I’m not sure what to do :( seeking legal ( and relationship) advice

[zz82]

Hello,

Apologies in advance for the long, ranting post.

I have been with my partner for 11 years. We purchased a home together approximately 1 year ago unfortunately so happens that we ended up near his parents. This is the first house I have ever owned and I was excited but it has turned into a nightmare.

Our relationship has been up and down as it is for most people. The problem I have at the moment is with his parents, his mum in particular.

We gave them a set of keys for emergency and she kept showing up and letting herself in the house uninvited - this has happened several times. Every little job, from painting to anything else, she just shows up making decisions. Same with the garden - and my partner basically forces me to get them involved with any decision we make.

She completely took over the garden - I’m not a gardener but she has been planting what she likes putting things where she likes without so much asking me. I told her the garden needs to reflect what we want, our lifestyle and how much we are prepared to sacrifice to maintain it time-wise.

She is invasive, intrusive, nosy and rude. She even hijacked my Christmas tree, something that was very significant to me as the first in the new house- she just showed up uninvited and took over.

But for a very few days she had been away, she has been here every single day. I work partially at home and on occasions I’ve looked out the window from my study and I’ll see her giving tours to strangers (her friends) without even asking me.

When I bring this to my partner all he does is shouting at me and I really don’t know what to do. I do not even have the option to get someone to do some work in the house to avoid them being here constantly- they are of not help she only wants to make the decisions in my house. I have a great job and money is not a problem so I am happy to pay someone to have privacy and peace.

I have said ‘no’ plenty of time and she ignores it. An example of this was us thinking what to do with an awkwardly shaped bit of lawn. We were thinking of a few things and she decided ‘flower bed’ we said we are thinking what to do still. The day after she again wonders in my house without permission ( she told me she texted - she did but I didn’t see it; the text was to announce ‘I’m coming to do gardening’). I was working so I didn’t see what she was doing - basically she took a spade to that bit we were still deciding on and put a hole in the middle of it so we had no choice but doing what she wanted to.

We officially moved in 7 months ago and I am so incredibly sad and mad - I feel like I’m paying for my own expensive prison. I’m now seeing my partner in a different light and the warmth and love I once had for him has turned into resentment and hate.

At this point, I would honestly just not want anything as long as I get taken out of this mortgage. The other problem I have is that we have 2 dogs together and I know I could not give them up.

what should I do? Is there any help out there for situations like this?

thank you again for reading through my ranting

z

This sounds so difficult OP and it would drive me mad too ! Unfortunately, your husband is the problem here.

You should ask to move this to relationships board.. much more posters over there.

Does your partner know you're ready to end the relationship over this?

How would he react if you demanded the key back from them?

Lock the door and leave the key in the lock.

Change the locks.

Tell him he speaks to his mother or you do.

Your garden etc etc is not up for negotiation.

No more just turning up.

If you feel you can't change the locks can you lock from the inside.

I'd be livid. She's overstepping so much

It all sounds like it's coming from wanting to help you but it's too much. Just tell her that.

Sort it now before you have kids or she will be taking them for haircuts etc etc.

Get the key back or change the locks as top priority.
Don’t ask! Tell her/them.

The problem with one person coming off a mortgage loan, is the lender will need to be satisfied the other person can afford the outstanding loan alone. Will your partner be in a position to do this? Will his parents be able to help?

Our relationship has been up and down as it is for most people
When you say, "most people", OP... do you mean, "most people in relationships, including all the ones that go nowhere, and all the marriages which end in divorce"?
Or, "most people in happy relationships"? Because a good happy relationship shouldn't really have major ups and downs. The odd over-tired squabble over dishwasher misdeeds, maybe! The point of a good relationship is to have someone who listens to you, who has your back.
Trouble is, it's a real PITA if you don't get on with your other half's relatives - unless your OH shares your opinion!!

What does your DP think of all this? Do they have a blind spot? Do they have your back? Is his Mum essentially a good person who is just wildly insensitive, or...?

I would simply tell your husband that you do not want unannounced visitors and they must knock the door. I'd be changing the locks or tell her to please stop coming round and taking over. Perhaps your husband doesn't feel able to hurt his mums feelings. Next time she is round just tell her you don't like her coming round and to leave everything alone

OP. You say the love has turned to resentment/hate for your DP. If this is how you really feel, I'm not sure there is any return from that. Hate is hard to undo.
If he can't dissuade his parents from their 'enthusiasm' for your home it is unlikely you will feel comfortable there, long term. I'm sorry to say I can hear the bells tolling for your relationship unless your partners pulls in his big big pants and stands up for you, your choices in your home and having privacy.

If he can't take on the mortgage alone, the house will likely need to be sold and any proceeds split. Get yourself to a good solicitor as soon as you can and get advice. Ring fence your finances as you will need a pot of money to reestablish a separate dwelling for yourself
I wish you Bon chance.

