or find away to live separately in one house if he refuses to divorce. He can do his own cooking and laundry and you get to go wherever you please.

This is pretty much how we live now. I’ve thought about downsizing but it would give me less room to get away from him! As it is we have 2 sitting rooms, one each, which is tolerable. I could probably tolerate this until one of us dies but I don’t want to ‘tolerate’ any more.

I also dread that he, or I, will get chronically I’ll and need looking after - I don’t think I could do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 19/09/2022 08:03

I’ll = ill.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 19/09/2022 08:07

You need to make his life less comfortable now. Don't do anything for him, cook, clean, conversation. He's not a friend anymore if he is blocking the divorce.

What access does he have to money? Make sure you have a separate bank account. Obviously you can't leave him with nothing but don't give him free access to your money.

IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 08:11

Can you remove all your money including what you inherited into a new account, leaving him only with his. Then sit down and tell him this can go one of two ways. He cooperates, you sell the house, you suck up the fact he gets a whack of your hard earned money and you move on or option 2 you will move out, have utilities put in his name and he can feed and fully finance himself and you will still proceed with the divorce since you don't actually need his agreement to divorce him.

RudsyFarmer · 19/09/2022 08:21

AshTreeandIvy · 19/09/2022 08:01

This is pretty much how we live now. I’ve thought about downsizing but it would give me less room to get away from him! As it is we have 2 sitting rooms, one each, which is tolerable. I could probably tolerate this until one of us dies but I don’t want to ‘tolerate’ any more.

I also dread that he, or I, will get chronically I’ll and need looking after - I don’t think I could do it!

Show quote history

That’s true, I hadn’t even thought of the potential for caring duties!! Sod that.

Original poster
AshTreeandIvy · 19/09/2022 08:59

@mumsnet

It’s very odd but this thread seems to have become divided into two!

Ist started on 24/8 but seems to have re-started on 12/9. I honestly haven’t started it twice 😂

OP posts: