Child arrangement order

MissMaple82 · 21/02/2022 21:44

So basically he wants more contact, but he wants to pick and choose when he wants it? Hence why he wants it aside from the contact order? Is that correct?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 21/02/2022 21:45

What a waste of time!
Isn't he just asking for the status quo?

MissMaple82 · 21/02/2022 21:47

I highly highly suspect this is not about wanting more contact and more about wanting control and to annoy and cause stress and upset. He is probably pissed off that you've moved on with your life. I say let him waste his money in court, he's being incredibly unreasonable and courts don't take kindly to that nonsense.

Theunamedcat · 21/02/2022 21:55

Yup it's all about control allow him his order but work it in your favor so it should give you permission for an overseas holiday so you dont need to ask him permission for a holiday in the UK with a set notice period contact to resume the weekend etc etc

Basically lock in everything where child's main residence is how much notice he needs to give you for additional contact (in weeks not hours) honestly use it to your advantage

Easterbunnyiswindowshopping · 21/02/2022 22:06

Court.
Get eow for yourself to see your own dc
..

Ursusmajor · 21/02/2022 22:26

Well that’s a waste of everyone’s time. He’s taking you to court to ask for exactly what he has already

Original poster

Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 23:01

@MissMaple82

So basically he wants more contact, but he wants to pick and choose when he wants it? Hence why he wants it aside from the contact order? Is that correct?

Yes that is it exactly.

I have offered 50/50 contact from day one and he has always refused, says he can't afford it, doesn't have time with work etc.

I also work full time, but fortunately from home and my job is flexible enough to allow me to spend the time with the DC in all the holidays - as long as I have a WiFi connection I can work from anywhere at any time of the day/night.

I really do feel it is about control. He won't be straight about whether he is employed or self-employed - as this will have a bearing on his holiday entitlement won't it?

None of this was ever mentioned until about 4 weeks after I got married and then court papers arrived. It isn't causing a problem for me and DH, we find it sort of amusing, and we haven't spoken to the children about it as we don't feel we need to.

I've basically said in my position statement that whatever the court decides is fine with me - the DC will either continue to spend the majority of holidays and EOW with means they'll be happy, or they'll get extra quality time with their dad, and they'll be happy - so for them it's win win.

I just refuse to be held over a barrel with a contact order and him still have free reign to demand more as and when he wants to.

He's also asked for the DC passports, which I'm happy to share IF he stumps up half the cost for them - I ordered them in 2020 just before lockdown as we planned to take the DC with us on honeymoon- and then wedding got postponed and we still haven't had our honeymoon - but wither way the DC will come with us. Should probably say they are 17, 12 and 9 - I've been with DH for 6 years now so it's not a new thing either!

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Original poster

Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 23:02

Sorry I missed a few words out up there..... DC will either spend majority of holidays and EOW with me...

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Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 23:04

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

What a waste of time! Isn't he just asking for the status quo?

Yes, extra time, but nothing extra to what he already has which is EOW.

Unless of course he feels like it and then I think he wants the option to be a pain in the arse and disrupt arrangements.

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Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 23:06

@Easterbunnyiswindowshopping

Court. Get eow for yourself to see your own dc ..

Sorry, I don't understand your reply.

DC live with me and DH all the time, I have them eow, exH has them the other weekend.

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Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 23:08

@Ursusmajor

Well that’s a waste of everyone’s time. He’s taking you to court to ask for exactly what he has already

Yes, I think so - it is a waste of evryones time. He's made a big thing of me not appointing a solicitor and choosing to represent myself. I don't need a solicitor, and I refuse to spend money on one when I'm not contesting anything - there was a FRDH hearing via Zoom in November and I explained that to the judge then. We have an attended hearing in court next week and I just hope the judge sees what a waste of time and resources this is.

