Grandparents and child custody fight

[Rosielax]

Hello all.
I have lost primary custody of my daughter to her father and I’m allowed to have supervised contact at my parents with her every other weekend until I’m well enough to have her unsupervised. I can contest this however it’s best for my child at this time and I would not win.

here’s where the tricky part comes in my parents are making things very difficult and not happy about me being around them and are the ones grieving and slating me to everyone who hears and saying I don’t care/am turning on waterworks. Believe me I am absolutely broken but this is what’s best for her right now and I have to accept that and also what’s best for her is being around her mum on her weekends at home. I am not a threat to her, however I am obviously unwell and currently unable to control low moods and do not want my daughter to see that. after trying to take my own life last week, I need to get better and things to change but me and my daughter still need time together and a relationship. But all along parents have been trying to prevent that, haven’t been willing to help and have been trying to get custody of her themselves.

it just is very tricky. Contact will be every other weekend unsupervised at my parents. Due to my health, having her at a young age and her dad not being around a lot of her life my parents have helped out however they have helped out ‘too much’. Even when I am well they have took over all of her homework, all decisions around her, asking her if she wants to sleep over multiple times a week, what she wears etc and I’ve been too unwell/scared to protest and let’s be honest as a single parent it’s easy to let others take over time to time, they are now making things very difficult. Getting it into my head we have lost her and it’s my fault and my mum breaking down at school gates, gossiping and spreading what she wants those to hear my whole family apart from my birth dad have disowned me I understand it’s painful for them I really do but I’ve lost my daughter and they’re acting as though they’ve lost their child and are still prioritising their time with her over mine. Her behaviour started to get worse also due to lack of stability and no boundaries at their house despite my complaints.

I have seen text messages also of my mother stating she is trying to get custody and saying my child doesn’t want to be and wanted to stay with grandma which was not true (child was overjoyed when she had the green light to come home from ss after previous hospital visit). God knows what they say to my child behind my back. For example child knows mummy also has a drink problem thanks to my parents and knows mummy was in hospital trying to hurt herself. What 8 year old should know that? She was not in the house at the time

dad is now recognising this and trying to wean parents into behaving more like grandparents but they don’t understand this and what is happening. They won’t let me sleep over with my daughter and tried to stop me from viewing the school telling me infront of her I was not welcome. They also rang dad yesterday asking to take her on holiday next year with just them two (without my knowledge. This isn’t the first time they’ve done this however with what has happened for them to do this is ludicrous in my opinion) and when they were told no got my child to ring and ask. Now dad is reconsidering letting child stop with my parents and afraid contact centre or just a few hours every other weekend will happen. Just ranting any advice on this is appreciated as I am grieving being my daughters primary care trying to stay sober and get myself better and I do not need this right now they are not thinking of my child but their needs and believe me, I want to go to court and protest but that wouldn’t be in her best interests and it is a toxic environment she does not need

i understand completely it’s painful as they are very attatched and have had a key feature in my child’s life but how do I get them to think rationally, prioritise and help me and my child maintain a relationship and more importantly offer us support and maintain a healthy relationship with each other infront or her? There has also been comments made to me infront of my child by them many times however it has got worse in the past week… although social worker has spoke to my mum and put a stop to this

this is hard for everyone but we need to work together FOR the child. Whilst I am trying to get better this is also very bad on my mental health (although I have said they can abuse me as much as they like by text which they have been, and to my face as long as my daughter has no knowledge of it and sees healthy happy relationships)

me and dad are wanting to get together sit down with them and talk it all out but I know it will end up in a row with parents blaming him and him blaming them etc. both sides are quite narcissistic and don’t realise they’re at fault (not saying everyone doesn’t from time to time me included but I can own up to my wrongs and think about how to move forward!)

I have been leaning on my birth father for support. Him and my mum do not have a good relationship and my mum is also unwilling to have him involved and work with him and protesting at having him involved with child’s care whereas me and her dad are having him involved.

thankyou

Also parents have been to solicitors etc to try and get custody over her father I also understand this to prevent child moving schools and give her normality however I feel this is in their best interests not here

I'd go with what her father wants and have supervised contact at a contact centre. A few hours free from their toxicity will be better for your relationship with your daughter than a whole weekend with them dripping poison into it. (Probably do wonders for your mental health too.)

