Pos vs Neg re changing my name upon Divorce ?

[52andblue]

I am going through Separation with H & expect to be Divorced either this or next summer (depending on how difficult he is).
We have two teens, DsX (17) and DdX (14)
They just have their Father's surname. I wish I'd hyphenated both mine & his but it's too late now.

I no longer wish to be MrsX but I don't really want a different surname to my kids, and assume it might cause an issue with passports etc?

My maiden name was 'clunky' so dont want to go back to that alone.

so I thought i'd be maiden-married as surname after Divorce

any thoughts either legally or whether might upset dc at their ages?
(they don't want to be hyphenated surname too I shouldn't think)

Legally you can call yourself what you like.

I’ve never had the same surname as DD and have travelled alone with her around the globe since she was 4 months old. Not once had an issue. (She has my surname as a middle name so that is on her passport.)

With your kids the ages they are it shouldn’t be any issue at all.

My mum changed her name post divorce. I was primary school aged. In the following 10 years the only 'issue' arising from our separate names was a TSA agent in the passport control queue requesting we go to different counters (when 15 year old me approached the counter the agent at the desk asked if I was travelling alone and asked my mum to join me anyway).
We never had issues or felt 'less of a family' or any of the things people worry about.

Hi OP. I changed back to my maiden name when I divorced 12 years ago as I actually liked it and it was something I wanted to do. I have a deed poll certificate I use if needed when applying for stuff for the almost grown up children who have their dad’s name. I think it cost around £30. You can call yourself whatever you wish.

I also carried a copy of the deed when travelling to prove I had reverted back from my married surname to the name in my passport but have never been asked.

Hope this helps.

I didnt change my name when I got married, my surname is included as one of the DCs middle names which avoids issues with passport control.
I haven't found any other issue with having a different name to my DC, it's just the way it is, and in lots of countries it's completely normal.

You could add in your name to the DC's middle names fairly easily, you just need to choose one!

I’m of the age where women automatically changed their surname upon marriage. I do think that if you’re traditional enough to believe in marriage and all the trappings that go with it, then changing your name is just another trapping of marriage.
I’ve had 3 different surnames. My maiden name, my first husband’s name and my second husband’s name. After my divorce I didn’t bother changing my name as it’s such a faff, and I already knew I was going to remarry. I obviously wouldn’t keep my 1st married name when I remarried, and felt that reverting back to my maiden name was somehow erasing a period of my life where my first child was born. Honestly, a name is just a name.
I’m a teacher and the names we now have are amazing! Some kids have 3 surnames because 1 parent has a double barrelled one, and the other doesn’t. It’s getting ridiculous.
Anyway, my point is, don’t sweat over it.

@Soontobe60

I’m of the age where women automatically changed their surname upon marriage. I do think that if you’re traditional enough to believe in marriage and all the trappings that go with it, then changing your name is just another trapping of marriage. I’ve had 3 different surnames. My maiden name, my first husband’s name and my second husband’s name. After my divorce I didn’t bother changing my name as it’s such a faff, and I already knew I was going to remarry. I obviously wouldn’t keep my 1st married name when I remarried, and felt that reverting back to my maiden name was somehow erasing a period of my life where my first child was born. Honestly, a name is just a name. I’m a teacher and the names we now have are amazing! Some kids have 3 surnames because 1 parent has a double barrelled one, and the other doesn’t. It’s getting ridiculous. Anyway, my point is, don’t sweat over it.

A) unless you are 170 years old it’s never been automatic. It takes effort to change your name and should never be done “just because”

B) when it was automatic, it was because women had no legal status and were literally owned by men. Why anyone would want to perpetuate that hideous tradition is completely beyond me.

C ) a name is just a name only works for women, it seems. Men can’t possibly be expected to think about changing theirs lest they risk their dicks falling off. Sexism in extremis.

My name has been mine since birth. It links me to those I share blood with. All of my achievements are in that name. I have no desire to be more closely linked to my DH’s family than my own. Hell would freeze over before I changed my name. (Married nearly 20 years.)

ah thanks.
I think it's my background that is making me overthink this.

I was sent to School with surname A.
Discovered I was illegitimate from a gang at school (small village, had heard it from their mums) around age 816. Some kids were not allowed to have me home for tea because of it.
Age I found my real Dad's family and hypenated my surname.
Cue various members of my family stopping speaking to me.

When I got married (aged 33, in 2001) my Mum had a hissy fit that I didnt want her husband (surname A man who was not in fact my Dad) 'giving me away' as it would be 'a slight to him who had kindly brought me up even though I wasn't his'.
So, I was 'given away' to my H who was also upset that I suggested keeping my surname as 'its not really yours anyway' (& the double barrel was clunky tbf). So again I gave in to keep the peace.

So, part of me is tempted to just pick a whole new name from scratch. But then my kids might struggle with that (they have ASD and are VERY rule oriented). But I surely don't want to be MrsX abusive H any more.

sorry that was a vent

Ooops ... should be...
'discovered around age 8, found real (deceased) Dads family (B) age 16'

Woah, that's a lot! It's no wonder you've got some feelings about it, that's not straightforward at all. I'd do that, take your time and pick a new name for yourself that you love, what a great opportunity for a fresh start. Make the offer to the kids to add it in to their names, they might not like it but it seems like the way forward for you.

Oh poor you going through all of that OP. It does sound like it's time to put all the crap behind you and pick a brand new name entirely for yourself. Why not use letters from your dcs first names as a starting point, that way it's a nod to them too.

Word of warning. Someone i know changed their last name. But then they had no credit score as that person had never existed and it was a pain to sort.

erk @Paranoidandroidmarvin

that would not be good. I wonder how I could avoid that?

I have two children with different surnames to myself (😩) I've never had an issue flying and with the ages of your children I don't think you will have any problem in that aspect.
If you are not changing back to your maiden name and just hyphenating to add it I wouldn't bother legally can you not use it as a known as name but leave your married name as your legal name with banks, passport etc.
It's a huge effort changing everything.

Have you a name from your heritage you could use? Say your grandmother's maiden name.

My aunt thought that when getting her Equity card that because no two members can have the same name, she might have to choose a stage name. Turned out not to be needed, but was prepared to use her grandmother's maiden name.

@52andblue I’m not sure. She didn’t say. She just said it was something she had not even thought about. But thinking about it it makes sense as that person never a person before.
Moshe also said it was expensive as she needed a letter I think for everything she needed changing to her new name. And she had to pay for each letter individually. So I would look into it further. Not saying this would be you. But just incase. She had no idea what she was letting herself into when she did it.

[quote Paranoidandroidmarvin]@52andblue I’m not sure. She didn’t say. She just said it was something she had not even thought about. But thinking about it it makes sense as that person never a person before.
Moshe also said it was expensive as she needed a letter I think for everything she needed changing to her new name. And she had to pay for each letter individually. So I would look into it further. Not saying this would be you. But just incase. She had no idea what she was letting herself into when she did it.[/quote]
That’s ridiculous. They should have updated her record, but created a new one.

Otherwise everyone’s debts would be wiped just by changing name!

Maybe I should ask for this to be moved to 'Legal' just to check & be sure?