Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Original poster

What would happen to me or ExH if he did this?

41 replies

NeglectChargePossibly · 16/02/2022 14:43

CAO in place for 6 year old DD to stay with ExH EOW for 1 night.

Arrangements have changed slightly since the order was made due to DD wanting to take up an activity on Saturday morning. I have ExHs agreement for the change in a text message.

For arguments sake lets say the order says he has her EOW from Saturday 9am to Sunday 3pm, but we agreed he’d have her from Saturday 11am until Sunday 5pm.

He often brings DD back early. Earlier than the original time stated on the order. I’ve been dropping everything to make sure I’m home when I get the inevitable text to say they’re on the way back but it’s becoming a bit impossible.

Sometimes I work on the Sunday and don’t finish until 1.30pm and would be home by 2pm, or I babysit my friends DC Saturday night and sleep over so won’t be back until 1.30-2pmish.

Sometimes I’m home.

Without fail I’ll get the text at 1pm to say they’re on their way back, he lives at most a 10 minute drive from me (often quicker) so if I’m working I have to get my boss to agree for me to go home, or I have to make sure my friends back so she can take over with her children.

I’ve started saying that I’m not home and asking him to keep her for an hour or so longer so I can make arrangements, but he threatens to leave her on my doorstep and tells me he’ll call the police and I’ll get done for neglect so I’ve always just done it.

But I can’t keep doing it if I want to keep my job. I like helping my friend out (she doesn’t pay me, but the DC are lovely and polite and I just like looking after them).

I feel like I’m still under his control, I daren’t go and stay at family further away for the night because I’m worried he’ll just drop her off and I won’t get back for hours.

So what would happen if I was working/babysitting/staying with family and just didn’t go to him? Would I really be done for neglect?

I obviously don’t want to upset DD, but I feel like I should be able to do normal things with my friends/cousins/work while my DD is supposedly seeing her other parent.

OP posts:
Florencenotflo · 16/02/2022 14:46

It sounds like he's just using it as a way to control you. Put you in your place.

What would he do if you text him back saying I finish work at 2pm and as per the court order your contact time doesn't finish until 3pm. If you require a change in drop off time I need adequate notice so I can inform work and make arrangements.

Do you think he would actually leave her? Especially as you have it in a text message that he is doing this on purpose?

Greydogs123 · 16/02/2022 14:49

I think you need to send a text reminding him of his contact hours and that during that time he is responsible, therefore if he were to disregard his hours and leave her on the doorstep he would be the one in trouble and not you. If he does not heed that then get a solicitor to write a letter with the same. Stop pandering to him. How likely is he to really leave his child on her on the doorstep?

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 16/02/2022 14:49

@Florencenotflo

It sounds like he's just using it as a way to control you. Put you in your place.

What would he do if you text him back saying I finish work at 2pm and as per the court order your contact time doesn't finish until 3pm. If you require a change in drop off time I need adequate notice so I can inform work and make arrangements.

Do you think he would actually leave her? Especially as you have it in a text message that he is doing this on purpose?

@Florencenotflo I don't know if he'd actually leave her, my worry is he means it and I then get into trouble.
OP posts:
pastabest · 16/02/2022 14:54

Why would you get into trouble.

He would be the one leaving her unsafely?

Even if you were late and didn't get back until 8pm at night its still his responsibility as her parent to keep her safe in your absence.

and he's admitting that he would do this in text messages to you. What a plonker.

I'd be going back to court and firming up the CAO with the new arrangements.

Or arrange for someone else to meet him when he is early (one of your parents, a trusted neighbour?) and he can explain to them why he is inconveniencing them by bringing her back early.

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 16/02/2022 15:00

@pastabest

Why would you get into trouble.

He would be the one leaving her unsafely?

Even if you were late and didn't get back until 8pm at night its still his responsibility as her parent to keep her safe in your absence.

and he's admitting that he would do this in text messages to you. What a plonker.

I'd be going back to court and firming up the CAO with the new arrangements.

Or arrange for someone else to meet him when he is early (one of your parents, a trusted neighbour?) and he can explain to them why he is inconveniencing them by bringing her back early.

@pastabest Thank you, I don't care about the new arrangement as such as long as DD gets to do her activity, but I do want him to keep her until at least 3pm so I have a hope of being in when she gets back.
OP posts:
pastabest · 16/02/2022 15:10

I can't actually believe you have been leaving work early to accommodate him. That is absolutely bonkers.

RestingPandaFace · 16/02/2022 15:10

Can you get a friend, one he doesn’t know to help out.

He texts to say he’s on the way back, you reply with @Florencenotflo’s message and friend waits incase he abandons DD.

If he does abandon her you go back to court requesting no contact. Your friend can step in and take care of her.

He’s a shitbag using her to control you, so play him at his own game.

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 16/02/2022 16:21

Thank you everyone some good ideas here, nice to know I will be unlikely to get into trouble. I will only not go at the moment if I'm working, see how that works out. The other things are less important/a problem.

OP posts:
Knackeredmommy · 16/02/2022 16:33

My ex used to try that. I'd just say I'm not home, bring back at 3. He once threatened to just drop them and leave them alone. I said if he did, I'd be calling the police on him for neglect, he didn't do it.
It's all about control, stand your ground.

Soontobe60 · 16/02/2022 16:38

@NeglectChargePossibly

Thank you everyone some good ideas here, nice to know I will be unlikely to get into trouble. I will only not go at the moment if I'm working, see how that works out. The other things are less important/a problem.
You absolutely will not get into trouble, but he will!
AnotherDelphinium · 16/02/2022 16:38

You’re not “unlikely” to get in trouble; you simply won’t get in trouble.
It’s his time, he’s given you insufficient notice.

