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Original poster

Partners ex is unreasonable

12 replies

historygirl12 · 12/07/2022 23:30

Apologies as this is a long one.

My partner has a 6 year old child who lives with him. Him and the mum are divorced because she had an affair and got pregnant with this man’s child. She now lives with her new partner and child over two hours away from her eldest child and has done for 18months. They said they would move back to the area so she could see her eldest more, this is no longer happening. There have been occasions especially before and after new baby was born where she didn’t see her eldest for almost two months. The mum sees the eldest every other weekend and half of the school holidays.

My partner is the primary carer. Even before moving the mum had no involvement in their schooling, hobbies, taking them to friends parties or arranging for them to spend time with grandparents and cousins etc my partner has always done everything. I have been with my partner for a year and also have a child. Our children love spending time together and the children have met our families and it is all working well.

The problem is that the ex doesn’t think that my partner should have him for very long over the holidays as child is always with the dad and that the child should give up swimming lessons and not go to friends parties if it means she misses out on her time with the child. She rings and shouts at my partner in front of his child if she finds out we have all spent time together. Recently this has been because we had a tea party for my mums birthday which we all attended. In addition she rings on a night to speak to her child which is fine but sometimes doesn't make these calls then gets annoyed if she rings the next day and they are out or doing school work etc so are unable to speak to her. They do try to ring back but again may not be able to get through. My partner is again blamed for all of this.

My partner has always allowed the child to be with the mums new partner and his family. Apparently that’s allowed as ‘she is his mother’ but it’s not allowed where me and my family are concerned.

The ex blames everyone for her choices, she blames my ex for the fact she had an affair for over two years and would spend weekends and long periods of time away from her child to spend time with her now partner. She also made the choice to move away but again blames others.

I am sorry for the long post but I am after some advice as to what I can do to help and advise my partner. I feel like we are going around in circles and if we decide to move in together that she will make our lives miserable or take drastic action. The child prefers living with their dad and often when they go to their mums does not want to speak to their mum and cries when they know they have to go to their mums. I feel so helpless for this child as I hate to see them in distress.

OP posts:
BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 23:38

historygirl12 · 12/07/2022 23:30

Apologies as this is a long one.

My partner has a 6 year old child who lives with him. Him and the mum are divorced because she had an affair and got pregnant with this man’s child. She now lives with her new partner and child over two hours away from her eldest child and has done for 18months. They said they would move back to the area so she could see her eldest more, this is no longer happening. There have been occasions especially before and after new baby was born where she didn’t see her eldest for almost two months. The mum sees the eldest every other weekend and half of the school holidays.

My partner is the primary carer. Even before moving the mum had no involvement in their schooling, hobbies, taking them to friends parties or arranging for them to spend time with grandparents and cousins etc my partner has always done everything. I have been with my partner for a year and also have a child. Our children love spending time together and the children have met our families and it is all working well.

The problem is that the ex doesn’t think that my partner should have him for very long over the holidays as child is always with the dad and that the child should give up swimming lessons and not go to friends parties if it means she misses out on her time with the child. She rings and shouts at my partner in front of his child if she finds out we have all spent time together. Recently this has been because we had a tea party for my mums birthday which we all attended. In addition she rings on a night to speak to her child which is fine but sometimes doesn't make these calls then gets annoyed if she rings the next day and they are out or doing school work etc so are unable to speak to her. They do try to ring back but again may not be able to get through. My partner is again blamed for all of this.

My partner has always allowed the child to be with the mums new partner and his family. Apparently that’s allowed as ‘she is his mother’ but it’s not allowed where me and my family are concerned.

The ex blames everyone for her choices, she blames my ex for the fact she had an affair for over two years and would spend weekends and long periods of time away from her child to spend time with her now partner. She also made the choice to move away but again blames others.

I am sorry for the long post but I am after some advice as to what I can do to help and advise my partner. I feel like we are going around in circles and if we decide to move in together that she will make our lives miserable or take drastic action. The child prefers living with their dad and often when they go to their mums does not want to speak to their mum and cries when they know they have to go to their mums. I feel so helpless for this child as I hate to see them in distress.

Unless you have a specific legal question I'm not sure you will get much advice here. If you're worried about custody, the court always prefers the status quo. If she's moved 2 hours away and the child is already in school there is not a judge in England who would order the child to go and live with her. The only way she will get more time with the child will be if she moves closer to where his life is.

LoonyIdea · 12/07/2022 23:41

So she isn’t happy if there are things arranged like parties etc during the time when she would be having contact? Fair enough.

BetterFuture1985 · 12/07/2022 23:44

LoonyIdea · 12/07/2022 23:41

So she isn’t happy if there are things arranged like parties etc during the time when she would be having contact? Fair enough.

Yes... this is a dicey area. If it's her contact time and she's around then she should be the one taking the child to the party. Also, the OP's partner should try and avoid activities like swimming that impacts on the ex-wife's contact hours.

Doona · 12/07/2022 23:50

then gets annoyed if she rings the next day and they are out or doing school work etc so are unable to speak to her.

A 6 year old child is too busy doing school work to talk to his/her own mother?

ChrissyWakeUp11 · 12/07/2022 23:51

I’m not sure there’s much you can do to help your partner other than be a supportive listener and encourage him to try and work constructively with his ex (where possible!) for the benefit of their child. It does sound frustrating for you both but if you’ve only been together a year I’d hesitate to get too involved in their parenting arrangements.

Original poster
historygirl12 · 13/07/2022 05:47

Apologies for not making it clear. She doesn’t like it during the time she doesn’t have contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
historygirl12 · 13/07/2022 05:53

The partner isn’t arranging the swimming or anything it’s been a lesson which has occurred every week for about 3 years. The main parent offers for the mother to take the child to the friends parties and things but it’s always refused.

OP posts:
Original poster
historygirl12 · 13/07/2022 05:55

Not always, I might not have made it too clear so apologies. The child doesn’t always want to talk as he is playing or doing something so they will speak for a couple of minutes and then go off and do something. This makes her angry and she shouts at the child’s father which in turn upsets the child as he doesn’t understand why.

OP posts:
Original poster
historygirl12 · 13/07/2022 05:56

its when it is not her contact time but she is still unhappy about it.

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 13/07/2022 06:10

OK that's more clear.

It sounds tough but time think the advice would be to do what anyone with an unreasonable ex needs to do is shut down the conversations.
So communication reagring contact or anything else regarding the child needs to be discussed via email or a co parenting app.

If she rings give the phone to child and allow child to talk as long as they want when they don't want to talk any longer. Simply say oh Johnny is off to play with his legs by see you on Friday at pick up and hang up.

Keep regular contact and the EOW and half holidays for a parent too far away for midweek contact is perfectly reasonable.
If she objects suggest mediation to come to a more formal arrangement.
As others have said if child is in school and settled with dad as resident parent a court is highly unlikely to unsettle them.

Original poster
historygirl12 · 13/07/2022 06:17

Thank you so much, that is great advice. It is tough. I’m very lucky that contact for my child with their dad is reasonable and easy but I am aware I’m one of the lucky ones!

thank you for the reassurance, it is much appreciated as it’s a frightening situation in some respects.

OP posts:
Skeptadad · 13/07/2022 09:01

I don’t know if you are one of the lucky ones there’s millions of brilliant dads out there!

I don’t have any communication with my ex when she is with either one of us and we have 50/50 shared care of our toddler. Works just fine.

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