hi all
I really need help from Mumsnet because I am fairly desperate. I can't see the link to share, but in summary, my 7 year old DD came home from her father's with a very significant mark on her leg caused by what appeared to be a slap on New Years Eve at about 6pm, and I posted about it at the time. We called the police who said no crime had been reported, and after advice from Mumsnet, we called back and reported her injury again, which was then accepted as a crime. After this point things happened quickly and joint Section 47 investigation was put in place as well with a police investigation. He was given a Community Resolution Order for Common Assault of a minor (I think this is correct term) and the children are now on a Child In Need plan. He admitted in police interview that was not the first time he had hit her.
They haven't seen their father since the incident but I have been facilitating weekly telephone contact. It has been an incredibly stressful time for so many reasons not least that I am devastated that my children have experienced physical and psychological abuse in the care of their dad following the fact that I left the LTB eventually and went to court. However I did not go to a full fact finding hearing due to fear of him and the court awarded us a 50/50 split. I have been worried every time i have handed over, but he would never allow them to call me from his house etc.
Where we are at the moment is my daughter has clearly been processing what she has been through at my ex-husbands house and this has included her being hit many times, she says; being hit with a hairbrush really hard; that she was put in her room for ‘hours and hours’; being left alone in the dark and locked in her room while scared; she describved being so scared she thought she would burst, over and over again; describing him as a ‘Tyrannosaurus Rex’ and her ‘as a mouse’. She says she didnt tell me becuase she was so frightened he would get into trouble, then she would get into trouble, or that she would be split up from him.
She has panic attacks when bad memories come and is quite obviously significantly traumatised by her experiences with him. School also say she demonstrates trauma, but appears to be recovering and putting on weight now she is solely in my care. To say I am devastated and furious are understatements. My son as well has been a victim of psychological abuse if not physical abuse and when contact first stopped he screamed, enraged saying that it was all her fault she deserved to be hit. He seems now to have had a time to process and to see how this is not the case; none of these things happen at my home with my partner that we are all fairly calm and don't resort to smacking or long time outs. I have now discovered these long time outs also meant they went hungry for long periods of time. They have both put on a healthy amount of weight since they have been in our home consistently since the incident.
I have engaged the services of a local solicitor who has made the initial application to court. However she came on recommendation of someone I know, and I don't know if she is actually a great family solicitor. To be honest I think I need to find a really good solicitor who can support me as I have recently been emailed by the solicitor that my ex-husband has engaged who is one of the top family lawyers of the year, I read on the website. This is the same solicitor he engaged last time with whom he effectively won the case against me and got exactly the terms he wanted. My previous solicitor just caved in front of her. I dont qualify for legal aid anymore so I will bear the £20k plus costs, somehow.
I'm obviously desperate to protect my son and daughter at all costs from the abuse they have experienced in their fathers home. At the moment I am arranging contact centre contact with their dad, and we are currently on a child in need plan with social services who tell me while they have no jurisdiction to tell me not to let him see them but in the next breath say that a voluntary safety plan needs to be in place and that supported contact would be the best way forward. It is not clear to me if they have explained that to my ex-husband. However, according to the letter I received this week from his solicitor, he seems to think that having nights in his home and increasing back to the old pattern is the way forward.
I really need help now from Mumsnet please because I don't know what to do for the best. I'm so frightened of going back to court and not ‘winning’ and all the same disruptive patterns of care being imposed upon my children, let alone overnight stays in an unsafe home. I was a victim of a campaign of terror when I lived with him and my daughters accounts is so similar I have to go and cry after she's told me about some of the things she's been through which has included him kicking her toys around the room him, standing over her closely with his face in hers, shouting, raising his hand to threaten to hit her as well actually being being hit on many occasions. It is simply devastating to me.
What I am doing at the moment to support he is to be there for her absolutely when she needs to talk, and I have found a play therapist to support her to process her feelings therapeutically, she has Elsa supporting school, I've offered a weekly supervised phone conversation with her dad and we have our application to court in process.
What else can I do, suggestions welcomed?
Does anybody have any advice as to how I should proceed legally, should I try to find a different solicitor, or stick with the one I have? Is there anything else I should or could be doing?
I have realised that many people will tell me to expect that the children will go back at some point for overnight visits at their fathers house. I know this is an eventual likelihood and it is with a heavy heart that I would watch this occur. But I feel as though at least if this is in maybe a year or so is time once all the legalities have been through then at least then she will be 8 years old and I can provide her with a phone, in case he hits her which is actually chilling for me to write. What I would really like is for him to never have unsupervised contact with either of my children ever again. He has physically assaulted me on a number of occasions which are documented but have never been taken further. Is now the time to make an historical allegation? He has also harassed and stalked me for a long time but according to the police no crimes have been committed. In all reality, knowing how dangerous he can be, my ideal outcome would be that he had supervised contact with both children until they turn 18. I know that a fundamental reason for his desire for 50 50 was to avoid paying me maintenance (at the time it would have been £300 per month i think) - should I continue not to claim? I have little disposable income after all expenses are paid, but can manage without it.
Anyway sorry for the hugely long post thank you so much for reading and I will respond to any comments but I am at work now about to go into a meeting, then pick up and home, and will be back online after tea and bath at 7:30 PM.
Id like to say that without Mumsnet I would not have been able to leave this toxic abuser because I didn't recognise it as abuse for so long - I felt it was my fault so thank you to each and every poster who supported me through the darkest times of my life and gave me the strength to walk out of the door with my young children. I feel a huge burden of regret that I was not present in his house to protect them and they have been through so much now. All I can be grateful for is that at least they have one safe home to go to here with me and hopefully to stay in for the rest of their childhoods. Thank you all.