Child court order

[SRJ7]

I share a child with my ex. He wants to have regular contact but as he works shifts it's all on his terms. He's forever cancelling days, changing the dates that he wants him last minute, refuses to take annual leave in the school holidays, withholding him the next time he has him if I've said no to a date. I could go on!

We have an awful relationship, he's blocked most of the time so I don't get abuse. I'm tired of it all being on his terms and if I refuse then I get paragraphs about what a terrible mother I am.

It's got the point where I'm thinking a court order might be the way forward. I can't afford a solicitor so would need to do it myself.

Would it be worth it? I know the court can't force him to see our child, but that's not the issue as he does actually want to, just all on his terms.

Yes you could apply. He’s a shift worker donuts never going to be easy for him is it? However get something agreed and then everyone should be happy.,

Outcomes of family courts are pre-determined. Therefore you can successfully apply for or challenge a child arrangement application as a litigant in person. Attempt mediation if you can.

For shift workers with unpredictable rotas or long commutes the court usually order:
-1 mid week contact
-Every other weekend
-Alternate weeks during summer holiday
-Alternate half terms
-Alternate Christmas

Your ex can off course only accept what we can reliably commit to.

If he wants to spend time with the children regularly then he should consider changing job.

@BeNice01 Thanks for the info. He works some weekends so he wouldn't be able to do every other weekend! His contact is very random due to his shifts, there's no set pattern.

Children and yourself need stability. If being a parent is important to him, he will need to do like what other parents do which is to either:

1. Tell his place of work that he needs every other weekend off.


2. Change job.

His job should be flexible for childcare not the other way around.

"Outcomes of family courts are pre-determined."

They literally are not.

And the court is used to arranging contact for people who work variable shifts. The usual approach is that contact needs to be flexible and responsive to shift patterns. How else will parents who work shifts get to see their children?

And I speak from my experience as a family solicitor dealing with these kinds of disputes.

@Collaborate How flexible do I need to be in regards to his shifts and contact? He doesn't let me see his rota, just tells me when he wants out child. He regularly changes dates that he wants DC without much notice. It's impossible!

Flexibility is good but uncertainty for contact is unhealthy for the the child and yourself. You can't live the coming years unable to plan 2 weeks ahead.

If he wants to be a committed parents he must at least attempt to have a pattern of a few days off in a month. This is not possible with all jobs but a strong effort should be made for planned contact so that the child doesn't end with every session not knowinf when they will next see him again.

Just been to court for this reason. Dad refusing to have his daughter overnight but saying I don't give enough contact.
In her best interests for consistency they said he should use his holiday and commit to having her in school holidays. The judge was quite pushy but got him to agree to a the whole years dates in advance so now we both know where we stand and no more excuses from him. Now I can plan in advance and hopefully my daughter will have a more consistent relationship with her Dad. Good luck xx

@Coffeepot76 Hi, does your ex work shifts?

yes works sleep ins and days so kept saying he couldn't have her whenever it didn't suit him. The court wanted to see him commit to something and make effort to see her consistently.

Do you have any idea what his rota issue pattern is? So for example my nhs ward is done month at at time, but can be a little last minute for the first week of the month at times. Others have a rolling 4/6/8 week rota.

If you do I would put it to him that contact needs to be agreed the day after his rota for the month appears. After this you will allocate days and will not change. If he can't meet those days then he looses the time. If he genuinely wants to see the kid he will get his act together. If it is just a ploy to mess you about / control you, he will shout and scream... at this point it is time for mediation before court in my view. Ask the court for a contact schedule which is X number of days a month, set 1 month ahead at least, with some additions for school/summer holiday and Christmas etc provision.

Oh and if he is sending barrel loads of abuse - use one of the parenting apps and remove all other forms of communication. That way the report from the app is submittable if need be.

@Coffeepot76 @LittleOwl153

Thanks for the advice. He won't give me his rota but will send me 3 months of dates at a time that he wants our DC. He does see DC regularly but quite often cancels. He doesn't provide the most stable environment and my DC has expressed a wish to see him a bit less. For example, he is supposed to have DC this weekend but DC is adamant they don't want to go because of the chaos last weekend. I've then had abuse saying that if I don't force them to come then he will take me to court for at the very least, 50/50.

I would definitely go to court but I just don't know if they would force DC to go more than they want to.

I had threats so took him to court first cost me nothing as on low income represented myself (not bad at all) he wanted a full week in the summer, my
argument was that she would struggle to jump from alternate weekends to a full week she struggled with the separation and all the changes so need's consistency. The court suggested staggered overnight stays in the holidays and told him he could agree there and then or come back at a much later date and the court would decide for him. So we settled it. I'm just hoping he sticks to it now.....time will tell.
good luck with everything x

Absolutely agree parenting app 100%"

Get a parenting app. Block him on everything else.
Our family wizard is good but if he's ever Abusive to you by text or email then "talking parents"

Have a read & it's perfectly acceptable to use this as sole way of contact. It includes calendars and some apps include calculators for costs of items kids need etc & a text messaging service that is unalterable & details of the app can be shared with courts/solicitors etc

How old is the DC? If they are secondary age then they definately get a say. Primary age is more difficult.

Get the parenting app, communicate soley though it, keep track of what time he asks for on the calendar within it and when he turns up. If DC is secondary and refuses to go then thats ok - DC are allowed to seek consequence of being mucked about just as much as adults are - but note that decision too. Communicate it through the app and leave it at that.

If he mentions court again, say "go ahead, DC needs some stability and hopefully that will give it to them." My guess is he won't. In the meantime you are collecting evidence through the app as to what the true pattern is.

Court for you unfortunately won't solve the issue as he is giving you dates 3 months at a time. Provided that they are reasonable dates and you can work around them, you wont gain from going to court as court will say you need to make DC available on x number of days a month as defined by Ex rota. They will NOT force him to stick to picking DC up on those days sadly. Although if he changes them frequently - wanting to swap days - you can put a stop to that. again use the app.

Good Luck!

btw. does he pay maintenance? Is this linked to the number of days he asks for the DC or the number of days he actually shows up?

Just reading back the witholding could be addressed by court if that is frequent...