You’ve got yourself a mummy’s boy, OP.

Give him one ultimatum, either:

a) he takes the keys off mummy and the locks get changed,

b) or you’re ending it with him.

If he’s a DP not a DH and b) applies, he either buys you out of the house, or it goes on the market and you split the proceeds.

Thank you all for your advice I really appreciate it.

I tried to speak to him but I’m not sure he believes that I have no patience anymore. I told him that coming from him it’s be easier than coming from me for sure as if I were to say that instead of him there would be no going back.

I’m trying to politely hint things to her - saying no it’s not really working as she still appearing anyway. I’m doing my very best not to give her the opportunity to manipulate things which she is a master at.

He, on the other hand, blames me for talking about this to him every day - she shows up every day! Even telling him ‘ put yourself in my shoes, how would you like if my mum did that?’ doesn’t work - he says it wouldn’t bother him.

I will try once more to have a serious conversation with him and will keep you posted.

thank you

z

It doesn't really sound like you have ever set boundaries or told her your expectations. She clearly doesn't have her own boundaries and so your passive vague hints are going to fall on deaf ears. You need to talk to her or put in writing what your expectations and boundaries are. You are gettting more and more furstrated and resentful but it doesn't sound like it has actually been addressed with her. For all she knows - you love everything she does.

Your husband isn't going to do it - so you do it. It may not be well received and that is okay. You still get to state your own boundaries about your home regardless of how it will be received. You can do it kindly and respectfully - no need to be rude. Decide beforehand what are the clear boundaries / expectations that you want to communicate and then tell her. You can use the sandwich approach (appreciation, constructive feedback, appreciation) to soften the blow but you need to be clear and direct. This is not a person who will get vague hints

The issue is your partner. I would bet money, he is aware of what she is planning for the garden, when she is coming round and encourages. So she thinks she is doing what he wants. I would bet he has, in some way, told her to do what she wants with that but of the garden. You see it so much. Dils hating their Mils for interfering and doing too much when the Mils have been asked or told it’s fine by their sons.

But I wouldn’t like the alternative of paying people to come in, that you offered. If people are coming in my home I would prefer them to be family. Maybe he feels the same?

But that should be discussed. At the moment, he is using his mum to do loads of work that should be the responsibility of you both and so let’s her do what she wants as she is doing it.

He has made it clear. He is fine with this. It’s not going to change. So your choice is to walk away or live with it.

My first husbands mum did this, she kept turning up whilst we were at work, we eventually moved house to stop it !

Do you really think this crazy MIL is actually a normal person Butfirstcoffees?? That's hysterical, she sounds like a nutter and zz82's partner doesn't want to upset his mum.

I would say they were both to blame for different reasons.

My mum is very aware when she needs to give space. Anyone with reasonable levels of empathy/social awareness would. The blame is not soley on the the husband more like 50/50.

I can understand what you are saying but I have my own means and money it’s not a problem for me so I think free help ( which she isn’t by the way she only moves things about and direct others, she doesn’t have any practical life skills - she has been a kept woman all her life) it’s only an option if we had no means. But I’m willing to pay and I can.you get the good and the bad - if you ask for help you get intrusion so I’d rather not ask for help and help myself

Wow! Not entirely sure she is the only problem here

Sorry but why? I’m only saying that forcing ‘so call help’ doesn’t give her the right to let herself in. Also what I’m saying is that I’m avoiding asking for her help not to encourage her to take ownership of a place that doesn’t belong to her. If there is something I can’t do myself certainly it’s something she can’t take care of either and I’m prepared to get outside help to discourage this behaviour. I can’t really see how this is a problem? Isn’t this how the world work? She just wants to stick her nose in decision making

unfortunately so happens that we ended up near his parents.

my partner basically forces me to get them involved with any decision we make

These two comments of yours stood out for me. You haven't got an inlaw problem, you've got a husband problem, big time. He has railroaded you into living near them and accepting their intrusion into your life - personally I'd be leaving and I don't say that very often. He is encouraging this intrusion, and
When I bring this to my partner all he does is shouting at me . In other words, he wants this situation to stay as it is and for you to stop complaining.

Instead of worrying about your mother in law, I'd be seeing a divorce lawyer because this isn't going to get any better .

Nope it was the ‘she doesn’t have any practical life skills cause kept woman’

I have always worked full time, however, that attitude towards women who don’t is awful.

That’s the issue and suggests you look down on her and are not a very pleasant person

She has worked and now retired. I was meaning that she always had someone doing stuff for her because her husband’s career which it’s not a problem and I’m not one to judge that whatsoever. I know stay at home mums work incredibly hard, even though she wasn’t one. What I find rich is that she wants to ‘help’ but she always had someone else to do the same things. I think I should probably have used the term spoiled instead.