Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Flip

Original poster

Mum's partner has passed away - where do we go from here?

21 replies

FeebasAquarium · 08/02/2022 20:29

Hoping for a bit of advise please, my dm's partner of 35 years passed away somewhat suddenly at the weekend.

He was in hospital but its still being treated as an unexpected death and being passed to the coroner.

I'm trying to work out how much my mum can do whilst not being next of kin. Are you allowed to register the death? Its not that she isn't amicable with them (the next of kin), its just they're about four hours away and if we can save them a trip prior to coming up for the funeral it would be handy. We have all of his paperwork passports etc

There's not much money or an estate as such, and again I'm happy to contact the bank and pensions etc for her/them but I'm not sure if they'd be willing to deal with me. I did a lot of this for my dp's mother when she died a few years ago and obviously I'm not her next of kin either but the banks were happy to speak with me.

Again she's not looking to do a moonlit flit with the cash, there really isn't much and he'd already arranged his funeral himself a few years ago (ironically around the time he saw us stressing over dp's mum and didn't want to put us through that again) we'd just like to get things in order.

OP posts:

CraftyGin · 08/02/2022 20:33

@Sausagedogsarethebest

Measureformeasure · 08/02/2022 20:35

First question is did he make a Will? If so, who is executor?

(Sorry for your loss btw)

Original poster

FeebasAquarium · 08/02/2022 20:39

No he decided he didn't need to make a will, and the more dm asked the more he wouldn't (I loved the man but he made an art form of stubbornness) he could've left it to the cat's home for all she cared she just wanted it done.

OP posts:

Original poster

FeebasAquarium · 08/02/2022 21:13

Dp has just reminded me that when his mum passed away (again no will) we got a deed of variation done where his dad signed everything over to him and her partner (dp's mum and dad had split up 30 plus years ago and never divorced) (really wish people would get their affairs in order!!!!)
I am wondering if that would help in this situation, although we're more concerned with getting a death certificate and him released to the funeral home really.

OP posts:

user1487194234 · 08/02/2022 21:50

It's up to his family to sort things out
She has no real position in this

TRANSLENDER · 08/02/2022 21:54

Have you or you mum spoken to his next of kin. They may want to sort things themselves or may be grateful for you to do it if you can, but you need to speak to them.

Sorry for your loss.

prh47bridge · 08/02/2022 23:16

If your mother was there when he died, she can register the death. If she wasn't, it will have to be registered by a member of his family, or an administrator at the hospital, or whoever is in charge of making the funeral arrangements.

Mossstitch · 09/02/2022 00:18

I registered my stepfather's death and sorted funeral, banks ect and in theory I wasn't next of kin or there when he died?!

LuluBlakey1 · 09/02/2022 00:26

@FeebasAquarium

Dp has just reminded me that when his mum passed away (again no will) we got a deed of variation done where his dad signed everything over to him and her partner (dp's mum and dad had split up 30 plus years ago and never divorced) (really wish people would get their affairs in order!!!!) I am wondering if that would help in this situation, although we're more concerned with getting a death certificate and him released to the funeral home really.

I am sure a Deed of Variation only applies to a will and allows all the people who have inherited to agree to vary the will- so they would all have to agree to whatever the variation being proposed was.

You need to mind your own business. He did not make a will, you are not his next of kin. It is nothing to do with you. It doesn't matter whether, any of what his next of kin choose to do and when, suits you or not and if you interfere with his estate that is illegal.

weebarra · 09/02/2022 07:55

Lulu, I'm sure what you say is factually correct. However the OP's mum has lost her partner and if they've been together 35 years, she must be devastated. Many marriages last a lot less time than that.
Clearly the OP is trying to support her DM. It would have been nice for you to acknowledge her loss.
OP, I'm very sorry. I think the best thing you can do is support your mum but also offer practical support to the NOK and it's their choice whether to take you up on your offer.

MargotEmin · 09/02/2022 08:05

The slightly unhinged married army who love to stick the boot into unmarried couples will be along any minute now OP..

Oh look, theres one already

They will gleefully tell you she has no rights and to butt out, but back in the real world your Mum and her partner's family will find a pragmatic way through this meaning that all the jobs that need to get done will get done.

