Child arrangement order for 14 year

[Wagonwheel1]

XH has applied for a child arrangement order for my 14Y DS to live with him one week on, one week off. DS has aspergers and ADHD and his GP and psychiatrist have both said this would be disastrous for him. DS has only ever lived with me in our own house since he was born and I have always been his primary carer and the main income earner. Why has XH filed for 50-50 custody? Because I dared to get married and be happy after leaving abusive marriage with XH. He has moved in with his girlfriend and refuses to pay maintenance for DS. DS is terrified XH / the Court will take him away. He doesn't want to live with XH - never has as XH never lived anywhere that had room for DS so why now? I divorced XH 7 years ago and DS is very close to my DH. Has anybody fought a child arrangement order from XH for a teenage child?

At his age his opinion will be taken into account and also the medical professionals so I dont think XH will get very far.

Tbf you've said the reason why exh hasn't asked for it before, he hasn't had suitable accommodation but he has now. You need to think about your ds, change is inevitable, you might get run over tomorrow and then his life would change. Having another home which he could get used to would be in his best interests.

I was told by my solicitor that 1) there was no way a court would impose a cao on a 14 year old and 2) in the very rare situation they did it wouldn’t actually be enforced if there was one in place

i really wouldn’t worry about it much op it is t going to happen

How we, how often does da actually see his dad? Perhaps that can be encouraged more without actually staying ?

Sorry just realised this is in legal and I’m not a lawyer - hopefully one of well known ones will come along to offer you some proper legal advice …. Good luck op

We had a court order and at 12 ds went nc with his df. Df knew no court would enforce a 12 yo. At 14 you have no worry ime. And with the medical back up of it would be disastrous for ds I would claim Cms and ignore him.

Thanks for all your insights. XH is abusive and invalidating and refuses to discuss or even ask DS if he wants to live qith him - probably because he knows the response would be no - instead filed a court application on my wedding day.

DS has been traumatised by court application and is still in need of therapy that his dad might take him away. For people ignorant about ASD, even the tiniest prospect of change to a secure life is challenging and frightening. DS is very high functioning and super geeky and does well at school and is just finding his feet socially at his academic school. His dad has never shown an interest in him until I got engaged. His dad doesn't pay school fees or child maintenance but thinks he can bully DS around, just to punish me. XH is not permitted to contact me due to his harassment but DS can contact his dad anytime he wants - he just doesnt want to. It's a nightmare.

If I was run over, DS has 3 other guardians/family who would be ready to move into my home to take care of him. Don't assume I have not made arrangements for him.

He’s only filed this to cause problems, the fact it was on your wedding day tells you all you need to know. As PP have said, at 14 he can choose what he wants to do and no court will entertain it.

“Retaliate” by filing for CMS. 1) He should be paying for his DS, even if you don’t need the money it can go into a savings account for when he’s older. 2) His actions need consequences and he can pay out his pocket

It's is unlikely to be successful but unfortunately you'll have to follow the process.
First hearing will be to outline the case. You don't need a solicitor but worth it for reassurance of the process.

At that hearing it's likely a judge will order a Cafcass report , who will separately speak to your ds, you & your Ex and other relevant parties, such as professionals involved in his care.

Cafcass will write a report with a recommendation. If ds says he doesn't want tosee his father more then it won't be forced.

Unfortunately vindictive people can use the courts which will incur costs fie you.

What a strange response. Why should anyone have to move out of their home on the whim of another person, especially if their mental health will suffer.

that is hardly in the best interests of anyone, never mind a child with special needs.

can you imagine if someone told you that had to go and live in another house every other week just because a family member wanted you to?

OP don’t worry and tell him not to either. You have medical evidence, he’s 14 and doesn’t want to do it either. Oh and definitely claim maintenance - why would you not, they money is for him, not you.

I was in a vaguely similar position 7 years ago. My child's doctor (paediatric psychiatrist) diagnosed ASC (Aspergers) and also assessed them for Gillick competency.

I was told that if it ever went before a family court they would write in support of the child, stating they were Gillick competent so could choose themselves, and that it would be psychologically damaging to them to have shared care in this way.

Can you get your child's doctor to state something similar?

It's not in the whim of another person through is it, it's to live with his father.

My ex took me to court a few years ago when dd was only about 8. The court saw through his bullshit and actually told the ex he was playing games.
Even though it's scary and stressful you have nothing to worry about. Gather the professionals reports to take with you.

Thank you @underneaththeash you are spot on.

@RedHelenB the DF of my DS has moved house 4 times in 4 years. Why should my DS be forced to changes homes across the county just because his dad wants to move from house to house depending on which girlfriend he is living with on any day of the week.

@toooldtocarewhoknows I am in a very similar situation. Wish me luck.

I wanted to update you on this harrowing case in case you naively think lay judges are informed about ASD or give credence to the views of 14 year olds. At the final court hearing I managed to negotiate with XH for 14 year old DS to be able to live at home full time ie residence with me but XH demanded DS had to see him at set periods during the week and alternate weekends at XH's convenience rather than accommodating DS's schedule and wishes. My barrister managed to get the phrase, "subject to [DS's] wishes and feelings" into the final court order wrt visitations. The lay judges - same panel as presided over the first trial - were again dismissive of DS's ASD and his desire to live at home full time because they are driven by the ideology of shared residence at all costs.

XH ceased to pay child maintenance - during the court trial he paid the statutory minimum - immediately after the final hearing. No surprise.

After the final hearing, DS told XH to f* off and that he was not a very nice man and he never wanted to see him again.

DS cried with relief when he found out he would not be "taken away" to a stranger's home (XH lives in his GF's house) but it has taken DS almost a year to recover from his anxiety. XH has threatened to sue me again for contempt of court for not physically forcing 6' DS to see him etc.

A year after the trial and I still have hundreds of thousands of pounds of legal fee debts and my health has been severely compromised by the accummulated stress of the court trials - BUT I would do it all again. DS is happy, secure and thriving, despite moments of anxiety.

Any parent who sues their DC to force them to live with them should think long and hard - you are only harming your DC. Nobody, and especially a child with ASD, should be threatened with forcible removable from their loving family and home against their wishes because of a non-resident parent's desire to punish and control their ex.

@toooldtocarewhoknows my DS psychiatrist did write a letter to the court that DS was suffering from acute anxiety and stress because of the risk he would have to live away from home against his wishes. The lay judges did not care and disregarded this medical opinion because DS attends a mainstream school. They dismissed him as high functioning even though he is only high functioning because of the amount of support he receives at home.