I understand that however I’d rather prevent it I guess I’m ranting as much as asking for advice here. I want to be with her and go on days out with her still. I’m considering asking dad if they can have contact as long as I sleep over or am there. This will be hard on me mentally but if I see her I don’t care. There is also possibility of me stopping with my father and her at his house however he only has one weekend off a month.

It sounds like you and her father are trying to do whats best for your DD, whilst your own parents are trying to take over. Their behaviour sounds very challenging - could this have contributed to your poor mental health? Does your DD have a social worker? If so, what do they suggest happen in your DDs best interest?
I agree, seeing your DD in a contact centre sounds like the best solution for now.

This has definitely contributed. For example I asked to stop over the weekend as I wasn’t well before this has all happened and got told no. Also my mum walked in on me overdosed called me an idiot and walked out this isn’t about me but I needed to rant about it! She’s also made it clear I’m not welcome now unless I’m there to see my child aswell as influencing people to disown me. DD has a social worker who her dad is speaking to today and is aware of my mothers behaviour

Any chance you can all go to counselling?

as it stands you said your child’s dad wasn’t around for a long time and you were present and happy for them to become default parents for what sounds like many years.

Then they go from being the most parent like people in her life, to not really seeing her and having to go through a man who didn’t bother with the child for years.

i get this is incredibly hard for you and you know it’s hard for them. But I don’t think this level of emotional hurt can just be sorted with a chat.

I am no angel but I have tried to get help from both them and other services to be let down. I self medicated to cope I wish I could turn the clock back I really do. But I own up to that and am now doing what’s right and needs to be done. I’m trying to prioritise myself now and get the help I need but their behaviour is worrying me sick that things will get even worse and contact will be even more limited

and what’s crazy is even with their treatment of me and lack of concern about my life (example not helping me get emergency mental health medication at weekend) I’m concerned how they will cope as they see my child as theirs my stepfather is older now and in ill health which is getting worse and of course I’m to blame. I’m very worried the stress will cause a fatal decline.

I feel for you..
I'm a bit confused- when you talk about the grandparents is this your biological mother and father..or is it a step father and your mother?
It sounds to me like your parents (?) are the root of your issues, unhappiness and absolute lack of control/helplessness/addictions re your own life and now, by extension, your child's.
You sound broken..
You are in such a vulnerable position and appear to be surrounded by toxic, emotionally dangerous people who get their oxygen by seeing you suffer.
IMO it is imperative that you get a good, wise counsellor who understands the dynamics of a child (you) being broken and controlled by toxic, narcissistic parents..
I am so sorry you are suffering so badly. You clearly deeply love your child.

Is this your mother and stepfather? Would it be possible for your supervised contact to be supervised by your biological father instead?

I do understand that, but for both your sakes you need to find an alternative. You won't get unspervised contact with your child until you are stable emotionally. You won't get stable emotionally if you cannot walk away from toxic, damaging relationships.

Use contact centres. The benefit of using them is written reports that can be used as evidence in your favour for court hearings.

So I have a pregnant daughter who's in-laws re wanting to fight for custody of her unborn baby . Do they have any chance of winning and taking my daughters baby once born

@ChicBrickShark start a fresh thread of your own. Nearly everyone is going to answer the original post.

I have no answer to your question. From reading on Mumsnet, removing a child from a mother is very difficult. When you start your own post, include relevant information such as the mental and physical state of your daughter, how much support she is receiving and why the other grandparents think removal is in the child’s best interests.

@ChicBrickShark - As @TheSandgroper says, you should start your own thread. However, no-one can answer your question on this little information. Why do your daughter's in-laws argue that your daughter's baby should live with them?

Oh I don't know these situations are very messy. I'm imagining your DM is really stressed & didn't expect to be looking after a child full time, even if it's her grandchild.
SS are a nightmare I don't know what I would do in your situation