hello there people. really need some human to human advice before my insides boil away once and for all.
its a bit of a read but I've tried to pick out what I feel is most important.
in summary:
ex husband of six years. both moved on, he has been engaged for five years. we had a clean break divorce. he had secret money in pensions, share save schemes and was sending money to his dad to "look after".
ex husband out of the blue in October 2021 said he no longer wished to pay maintenance, then demanded 50/50 child care, when he already had 6 nights out of 14 on the regular and kids were very happy and settled with it all.
he broke pretty much all the agreements from mediation after our divorce within weeks, constantly changing the nights he had the kids, introducing his new GF to them without a single word of warning... in the end the kids became so upset with him collecting them from my house (they'd scream and hold on to my legs and beg me not to make them go - aged 4 and 3) we had to change the arrangements so he collected them from school instead. that kind of thing.
we went to mediation (again) before xmas gone and he admitted he was "frugal" when he arrived at the first maintenance payment figure six years ago when he "only" earned £55k, he now earns around £80k per year (I know this for a fact as I have close friends who work in the same company in similar positions), his partner (they own a property together) earns around £40k I believe. I am self employed working insane hours when the kids are with him and then only during school hours when the kids are with me) and single and have been since kids (twins now aged 10 and son aged 9) were born so I could always be there for school stuff. ex husband said during mediation that I should "get a better job" (I'm a fitness instructor on around £35 per hour) and that he was "sick of paying for my household and his own too" and that I "got a good deal" from our clean break divorce.
mediation didn't work this time around as I have never asked for anything to change, he wanted to stop paying AND have the kids an extra night per week so that it was deemed 50/50 (asking that we pay 50/50 for all kid related things to do with school costs only) therefore we couldn't agree.
he then emailed me to say he wanted to go to court to arrange 50/50 ("because you do not want the children to spend more time with their father") but the email was very aggressive and threatening. I pooped my pants and emailed back saying no chance and that I begrudgingly agreed to his demands. I REGRET THAT NOW! he said his solicitor would do the consent order.... nothing and now 3 months in.... worried that a precedent is being set. I have asked many times when I can expect to receive the order. obviously the nature of the consent order is that we agree, but I don't agree. I have sacrificed another night of the week away from my kids and now I am quite significantly out of pocket as he has stopped paying maintenance, which I use to ensure the kids live their best lives and want for nothing. I am an enterprising woman so I immediately went out and got additional work to help make up for the maintenance being stopped. I do not want his money. when I did have the money, its for the kids and mostly went into savings towards their futures.
kids have admitted they pretty much count down "the sleeps" until they see me again (works out at 5 nights on, 2 nights off, then the reverse for each parent) and regularly come home a bit down in the dumps. he has changed into a totally different parent since being divorced. not in a good way either. I hear tales of lots of shouting, him and his fiancé arguing, being forced to do mock SATS papers on the weekend (he is very very academically driven) and they genuinely have no friends where he lives.
he is very controlling and stereo typical narcissist and chauvinist. tells me I agreed things when I didn't, will only communicate via email or "emergency" texts. if he feels its not an emergency in his opinion he tells me he will reply within three business days. he moved out of town ten miles away and it was the children who actually told me, once he had "surprised" them with the new house after school one day. he told me to ask the kids for his new address. I live 0.5km from kids school and he has to drive past my house to get them to/from school, he will send kids loaded down with belongings stuffed into backpacks or even leave stuff at the school office (they detest it) saying that dropping/collecting from outside my house is "too much" for him and "not convenient".
when he started all this surprise asking for 50/50, it now turns out he has moved house again. so he stopped paying maintenance for the children, then suddenly moved to a much more expensive property and has again, not told me his address. the kids came home one day last week and announced to their surprise that when they next see dad, it would be in a new house.
he micro manages me, texts me every week, on the dot, asking me to send back all "his" belongings for the kids (even down to things like pairs of white school socks).
the sight of his name on my phone or emails literally fills me with dread. I truly believe he has only insisted we move to a 50/50 childcare arrangement so that he can gain financially from it. it never ends, even when it came to putting down the priority for senior schools, he lives so far away from the kids lives, their friends, their school and insisted we put down the two best performing schools in the area, even though we do not live anywhere near the catchment zones (he literally made me do a teams meeting and share my screen so he could see what I was inputting). his reason was not even because they are the best schools, it was because he felt it was fair we both had to do equal amounts of driving around (not once, since the girls started nursery in 2015, have I driven the kids to or from school). not once has he thought about our son, who remains at primary school for the next two years, meaning realistically when my son is not with me, my ex will be putting him into early morning wrap around care (he would never ever ask me to have him even though he knows I am at home and available), so as to drive our daughters to senior school if they miraculously
got into the schools 2-4 miles away from my house, 4-9 miles from his. they got offered the catchment school for where I live which is 0.3km away - which is still a good and ever improving school and logistically means nothing changes for either of us nor my son. kids told me he intends to appeal the councils decision. despite it being well publicised that the schools in the area are all over subscribed.
I didn't want to be married to him anymore, I didn't choose to divorce the kids and I would have them 24/7 if possible. our absolute dream is to move to the coast and I'd even be able to afford to send them to a private school, but he would never ever go for it. he's that selfish, even when my mom, who was very very involved with the kids lives, was dying of cancer with days to live, I asked him if I could keep the kids an extra night to take them to spend time with their nan and he said no, that it was just as important they spent time with him. she died two days later and the kids never got to say goodbye.
basically - what do I do? yes it is great he is an "active" dad and actually sees his kids. but I truly do not believe it is out of love, its because of money and also because he likes to make out he is a good guy. he is very different in public to how he behaves in private. obviously the kids seeing him 50% of their waking hours is a good thing, but it all feels so wrong and like I am facilitating it when they do not want to go. I know they do it out of duty. do I keep chasing the consent order? do I agree it when it arrives and just accept this is how things are now? do I need a solicitor to review all this horrible narcissistic behaviour and help me to contest the order so that the kids are better protected and can remain "at home" with me more often and try to claw back some maintenance for them? would a solicitor even do that?
its very very scary and I genuinely do not know what to do. I cannot believe that nearly seven years in, he is still acting this way and I wish I could be stronger and push back, but its not in my nature. I am a nice person and I want to do the best for the kids, but my heart tells me this situation he has forced us all into is not the best for them.
Oh god. please help. I keep going in circles and my anxiety is through the roof about it all.