I’d copy and paste one of the earlier replies so it even doesn’t sound like your normal phrasing/wording, therefore if he’s got an ounce of common sense he’ll realise you’ve taken advice and get back in his box.

KateMcCallister · 16/02/2022 16:39

The only neglectful one would be him, leaving his child on a doorstep despite you saying you weren't in.

I'd advise the terms of the contact order every time (eg your contact time with dc ends at 3pm as per court ordered arrangement) so if he does leave her then you have it clearly communicated that it's not at your request.

LittleOwl153 · 16/02/2022 16:49

How old is your daughter?
Do you know any of your neighbours well enough that they would look out for her or she would know to go to them if he did leave her?

I'd respond to the text at 1pm. I'm at work i'll be home at 3pm. You will need to take care of her till then. If he responds with the police crap just resend the same message and then ignore.

Clearly the police will think him irresponsible for dumping a child outside a house with not access/parent. And he will have given you the evidence of his intent via text message!

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 16/02/2022 18:58

@LittleOwl153

How old is your daughter? Do you know any of your neighbours well enough that they would look out for her or she would know to go to them if he did leave her?

I'd respond to the text at 1pm. I'm at work i'll be home at 3pm. You will need to take care of her till then. If he responds with the police crap just resend the same message and then ignore.

Clearly the police will think him irresponsible for dumping a child outside a house with not access/parent. And he will have given you the evidence of his intent via text message!

@LittleOwl153 She's 6 but has some SN so can behave a bit younger. We know a couple of the neighbours fairly well and I'm sure one of them would happily look after her I've just never asked.
OP posts:
SmellinOfTroy · 17/02/2022 08:58

Are you close enough to your neighbours where you could ask them to keep an eye out for him dropping her early and leaving her?

Or maybe you wait in your house with lights off and see what happens?

I would recommend installing a ring (or similar) camera with recording so you have evidence

Mosaic123 · 17/02/2022 09:06

It's really not fair for the neighbours to have that responsibility of looking out for him.

Most people would say they'd rather not.

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 17/02/2022 09:13

I live in a block of flats, he can't see if I'm in or not, not allowed CCTV on the outside of the building or outside my actual flat. None of my windows give a clear enough view of the entrances to be of any use CCTV wise.

Will have a chat with my neighbour, she has a similar aged grandson who she has most weekends so she might even be happy to help. If she says no though I'll accept that and come up with another solution - which will probably be me coming out of work early as usual.

OP posts:
Mosaic123 · 17/02/2022 09:20

Ring doorbells have cameras. You could put one on the door of your flat. They are triggered by movement. You can turn this bit off at all times except Sundays otherwise it will alert you every time someone walks past your front door. It keeps a history with times too

Mosaic123 · 17/02/2022 09:21

He won't need to ring the bell for you to see what time he's been. There is a small subscription fee to retain the information.

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 17/02/2022 09:23

@Mosaic123

Ring doorbells have cameras. You could put one on the door of your flat. They are triggered by movement. You can turn this bit off at all times except Sundays otherwise it will alert you every time someone walks past your front door. It keeps a history with times too
@Mosaic123 I'm not allowed to put anything on the outside of the building, the Housing Association will remove it. Also not allowed even a mat outside my actual front door, they remove those too. My windows don't give a view of either of the entrances to the block so I have nowhere for CCTV to go sadly.
OP posts:
gogohm · 17/02/2022 09:24

Does he have somewhere he needs to be so the change in hours is causing an issue or was he like this before the hours changed? It may be something you don't know about of course... seems odd to do it persistently unless there was a reason

Original poster
NeglectChargePossibly · 17/02/2022 09:29

@gogohm

Does he have somewhere he needs to be so the change in hours is causing an issue or was he like this before the hours changed? It may be something you don't know about of course... seems odd to do it persistently unless there was a reason
@gogohm He was always a bit like this even before the change but he's stepped it up since the change and it's not every time rather than every 2-3 times he had her.

He doesn't work the weekends he has DD (I know someone who works with him and it's well known he doesn't work EOW) so I don't think its that, the only thing I can think it might be is a girlfriend.

OP posts:
ToastieSnowy · 17/02/2022 09:31

My ex likes to pull this stunt particularly if he thinks I’m going out. Text him before he arrives with a “I’m working until X on Sunday, I’ll text you went I get home if you’re wanting to drop DC off early.”

That neatly covers you if he does leave her at the front door and calls him out on him not using all contact time. There’s no wiggle room for him to control you.

CanIPleaseHaveOne · 17/02/2022 09:38

@NeglectChargePossibly

I live in a block of flats, he can't see if I'm in or not, not allowed CCTV on the outside of the building or outside my actual flat. None of my windows give a clear enough view of the entrances to be of any use CCTV wise.

Will have a chat with my neighbour, she has a similar aged grandson who she has most weekends so she might even be happy to help. If she says no though I'll accept that and come up with another solution - which will probably be me coming out of work early as usual.

Will have a chat with my neighbour, she has a similar aged grandson who she has most weekends so she might even be happy to help. If she says no though I'll accept that and come up with another solution - which will probably be me coming out of work early as usual.

Why though op? Don't fix it for him. As other posters say - stand your ground, and insist he do his bit. Your helpful neighbour could be wonderful card in your pocket for help for you at some point, not him!

ivykaty44 · 17/02/2022 09:40

Send an email regarding this matter

Unfortunately you returning D.C. early and threatening to leave her in the doorstep alone is not helpful & is unlawful, apart from cruel to D.C.. I work and am not available before 5pm.

Where we can have flexibility it is good.
I suggest mediation over this matter if you are constantly unable to have D.C. after 2pm on a Sunday.

I await your reply on this matter by email only, otherwise I assume you will return D.C. at around 5pm each Sunday unless by mutation pre arrangement.

Swipe left for the next trending thread