Please help me - can't divorce

[clpsmum]

Sorry in advance if this is long I will keep it as short and to the point as I can.

My stbxh and I split 5 years ago. He left the FMH, I stayed and continue to pay the mortgage alone. He pays less than the legal minimum requirement in maintenance.

I stopped access to the children two years ago as he is just toxic and they requested this. I won’t go into lots of details as it is very long and boring. Womens aid were involved and I stopped contact on their advice and that of my solicitor. Prior to this I had done everything in power to ensure they maintained a relationship with him. Including staying in a country where I have no family, friends or support.

He ignored all my solicitors letters attempting to put an access agreement in place. He waited over a year then took me to court for access. He told lies about both me and my children to the reporter assigned to speak to us. The process was traumatic for the children and for myself if I’m honest. A court order was put in place for him to have indirect contact in the form of letters every two weeks. He has never once written to them. This was five months ago so don’t imagine they will get a letter now.

I cannot divorce him until an access agreement is in place. He is now ignoring his own solicitor. My solicitor has given me the choice of us contacting his solicitor and asking his permission to close the access case or to begin his indirect contact or to go to court for a full evidential hearing. I don’t want to put my children through the trauma of court. I also don’t want to ask him what he’s planning to do and yet again let him control our lives and decide when he is ready what he wants to do.

I cannot for the life of me understand why he seems to be the one holding the strings? He is continuing his abuse and control by keeping us in emotional turmoil.

He is taking home (after tax) in excess of £4k per month, I am on benefits. I cannot keep up with the repayments on the mortgage. He is keeping us in poverty while he lives the high life and it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.

I need my children to feel safe, I need to be divorced and I need to sell the house and cut my ties with him. It has been five years and I am done, I don’t know how much longer I can cope. Please can anybody at all offer me any advice I feel like I am losing my mind. I am in Scotland if that makes a difference.

Are you in the uk?

If so contact CMS and put in a claim or the equivalent in whichever country you are in.

I'm in Scotland. I can't put in a claim to CMS as apparently he can stop paying until CMS enforce it which could take months and I can't afford to be without the pittance he gives me

I'm puzzled by your statement that you don't want to put your children through the trauma of court. They wouldn't attend court.

I am unclear as to why you think you can't divorce until you get an access agreement. There is certainly no legal bar to doing so. Is it because you think they will have to go to court if there is no agreement? If so, see above.

He can stop paying maintenance at any time, regardless of whether you put in a claim to CMS.

My view is that you need to get on with the divorce and put in a CMS claim. If you don't, you are giving him control.

I'm u see the impression I can't get a divorce until access agreement is in place because that is what my solicitor has told me. He will stop paying maintenance if I make a claim to CMS. My solicitor has advised my children will be called to speak to the sherif at court. They've already been through one set of court proceedings which was very traumatic

Yes he has all the control but certainly not me giving him it. I want to be free of him and so do my children

I’m in a very similar position to you, OP. Also in the Scottish courts.

Is the order for indirect access a final order or interim? If it’s final, then doesn’t that satisfy the child access part? If he chooses not to exercise the access granted to him by the courts, then as long as you aren’t doing anything to thwart it, that’s on him.

If you made a CMS claim, would they be able to find his income, or does he hide it? He becomes liable for CMS from the date they first contact him after you initiate the claim, so if there is a lag, you’ll get a backdated payment. Obviously that’s no good if he ways of hiding his income.

If CMS isn’t an appropriate route for you, you can ask the courts to make an order for child maintenance as part of your divorce. They can order him to disclose his bank statements and make an assessment based on that, so in that sense they have a wider-reaching view than CMS, who can only look at what is declared by your ex for tax purposes.

If you’re in Glasgow, I have solicitor recommendations for you, including Legal Aid options.

You will be in a better position long term with a CMS claim surely.

You will also be better off divorcing him. What will the children need to do re court? If not much has changed since last time is there much they will need to say.

My solicitor has advised my children will be called to speak to the sherif at court

Not an expert on Scottish law but my understanding is that the court appoints a reporter to talk to them rather than the children having to attend court.

I'm u see the impression I can't get a divorce until access agreement is in place because that is what my solicitor has told me

I would seriously question that advice. If it were true, any spouse could block a divorce simply by refusing to agree access to the children. Regarding children in divorce, Citizens Advice Scotland say, "If you can't agree, the court can make decisions to sort out a disagreement." That is what I would expect.

If this is actually the advice your solicitor has given you and not a misunderstanding, I would suggest you need a better solicitor.

@breatheinskipthegym thank you I am close to Glasgow so would love the recommendation please.

It's an interim order but he's completely ignored it and is now ignoring letters from both mine and his own solicitor. It's just a joke tbh. He's refusing to reveal any financial information so think we have to get a court order.

It's just been so long now it's ridiculous

@prh47bridge yes the first time it was a reporter that we had to speak to and I honestly can't tell you how traumatic it was. Not the experience we were prepared for or expecting at all

@prh47bridge definitely the advice from solicitor I've read the letter a million times! Yes I will maybe consider another solicitor that may be the best way forward as I can't keep going on like this

My divorce was granted 2 and half years before a final order was made on children's matters - several interim orders in the meantime. I understand speaking to court reporters is traumatic for children, it was for my child, but unfortunately there is no avoiding that.

Ex also refused to reveal financial information, in the end I signed the consent order which all but bankrupt me and made me homeless just to be free.

I think you need a better solicitor, there's got to be a way to move this forward - he can't just frustrate the process ad infinitum.

@Pinkyxx I am sorry you went through that. I'm starting to think I need a better solicitor too. I don't understand how he holds all the cards. He can't just keep controlling my life like this I need to be completely free of him x

@clpsmum I do hope you've found a better solicitor, one who will help bring this to conclusion for you. There's something liberating about being unshackled from such a man. That said, since you share a child there's a link forever - best advice I can give you here is to put in place very strong boundaries around co-parenting. I wish I had as exh also used our child to control me. I has only really stopped now because our child is of an age to have her own voice and his attempts to control her prompted social services interventions during which he was told in no uncertain terms that his behavior to her was emotional abuse and his behavior to me also abuse. Social Worker told DD that it was her choice to see him or not see him - took away all his power just like that. I finally feel somewhat 'free' of him now and this has allowed me to recognize my part in enabling him..