There's a thread by a funeral director in Ask Me Anything at the moment, she might be able to answer some of your queries.

Loopyloulou007 · 09/02/2022 08:07

My friend who died was in a long relationship, but unmarried. When she died, her family took over. Planned a long catholic funeral, in the church that disowned her, for her sexuality. Chose all the hymns etc. Didn't mention her partner at all in the service or any flyer thing. Emptied the flat and all the bank accounts, even the one, they were saving for her wedding, but in her name. Took the car her partner had bought her. They both had separate flats, but alternated between the two as both had disabilities accommodated for at their own homes. Not heard a word from them since the funeral. Absolutely shocking. So be careful, you really have no rights and it only comes to light in times like this.

LadyPenelope68 · 09/02/2022 08:14

Whilst I don’t agree at all with how @LuluBlakey1 has worded it, unfortunately she is correct. If he did not make a will and you are not his next of kin, then you cannot deal with anything such as bank accounts, arranging the funeral etc, etc, it’s down to his family. Their decisions (unfortunately) will over rude any of your Mum’s wishes.

LadyPenelope68 · 09/02/2022 08:15

I’m really sorry for your Mum’s loss and I hope she has a good relationship with her partner’s family so that the situation can be dealt with in the best way possible at such a sad time and not cause distress for your Mum.

prh47bridge · 09/02/2022 08:17

@Mossstitch

I registered my stepfather's death and sorted funeral, banks ect and in theory I wasn't next of kin or there when he died?!

You were a member of his family and therefore entitled to register the death.

Motnight · 09/02/2022 08:20

@LadyPenelope68

What LadyPenelope68 says, Op. Wishing you and your mum all the best.

Measureformeasure · 09/02/2022 15:30

@FeebasAquarium Your mum can register the death and arrange the funeral if she wishes. She'll need to register the death as "the person disposing of the body", it's a horrible term, I know. That means she can arrange the funeral too. But she cannot deal with the bank accounts really, as others have said she hasn't inherited. I agree that it would be good to do everything with the agreement of the next of kin though.

VanGoghsDog · 09/02/2022 15:38

You may be sure, but you are incorrect. A variation can be used on the intestacy rules as well.

Also, only people whose bequest is affected need agree to the variation. So, if you and I inherited £50k each, and I wanted to vary the will, or non will, to give mine to someone else, only I would have to agree that because only I am affected.

It's a commonly held misunderstanding that everyone had to agree to a variation, but it is not right.

I can see why you would think that only a will can be varied, but that is not right either, though it's a bit of an odd situation.

Best not to comment on things you don't know about anyway.

Original poster

FeebasAquarium · 09/02/2022 16:22

Thank you for your advice and well wishes.

We have been speaking to the next of kin throughout (his brother) he and his wife are happy to help but they are very much of the opinion/understanding that my mum will want (is that the word?) to deal with the funeral and unless needed they'll basically see us there. Everyone is in their 70s, and they're not local, it seems unnecessary for them to make a 7/8 our round trip to basically nod along with my mum's wishes.

No one is looking to take anything, he liked to have lovely holidays and pub lunches rather than squirrel away cash - he's not been in the best of health for some time and liked nice things there really isn't much and I used to look after anything remotely complicated for him anyway (not because he couldn't btw but apparently I make a perfectly useful PA) I know he's not my dad but he's lived with my mum since I was about 3, his family are my family (literally we are actually blood relatives although obviously my mum isn't).

I think I can apply for power of attorney even intestate if his brother is happy to sign it over, and I know he will be. PA12 form, I was just hoping for some help with the process.

Incidentally if after 35 years you can just walk away because its 'none of your business' without even offering to help you're a colder person than I am.

OP posts:

VanGoghsDog · 09/02/2022 16:28

I think I can apply for power of attorney even intestate if his brother is happy to sign it over, and I know he will be.

Not power of attorney, administrator of the estate. Bro needs to fill in the form as the closest relative. He fills on PA12 to appoint you.

www.gov.uk/applying-for-probate/if-theres-not-a-will

mumonthehill · 09/02/2022 16:30

i know nothing of the legal bits but just wanted to say what a lovely daughter and step daughter you seem to be. i am so sorry for your sudden loss.

Flip