What can I do about ex who keeps contacting me

[motheroreily]

Hello I was hoping for some advice.

I've made an application to change an exisiting child arrangements court order. This was due to my exs mental health. He'd stopped seeing our child at his own choice as he couldn't cope. He'd also had bad arguments with his wife while our daughter was there. I've posted before but he also said some horrible things to our daughter like don't have a daddy then and I'm getting rid of your pet because she didn't want to see him. He also took several overdoses. He's decided he wants to see her again. Which I've tried to support but it's been hard our daughter didn't want to see him but she's happy to now but doesn't want to rush. He wants to jump straight back in and not build up and see how things go. He also won't confirm another adult is there.

Anyway I just say that as background. So you can see I didn't do this on a whim.

After speaking to Cafcas I suggested he sees her one day at the weekend and one day after school until we've been to court and had the mental health reports . He is not happy with this. He wants another day in the week and extra hours at the weekend and to go on holiday abroad.

I don't want to speak to him on the phone because he just hounds me, blames me and swears. He goes on and on asking why I'm changing the order. What right do I have. Telling me he's recovered and today called me a c word. So I've stopped answering the phone.

He sends a lot of texts and emails. They're really long in length and he Prob sent about 15 yesterday. He'd say as a father he needs to communicate with me. But they're just him accusing me of alienation and asking why I'm changing the order. He's also wanting to know how our daughter is doing at school, how is her education, is she eating 5 a day, how's her friendships, he thinks her shoes are damaging her feet. Then messages saying why don't you answer. Its excessive. He said to me if I change the court order he'll be on my case wanting to know everything that's happening.

It is causing me so much stress. I just don't know what to do. Can I get a legal letter asking him to stop? If I say he can only contact me about our daughter he'll say "well I am contacting you about her well-being" but it's not it's a way of getting at me and trying to get me to change my mind. could I say I'll send him one email a week updating him. Or ask his communication comes through someone else.

It's making me want to give up on changing the court order and making me so stressed. Please help.

Sorry if I’ve missed it but do you have a solicitor?

No I don't have a solicitor at the moment.

I was hoping to represent myself in court but am now reconsidering this.

Can you get him on to a separate email and phone number?

So that then you can look at what he's written once a day (to start with, becoming less frequent) and answer in a single return message.

You can't really withhold school info - he could get it directly from the school if he wanted, if that would suit you better then tell him that and don't forward anything from them. OTOH, you might prefer him not to do that in which case you should send things on.

Boring 'grey rock' type answers to everything else.

If he complains about her shoes, then suggest he takes her to buy a pair he things are more suitable. Questions about friendships, tell him that AFAYK it's all fine and he can ask her next time he sees her. Her diet is fine too.

Be bright, breezy and supremely unbothered. Two advantages - a) it'll really piss him off, but there'll be nothing he can complain about, and b) on the same idea as 'fake it until you make it' if you are acting unbothered, you will become ever less bothered, and that will be a good thing

Thank you. Yes I've just bought a new phone and plan to look at it once a day. Perhaps I could have a separate email too.

I don't mind giving him updates about school etc. But I think he's doing it just to have a reason to contact me. I've told him to contact the school directly that's a good idea.

Sorry to hear that you're going through this OP. You should share information with your ex but he also needs to be reasonable. It sounds like everything has been on his terms (stopping seeing her, now wanting to see her again). Sounds like he's harassing you and feels entitled to do so, which is particularly worrying if he is currently seeing your daughter because there should be less of a need for regular updates from you if he's seeing her. That said is she safe seeing him at the moment if you're waiting for reports? If this is how he is behaving towards you, I would be worried about him asking her lots and lots of questions, especially if he's struggling with his mental health. He can definitely access information directly from school. If you're still waiting to go to court I would get in touch with Cafcass because it sounds like you are trying to keep your DD safe rather than trying to alienate him.

That's my worry a bit. When were married and still now he goes on and on on about things until I give in. He'd say things like "you're making no sense" and would dissect anything you said and keep asking questions. I'm a bit worried he's done that to our daughter.

I believe she's physically safe though.

I had another load of emails today and calls. But I didn't answer them. He phrases it like I need to talk to you because I have parenting concerns but I don't want to talk to someone that swears at me and is a bully.

Ugh, I have one like that too 😕

I communicate with him only in writing, do not speak with him at all & minimise any contact - handovers are done via school.

I believe there are apps eg family wizard which you can use instead of direct communication, but they do cost.

I'm almost at the point of doing that.

Indirect communication through a family member is sometimes an option, but I don't want to drag my family in; hos don't speak to me.

Refer him straight to the school if he wants info from them. It's a proper ball-ache for schools to set up 2 sets of correspondence but legally they must, if required. My ex did this, and he never even bothered to get in touch with the school.

It's all about power and control. Time to take some of it back.

Deffo switch to the other phone, and ONLY COMMUNICATE BY TEXT OR EMAIL. THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT.

If he starts on at you again, a simple reply reminding him that you will not respond to any abusive messages, and continuation of such will ultimately result in you only communicating via his solicitor should do the trick.

It's shit op. Been there, got the t-shirt.

Have you considered communicating through a parenting app? There are a few tgat can record and transcribed the calls.