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Original poster

Dp's ex refusing divorce 16 years after they split

48 replies

SeagullAteMyChips · 04/08/2022 07:10

Have namechanged as both families on here!

Dp left his wife in 2006 after she had an affair and started seeing the affair partner permanently. That relationship broke down a few years later at which point Dp was already in another relationship. She was apparently furious about this and refused to accept he wouldn't have her back.

We met in 2017 when he was single and he told me he was divorced.

I wouldn't actually care about the divorce but for 2 things - one is that he told me he was divorced (turns out the decree nisi was done in 2007 but never the absolute) and the fact that we are doing a big build project at home and he needs to contribute but can't as his money is tied up in the equity of the marital home that she refuses to move out of.

The financial agreement, that was never signed, said that the house would be sold when the youngest had moved out. The youngest moved out 2 years ago. The exw has employed an army of lawyers to delay every single document/correspondence. She refused to sign documents and even when we had them formally delivered, she refused to answer the door. She is v wealthy now and is just doing this because she can. She refuses to fill in a form E. Dp has agreed that all he wants is the 50% equity in the house which is all he wanted back in 2006 but she refuses. She is living in a 5 bed house on her own. Dp cannot afford much more in legal costs and she knows this so is just toying with him until he has to give up financially as he can't afford the lawyer's fees.

I genuinely don't know what her end game is. I recently spoke to dp's exgf (she brought round some presents for his kids) and she asked me (unprompted) about the exw as apparently she was a complete nightmare when they were together too.

I sat with dp to look at it yesterday and it turns out it's only his name on the deeds for the house. I now don't understand why he can't just sell the house. I know she would make it impossible as she's living in it (I can see her refusing viewings) but legally could he do this? Is there anything he can do? This is the last legal bill he can pay so after this, he's totally stuck. It's been years of bills!

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 04/08/2022 07:18

Some good info here.

Original poster
SeagullAteMyChips · 04/08/2022 07:31

Thanks. I think he has done all those steps but the problem is the financial agreement. I guess if she won't agree it goes to court and the judge decides. At the moment, she is refusing to fill in the form E. For it to get to the stage where the court rules on that being unreasonable will cost Dp more than he has in legal fees so I'm guessing he has to bow out now.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 04/08/2022 07:35

Would a solicitor agree to be paid after he gets his settlement? Can he be awarded costs for her being obstructive? That’s what my friend had to do.

Original poster
SeagullAteMyChips · 04/08/2022 07:46

Thanks Doit. His lawyer won't accept that - maybe he will have to try and find someone who will. I think she is so difficult it actually seems to put solicitors off and she is v well lawyered up (using well known named lawyers from magic circle firms who literally seem to make the firms Dp use quiver!). They know absolutely every trick in the book for delaying matters.

OP posts:
Doidontimmm · 04/08/2022 07:52

My friend had to change solicitors, best thing she did! Cost a bit but she got costs paid cos of his dicking about.

courtrai · 04/08/2022 08:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at request

WinterMusings · 04/08/2022 08:45

He can't 'bow out'. At LEAST half the house value is his, if not more as she's been living there beyond their agreement.

He needs the money to contribute to your joint house.

Hopefully more people with legal advice will come along soon.

Original poster
SeagullAteMyChips · 04/08/2022 09:40

Thanks Doit, I will tell him!

He doesn't want to bow out but he simply has no more cash. I think his only option is changing solicitors and trying to get someone to agree to get paid out of the proceeds of the sale of the house. There is a lot of equity left in it and he's paid the mortgage all this time (he switched to interest only since the kids left).

OP posts:
CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/08/2022 09:42

He can't just sell it, they are still married and it's still her home. He needs a better lawyer though! Whatever it costs him will be worth it in the end

Sunshinegirl82 · 04/08/2022 09:52

If there is sufficient money in the property then it's reasonably likely that someone will take it on and defer fees although if she's spectacularly unreasonable then it will be expensive unfortunately.

Sounds like everyone needs to stop trying to agree get her to agree, the court needs to order it. I'd be going straight to proceedings.

I think it might be worth a change of lawyer, sometimes it just needs a fresh perspective (not saying the current lawyer has done anything wrong).

