Absent Parent - Pops back up

[RainingBows]

My xHusband had an affair & ran off with the other woman, a few weeks after Id had our baby.
Our eldest child was nearly 2yrs when he left.
I wanted to continue to be a family in whatever way we could, but he failed to commit, let us down, ignored me etc or only showed up for a few hours & then, he ran away for good.

He hasnt even asked how they were, in 3 years.
Ive reached out to him and asked if he'd like to meet and talk re the children but he'd ignore it.

He has suddenly officialy asked for mediation. (As though he has been refused contact)

He dragged me through court for the divorce and family home without any mediation...
He didnt send gifts or money, yet he knew I was left struggling.
This man has done what he wants, got what he wanted, when he wanted and I cant even begin to explain the pain and trauma he's knowingly put me and the children through.

I have raised my children entirely alone, Ive been there every single day of their lives - Ive done the night feeds and the nappies and the sickdays, the first days at school...we are incredibly close and this is causing me such devastation as I feel he just wants to exile me like I never existed, to start a new family with the other woman and our children.
And the legal system doesnt seem to care about abandonment or its effects.

Theres another woman involved, whom knowingly split our family up and my anger wont go for her :(
I dont know how anyone copes with this fact.

To briefly add, my added pain is I spent years through treatment to have our children and our first child was stillborn. I dont want to be pushed out of my childrens lives :( I havent pushed him, even though he was the one having the affair.

As I understand it the legal system just uses the text book - "its best for the child to have contact with both parents" -
Even if that causes the primary carer to suffer and the children continue to see that.
Im not going to pretend I cant help but be upset about this, its a highly traumatic experience and he really did drag it out.

Im emotional right now so this is just helping to get it out :(

I guess what I would like to know is in the case of 'abandonment' of young children:
Is a court more likely to be understanding than mediation, which is presumably more about ensuring the absent parent gains what he is requesting?
Or will a court just want to dish out split care like a few months of built up visitation can account for the past 3 years absence :(

Mediation is absolutely not about ensuring the absent parent gains what he is requesting. Mediation is trying to help you and your ex come to an agreement. The mediator cannot impose anything on you. If you and your ex cannot agree, mediation will fail.

If this ends up in court, your ex is likely to get some form of contact but, as he has not been part of your children's lives for 3 years, it may be indirect initially. The next step may be supervised contact. The intention would be that your children will ultimately be able to spend time with their father, including overnight stays, without supervision but it is likely to take some time to get there.

You don't mention maintenance. If you haven't already lodged a claim with CMS, you should do so.

Is he still with the OW? Sounds to me like he's got a new GF who is asking him why he doesn't see his kids.
From what you say, he hasn't paid maintenance for his children. Put in a claim if you haven't already done so.
If you don't feel mediation is appropriate, for example if you feel bullied or intimidated by him, or if he was abusive during your marriage, you don't have to attend. But mediation is about trying to move forwards and reach agreement - it might be worth going with a view to creating a better future.
Just wondering, why was there no mediation at the time of the divorce and financial orders? Was there no arrangement for contact made at that point?

Yes I went through CMS and he pays this now.

Yes he is still with the OW :( Which is my concern as if he wasnt, I feel we could create our own co-parenting relationship.
(It doesnt have to be one size fits all.)
If a couple splits - your both single and you are the childs parents, its no one elses business - but an affair is a completely different situation :( Theres automatically someone there wanting to pull that person away and isolate the other parent.

After I found out about the affair he would still say he loved me, we didnt hate one another - which is why even the idea of mediation is hurtful for me...why cant he talk to me? (obviously shame and the OW are possibly the reasons)
Its something I will state that this isnt even required. Im not angry with him. But I am terrified of being split from my children. (Im not sure many people would realise the closeness if your used to having support etc)

I feel financially bullied by him, in the sence he has good finances, he has a partner etc Vs Im on my own, paying for the family home and two kids.
So going through court again to him will be financially viable. Id have to represent myself.

I honestly dont know why there was no mediation when he divorced me or the financial order. There was no arrangement for contact at that point, as he had already absent for sometime Im guessing.

Last time I saw him he told me he didnt want a divorce, he still loved me etc...a few months later, divorce papers were on my doorstep and I was being blamed for the marriage ending. He even had me legally served at the door infront of the children.
He lied in his financial order, he lied in the divorce...my fear of him just using whatever means to get what he wants is validated.

Hes made no attempt to see the children, he cant prove that as thats is the truth. But I worry he wants it his way, and if not I dont know if the court is going to recognise his absence and the effect of all this on the primary parent.

His absence and the effect on the children will be recognised, which is why he is highly unlikely to get direct contact immediately. The impact on you, however, is not a consideration.