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Icanflyhigh · 21/02/2022 23:10

@MissMaple82

I highly highly suspect this is not about wanting more contact and more about wanting control and to annoy and cause stress and upset. He is probably pissed off that you've moved on with your life. I say let him waste his money in court, he's being incredibly unreasonable and courts don't take kindly to that nonsense.

I really hope the court see straight through him, and he is labelled unreasonable and controlling. I also hope the court really don't tame kindly to such nonsense- it will serve him right to have this blow up in his face.

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thenewduchessoflapland · 21/02/2022 23:26

He's put out you got remarried so wants to cause aggravation.It's petty and a pathetic attempt at trying to control your life.

My friends bitter petty exH called tax credits a few days after she had her baby with her subsequent partner;he told them their 3 kids had moved in with him.Her tax credit claim for the 3 children plus her older child that wasn't his was stopped for a few weeks whilst my friend had to prove she was the resident parent.This caused financial distress for my friend and was very upsetting and stressful.It also meant she couldn't add her then baby to the claim until it was settled.It was an absolutely vile thing for him to do.

As I tell my friend;once her youngest child with him turns 18 she can go completely no contact with her exH.

MissMaple82 · 23/02/2022 16:25

@icanflyhigh - trust me, I've been through the family court. They will see him for what he is, and his requests will go down like a lead balloon. A court will not put in an order that he can pick and choose extra access. That I can almost guarantee. A child needs continuity and structure and the courts will not appreciate him being as unreasonableas he is and using the courts for this. He may get extra contact yes, but it won't be pick and choose access. An order of that type will never end well, where does it end? Nobody will know where they stand. Its just not going to happen. Let him trip over himself and have fun enjoying watching it unfold.

MissMaple82 · 23/02/2022 16:32

My ex used to try laying the law down to me too, making all these unreasonable demands. He thought he could just have access whenever it suited him, he saw it as his right to do that. He thought I needed to make myself available to him and work around him and his needs. He took me to court in the end and it blew up in his face, big time! He came out far worse than I did. And in the run up to court he was so adamant he'd get what he wanted in court and get all this contact as and when he pleased. Never happened and he got a talking to about being such a dick really!

Original poster

Icanflyhigh · 23/02/2022 23:34

Thank you all, I'm nervous about court, I've only ever been on the prosecuting side before now, but I know that because I'm not contesting anything, and have suggested a fair solution I am in the right.
I do feel this is just an attempt to drive a wedge and cause some stress between me and DH, but we've been together for 6 years, and although only married for 8 months, we're as strong and as right as ever - he is everything exH isn't, he's consistent and loyal, loving and dependable and he genuinely loves the DC as if they were his own biological kids. This is what exH hates so much and I just hope the court see this.

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Unknown83 · 24/02/2022 13:34

@Icanflyhigh

ExH has issued steps for a child arrangement order related to contact. For info, he has contact every other weekend from Friday to Sunday and until Covid hit he saw the children every Wednesday evening for tea.

I got married to DH in July and in August, exH decided to take me to court for additional contact. He has asked for more contact and I have offered more, and he has now refused what I have offered.

He wanted extra time in holidays, I have offered a week at Easter, week at Xmas (with Xmas alternated between us) and three weeks in summer hols - basically half of school hols. He is refusing and says he can't do this so wants it set in stone for every other weekend (which he's had for the last almost 8 years) and additional contact to be arranged outside of the contact order.
We've both put in our position statements to the court and I have said I've offered additional contact as requested and he has refused, and on that basis I'm happy for the court to decide what happens for the next 9 years until youngest DC is 18.

Anyone been through similar and know what likely outcome could be? Will the court allow him to still dictate to me and basically control me, even though he's applied for a contact order? Is other right that he quanta a contact order with the option to arrange additional contact outside of the order - or is the contact order it, and what it says in there happens?

To be clear, I'm happy to have my DC for all of the holidays as I have done since exH left in July 2014, it won't make any difference to me at all - I am just sick of him trying to continue to control me and have a say in my life.