Discovereads · 04/08/2022 10:04

Your DP can take out a second mortgage on the house to pay legal bills. After he’s done it, he should tell ex wife that the house equity is paying for the legal bills and he’s happy to keep going as every £ he pays in legal fees, she’s also paying a £ as it’s the house paying for it.

He can do a court order for possession of the home as his ex is technically a squatter at this point.

pliset · 04/08/2022 10:14

This is his mess to sort out. Do not become financially linked to him!

Original poster
SeagullAteMyChips · 04/08/2022 10:14

Thanks - he tried to get more money out on the mortgage and the bank refused. They wanted the house revalued (as mortgage taken out decades ago so all the numbers out of date) and the valuer turned up, she refused to let him in and then called the bank herself and got the lawyers to write a letter to show it was an asset in a disputed divorce and the bank now won't lend against it.

She is really a piece of work. It's cost Dp tens of thousands of pounds to get where we are today. Every step they follow she will drag out for months. Even getting the papers served took months and months and cost every time they went out. It is a ludicrous situation and she is loving every minute of it.

I think you're right and the only way to do this is to go to court rather than keeping on waiting for her to sign things or agree because she is never going to, she's made that very clear. She's also hidden all her money abroad so it doesn't need to be declared (she has alienated her own adult kids but she rather foolishly told them she has been taking out piles of cash and moving it abroad - not that Dp wants any of it at all - but just to show you her mindset!!).

I think his first step needs to be the change in lawyers - thanks so much for everyone's advice. I will let him know so he can get on with it!

OP posts:
Discovereads · 04/08/2022 10:20

Oh that’s too bad. Yes I agree he needs to go to court and play hardball.
Hes been down the high road and tried to be amicable for years and she’s being wilfully obstructive. There comes a time where you can’t be nice and kind any more. It’s not uncommon. A friend of mine just went through a very similar situation.

Shamoo · 04/08/2022 10:25

What’s stopping him going into the house with a locksmith while she is out and changing the locks, throwing all her stuff out and selling the house?

Runwalkskijump · 04/08/2022 10:28

Shamoo · 04/08/2022 10:25

What’s stopping him going into the house with a locksmith while she is out and changing the locks, throwing all her stuff out and selling the house?

Apart from the fact it's illegal and they are still married so she has a right to be there, you mean.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 04/08/2022 10:30

Shamoo · 04/08/2022 10:25

What’s stopping him going into the house with a locksmith while she is out and changing the locks, throwing all her stuff out and selling the house?

The law!!

Doidontimmm · 04/08/2022 10:32

He needs to call her bluff and say he will be moving back in from X date. He is legally entitled to!

Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 04/08/2022 10:39

Get him to move back in and you visit every day.

Shamoo · 04/08/2022 10:46

But he has a right to be there too. So what legally stops him going in to his own house?

TheFormidableMrsC · 04/08/2022 10:48

He needs to put this before the court. I had to self rep. I had no choice as I couldn't afford legal fees. It is a drain and I found it hard work and my situation was complicated by having children. However this is not a difficult situation. It is simply splitting the marital assets in half. The court will order sale of the house. She can be summonsed and served with penal notices if she refuses to comply. That really is his only recourse. I'd just get on with it. There is a lot of information out there, some excellent books written in layman's terms and I used Wikivorce too. Download the forms, fill them in and get them sent. It's a start at least. His solicitor sounds shit anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shamoo · 04/08/2022 10:50

(Genuine question by the way - I would be interested to know what the actual legal provision that prevents it is - given it’s his house (in his name only) and there is no agreement in place between them for her to be there, and it looks like he pays the mortgage alone. Is she on the mortgage OP?)

Bonheurdupasse · 04/08/2022 10:50

I'm not familiar with the UK rules - if he has the decree nisi are they married or divorced? (If the latter, while still being financially entwined)

Iamdonewiththis · 04/08/2022 10:52

Get a new lawyer and get sorted asap. The legal fees can come out of the money. The house will have gone up in value so both have benefitted. She is being controlling, again get a solicitor that understands this. Force the sale, follow the original agreement the youngest has gone.

Naughtygg · 04/08/2022 10:54

I imagine the ex is stalling as she knows what she has to lose. Your dp needs to change solicitors and take it to court.

If they can't come to an agreement with regards the financial order then the judge will decide. The starting point is 50% share of all marital assets and then the judge might adjust that based on each person's needs. It doesn't need to drag on and on.