Mediation

[winetomorrow]

Been separated for almost a year now and ex has agreed to mediation to get a parenting agreement in place, but ONLY if my sister is also a party to the mediation. Even the mediator thinks it's really weird. She has no say in schooling, day to day care, medical matters etc which are the only matters really that will be discussed. And is of course going to support me entirely. For clarity, he's not asking her to go as a support person but as an actual party to the mediation.

Has this happened to anyone else? Any guesses as to what he's trying to achieve (other than the fee being split 3 ways instead of 2???!). Everything he's done since the split has been angry/spiteful so it's unlikely it's for a good reason, but would love any suggestions as I'm completely confused!

Does he perhaps think that your sister exerts an undue and disruptive influence upon you?

No mediation is not two versus one. Sounds like a narcissist and a manipulative man.

it’s parents only - he doesn’t set the rules

The mediator is independent that’s the whole point

The mediator has said it's highly unusual but doesn't seem willing to push back. We said she's happy to attend despite it being completely unnecessary if he covered her fee as he's choosing for her to be there. He of course has refused and mediation will prob not go ahead unless we agree and pay. No negative influence, but even if she was, it would have nothing to do with our child's day to day care. We've had the same unofficial agreement in place for 6 months (which he has chosen and I have been very flexible with).

I think you say no. Parents and mediator only / if he refuses for any reason that isn’t reasonable then you will find the court will view it very dimly for him.

just say no to the mediator. She is not doing childcare and not involved. End of.

keep it factual and keep a paper trail

Dear mediator

i am happy to attend mediation with Mr …. Father of Adam and Eve regarding contact with the children.

I find his request for my sister to attend and pay to do so, very odd and unacceptable. My sister is not involved with childcare and we do not live with her. That would be like me insisting likewise on his behalf. This request is not reasonable. It is not a three way mediation but a mediation between mother and father.

There has been the added request that my sister pay to be involved in mediation which given she has no responsibility for the children as above - it is just unreasonable.

I am happy to attend mediation with you as a mediator with my ex husband being the sole other party to mediate with, at a mutually convenient date. There will be no change on this and I find his request to be highly manipulative, he doesn’t set the terms of mediation the mediator or court does.

kind regards

Ms …..

We said she's happy to attend despite it being completely unnecessary if he covered her fee as he's choosing for her to be there. He of course has refused and mediation will prob not go ahead unless we agree and pay.

Maybe that’s why. He’s asking for something ridiculous but which can be plausibly reasonable. He knows you will refuse so he can turn it back on you for not co-operating.

I have literally said all that to the person arranging the mediation but he just keeps saying he's independent and can't get invoked blah blah... it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever so maybe I'll go back to them one more time and just reiterate that they have no childcare obligations etc and no say in anything so to please clarify the reason they are being asked to be involved.

I suspect he's just trying to make life as difficult as possible for as many people as possible and by involving someone close to me can then turn round and say we garaged up on him so any agreement is invalid, but just guessing.

Thank you for all your perspectives so far, appreciate any more!

The mediator is right. Their role is to facilitate a discussion between you and your ex, not to decide any disputes.

You just say 'no thank you' and book an appointment for your own MIAM.

If mediation then doesn't go ahead because he refuses to engage, the mediator signs your C100 and you apply to court.

If it feels wrong, you are free to say so and move on...but a clear and unequivocal 'no' is the simplest and most definitive method. The more you say, the more you open the door for further discussion. 'No' ends everything.

Unfortunately the mediation was instigated by me because he won't agree to anything and keeps changing visits etc. I think if my sister says she doesn't want to be part of it then it won't go ahead but he can say it's our fault rather than his. Really want to avoid court if I can, I don't have the time, energy or money for that!

If the mediation was instigated by you, have you already had you MIAM?

If your ex won't partake in mediation because your sister won't be present then you will just get your form c100 signed and you can make a court application.

It won't appear that mediation failed and it was 'your fault' that it couldn't progress.

I know the the thought of court seems daunting, however sometimes it's the best and only way to get child arrangements in place. You don't need a solicitor, you can do it all yourself, so it shouldn't cost too much.

No meetings yet, just a couple of phone calls with me going over the current situation and to him asking him if he would agree (which was when he said yes but only if my sister was a party).

Just attend your own MIAM, explain that your sister will not be attending mediation. The mediation company will then contact your ex to ask him to attend his MIAM and if he chooses not to mediate because your sister isn't there then you will get your c100 form signed.

Just apply to court. You've done your MIAM, no further discussion necessary. He doesn't get to demand a non party third person has to attend the mediation - what an eejit.

Paper trail paper trail. All the time email to mediator and him.

put in your c100 that mr x has refused to attend mediation with yourself and the mediator. That’s the reality.

stick to facts

Thank you all for your advice. I've taken it on board and written to the mediator to say pretty much what @Hopeandlove said, so thank you very much. We will see what happens next. Probably nothing. But you never know!!

My solicitor said to me ‘already be more than reasonable and always have a paper trail’

my ex is a total twat but I would log it all eg text saying thank you for your phone call at 11 pm asking to speak to D.C. as I explained on the phone the children are 4 and 5 and therefore in bed by 7 pm. Also it wasn’t the right day for telephone contact which is Friday according to our agreement - please stick to the boundaries. Thank you. ‘

eg more than reasonable when I wanted to actually socket punch his head.

always think any email
or text might go before a judge.

be reasonable but don’t be a push over

I’m a mediator. Mediation is for parties to the dispute (ie parents) only unless there is some very compelling reason otherwise which both parents would have to agree with. Tbh if I had got a letter as per hopeandlove’s suggestion I would assume that you had taken advice from a friend who is well meaning but doesn’t really understand the process. So many people try and help and want to share their experience but unless they are lawyers or mediators they really should just butt out because their experience/situation may well not be relevant to yours.

By way of update, I told the mediator my sister had no reason to be a party to the mediation but that I was happy to do mediation with my ex. Despite the fact that my ex has constantly refused to discuss anything to do with our child unless we go to mediation, he has now refused mediation with just me and so I have my exemption certificate (based on the parties not agreeing terms of the mediation). I should have asked for George Clooney to be added as a party 😀. Anyway, will let matters sit for a while then decide whether to start court proceedings. No doubt it won't be long before he does something else with no rhyme or reason.