You talk about how you've unanimously made decisions about when his extra contact will be and then accuse him of control?

Is there something you are not telling us here? How flexible were you about which weeks at Christmas, Easter and Summer were on the table? And why are half terms not on the table?

MrsBertBibby · 24/02/2022 17:44

Ignore Unknown OP, it's an F4J troll.

Sounds to me you've been more than reasonable. If he thinks an order that he get some unspecified holiday time is in the least enforceable he has a lot to learn.

And no court will criticise a parent for self representing! Why on earth would they?

He's an idiot, just stick to your guns.

Pinkyxx · 24/02/2022 21:36

I have a 'contact on demand' ex and know how tiresome it can be. The court made an order in our case precisely to stop ex's insistence he would only see DD on a ''contact on demand'' basis and that anything short of ''yes sir, of course'' was evidence of ''alienation'' on my part. Can't see a court agreeing to what he's asking for. At best I'd say an order might say something alone the lines of contact of X, Y, Z plus any such additional contact that is agreed between the parties. The operative word being ''agreed'' in order words, he cannot impose / demand with the expectation you acquiesce. Instead it would need to be agreed, which you are already showing willing to do.

Unknown83 · 24/02/2022 21:40

@MrsBertBibby

Ignore Unknown OP, it's an F4J troll.

Sounds to me you've been more than reasonable. If he thinks an order that he get some unspecified holiday time is in the least enforceable he has a lot to learn.

And no court will criticise a parent for self representing! Why on earth would they?

He's an idiot, just stick to your guns.

@MrsBertBibby

I have nothing to do with F4J. I just ask the difficult questions here when people put forward less than watertight arguments.

You on the other hand have a world view riddled with biases that you allow to affect your judgement and it shows in the bad advice you provide.

Original poster

Icanflyhigh · 24/02/2022 22:31

Unknown, I've offered alternating weeks at Easter and Xmas eacg year, half of the summer hols (and given him the choice of which half he has) and I haven't mentioned half terms as they are week long holidays and he sees them for at least one weekend anyway.
There's nothing I'm not telling you- I've been perfectly reasonable.

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Icanflyhigh · 24/02/2022 22:34

PS @Unknown, he has been offered 50/50 care since the day he left the family home almost 8 years ago. He's always refused this. It is well documented by my divorce solicitor - further proof I have always been entirely reasonable.
Unanimous decisions are based on ME being the resident parent with reaponsibility for care for all but 4 days per month......
Any more questions?

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Unknown83 · 25/02/2022 00:26

@Icanflyhigh

Unknown, I've offered alternating weeks at Easter and Xmas eacg year, half of the summer hols (and given him the choice of which half he has) and I haven't mentioned half terms as they are week long holidays and he sees them for at least one weekend anyway. There's nothing I'm not telling you- I've been perfectly reasonable.

That's all I wanted to know. Yes, you are being reasonable but do be careful about how you portray yourself. Decisions on these matters are a negotiation, not yours alone.

Unknown83 · 25/02/2022 00:27

@Icanflyhigh

PS *@Unknown*, he has been offered 50/50 care since the day he left the family home almost 8 years ago. He's always refused this. It is well documented by my divorce solicitor - further proof I have always been entirely reasonable. Unanimous decisions are based on ME being the resident parent with reaponsibility for care for all but 4 days per month...... Any more questions?

I think it's a real shame when men do this. They have no idea what they're missing out on.

Original poster

Icanflyhigh · 25/02/2022 00:47

Agreed.

I've never called him a bad father, he isn't.
He was an awful husband, but that's entirely different.

I honestly have been more reasonable with him than was ever reciprocated and the ONLY reason I'm now up in court is because I dared to be happy and remarry.

It's very sad - for the DC more than anyone else, he has the potential to be the best dad to them, but has chosen to be a Disney dad, and that makes me sad for them.

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