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Original poster

Ex refusing dd(17) her belongings and destroy don't want contact.

19 replies

WonderWomansBoobs · 16/01/2022 07:41

Dd(17) moved into her dad's for a few months after an argument with me. It was a knee jerk reaction and she regretted it almost immediately. When she went she didn't want to come back for her belongings so I packed it all up and sent it over. Now she is back here and her dad is saying the only way she is allowed her things is if she goes to get them. She doesn't want any contact with him so that won't happen. (She's really struggling with her mental health atm-saying she'd be better off dead etc)

I've pleaded with ex but he's not budging. She came in a set of clothes and at my request he gave her a bag of clothes which were 80% pyjamas Hmm Dd isn't even that bothered about her stuff, but she has receipts and memory type stuff she really wants back.

On another note ex is asking that I make the 2 younger dc (11 and 13) visit him more regularly. They don't want to go. He thinks I'm telling them not to go when it's actually the opposite (I'd love time off) but he's made very minimal effort with them their whole lives so they're just not bothered. All 3 dcs have mental health problems and he "doesn't believe in mental health" so I don't think that's the best environment for them to be in (but I'd never stop them going) any advice for me please?
Thanks

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 16/01/2022 15:22

On the basis that she had a good enough relationship with her dad until very recently that she actually chose to live with him, I think that at 17 she’s old enough to realise that if you’ve left something behind at somebody else’s house then it’s a bit of a cheek to expect them to go out of their way to bring it to you rather than you make the effort to go and collect it. She doesn’t have to have ongoing contact after that if she doesn’t want to, and it’s a separate issue to his relationship with your younger children.

Starlightstarbright1 · 16/01/2022 15:24

Could you not go with her to collect them?

Shitfuckcommaetc · 16/01/2022 15:29

Just because were nice enough to send her bits over when she flounce out of your house, doesn't mean your ex has to the same.
At 17 she really should understand that if she wants something she can go and get it.
Mental health or no mental health, sometimes we just have to do things for ourselves.

NoSquirrels · 16/01/2022 15:30

She needs to go and get her stuff. You can go with her. Do it ASAP so that it’s done.

Beautiful3 · 16/01/2022 15:45

I'd drive her over to collect her stuff. Give her a roll of bin liners.

feedthepeony · 16/01/2022 15:48

@ComtesseDeSpair

On the basis that she had a good enough relationship with her dad until very recently that she actually chose to live with him, I think that at 17 she’s old enough to realise that if you’ve left something behind at somebody else’s house then it’s a bit of a cheek to expect them to go out of their way to bring it to you rather than you make the effort to go and collect it. She doesn’t have to have ongoing contact after that if she doesn’t want to, and it’s a separate issue to his relationship with your younger children.
Agree with this totally.

She's old enough not to flounce about she having someone move in and out with belongings in tow would probably wear tiresome. It all just sounds a bit chaotic.

Theunamedcat · 16/01/2022 15:55

Are you uk? In America you can have a police escort you apparently

What does she think he will do?

Sirzy · 16/01/2022 15:55

I have to agree with the others. I don’t think your doing any good trying to sort it all for her like this. Arrange to take her over to pick up the stuff then she can decide what she does moving forward.

If she has a key can she go at a time he won’t be in?

Santahasjoinedww · 16/01/2022 15:57

Ime a pcso will accompany you and dd to collect her stuff. Then block the bloody awful man.

Original poster
WonderWomansBoobs · 16/01/2022 16:43

Now normally I'd agree with you all that dd should sort it. However she's had a very bad year and really isn't doing well. Some might say it's a flounce, I'd say she's close to a breakdown :(

We're not asking them to deliver it, just pack it up then I'll go and get it. She does have a key, but we wouldn't know what times they'd be out, if we asked them to be put at a specific time, I'd take a guess they'd turn up "early"

OP posts:
EverNapping · 16/01/2022 16:45

Put it to get this way, she goes, sees him once more and then never has to see him ever again.

She doesn't go & it'll forever haunt her.

Ozanj · 16/01/2022 16:45

I would just let the stuff go. Get her a few things to replace them.

aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 16:53

Why does she want nothing to do with him? I think unless there's a valid reason she needs to suck it up and go if she really wants that stuff tbh. But if you're really worried about her, why don't you go and pack the stuff up?

Original poster
WonderWomansBoobs · 16/01/2022 18:13

@aSofaNearYou

Why does she want nothing to do with him? I think unless there's a valid reason she needs to suck it up and go if she really wants that stuff tbh. But if you're really worried about her, why don't you go and pack the stuff up?
They wouldnt let me in the house to pack it up. She's worried if she goes they're going to start asking loads of questions etc. When she 1st came back here it was meant to just be for a night, which turned into 2, then 3 and I think she just realised that this is her home. Her dad is openly homophobic, dd is gay (he only just found out at New year and used to make comments in her earshot about people on the TV etc-I've known for years) They gave her very little freedom, wasn't allowed to go places etc. Now she said she would have been willing to visit him until he started being horrible to her. Twisting her words (gaslighting) and accusing my dh (who she loves) of hitting my dcs (absolutely not true, the thing she said was actually in reference to something ex had done) this is only a few things, I could go on forever.
OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 16/01/2022 19:51

Those seem like valid reasons for her not to want to go. But if he won't budge then she's just going to have to let go of those things, sadly, unless her relationship improves and she wants to visit him again.

Sirzy · 16/01/2022 19:57

I get why she doesn’t want to. But I think going and facing it (with you supporting her) will hopefully give her closure that she may not get otherwise.

Rainbowqueeen · 16/01/2022 20:02

If she has a key I’d keep a lookout and go in when they are out. Is that possible?

Dillydollydingdong · 16/01/2022 20:03

She'll just have to accept that she's not going to get he stuff back then. It's only possessions. Most of it can be replaced without too much trouble.

GettingItOutThere · 17/01/2022 17:07

can she not take afriend to help then?

or phone for a support , i know mackenzie friends are for lega stuff but is there a charity that would be able to help in this case?

shes 17, she needs to go and get her stuff. she moved out she needs to own this

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