Advice needed

[fedupwithlife52]

So my husband of 30 years thinks I cheat. I have an amazing job and we should have a wonderful life but he believes I cheated with a former colleague. He made me take a lie detector test a few years ago which I passed with flying colours but he still says I cheated. He was tracking my phone until I stopped him and even filmed us having sex without my knowledge. He withheld money from me before I got my amazing job and until I got this job he never mentioned that he thought I cheated. I rang the Samaritans tonight as I got so upset thinking this will never end unless I end myself. Just absolutely heartbroken

He is being unfair and abusive.

Post on the relationships board and you'll get lots of helpful advice about how to leave him.

Don’t put up with this shit. He doesn’t love you. You cheated so it will be hard for him to trust you. But that doesn’t excuse him tracking you or filming you without your consent. This isn’t a relationship, it isn’t a life

I dont think I have ever ever heard of someone having to take a lie detector test for cheating. I’m in the uk, so unless this is somewhere else and a common thing, this just sounds batshit crazy.

Rephrase:

My husband used to control me by withholding money from me.

Now I have an amazing job, and he is looking for other ways to control me, making up stuff about me cheating and filming me without consent.

What he has done with the recording is a crime
The other stuff is classic control and abuse but the lie detector test suggests a serious psychological issue too and it should have been your cue to get out. But of course he has made you feel incapable of that.

You are not incapable. Realising that it’s wrong and that this cannot continue is a step in the right direction. Your life will get better but only if you leave. There are lots Of organisations and services to help you with this. Start with Women’s Aid

Do you have children ?

OP, you have options. I agree with pp, report your post and ask to have this moved to the relationships board which tends to have a bit more traffic and people can help guide you through your thinking and suggest ways forward. What he has done and continues to do is unacceptable.

@YawnAndTheyWillYawnToo - the OP didn’t cheat, her husband has just repeatedly claimed she did.

OP - this man is abusive - financially, emotionally and sexually just from your small post. If you can please speak to Women’s Aid for support or get yourself a solicitor. You need to leave this man and live your life free of him.

So sorry to read this OP. Do report your post and ask it to be moved to the relationships board - there's so much help over there from women who have realised that they're in an abusive relationship and that nothing they do will ever be right.
Filming you having sex without consent, tracking your phone and false accusations are at the extreme end of coercive control and are major red flags.

Thanks everyone for the advice. Just to be clear as one person seems confused I never ever cheated ever. He has just left to go cycling with his buddies for a week and I am so delighted. I know I can't go on like this but the thought of taking that final step and leaving scares me so much. I am absolutely broken hearted

You need to speak to a solicitor about divorce. This is an awful way to live.

While he is away call women’s aid and consult a family law solicitor who has someone adept at dealing with domestic abuse. Which this is.
You can’t carry on like this he will wreck the rest of your life

Morning everyone so last night my daughter had a meltdown and told me that 2 years ago her father told her I had an affair. Total lies. I feel great relief because I can now address it with the children who are adults but still I never wanted to hurt them. Now I will be free to act. Calling womens aid this morning

Well done OP. If you need more support, Mumsnet can move this thread for you to the relationships board where there's lots of advice and expertise from women who have ben through this.

Well so Tuesday I found out that my husband told my daughter 2 years ago that he Mam has affairs. She was barely 15 at the time. I am so done and so angry. We are now talking to the mental health team but my rage knows no bounds.
I did post on the relationships board but only got 2 replies . I might have posted on the wrong one. Thank u everyone for all your help

Use the time whilst your husband is away to get copies of all relevant paperwork e.g. his earnings etc. so you have them before you take any action.

That's a good point about paperwork. Whatever you decide about your relationship in the long term, it would be a good idea to make sure that you've got copies of all the paperwork (tax, income, mortgages, bank accounts, passport etc) so that your decisions are made with the full knowledge of your financial position etc - get your ducks in a row.
Maybe spend a few hours looking at some of the relationships threads - they can be really useful as posters post links to all sorts of useful information. I know Lundy Bancroft books are recommended:

www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/217475-why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-angry-and-controlling-men

Hope a week without him gives you a chance to reflect and decide what you want for your future.