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Legal matters

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Original poster

What can he legally do?

27 replies

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 10:28

Looking for some legal advice if possible. My child is 8 months old and baby’s father has only visited 4 times in 8 months. All visits were under 4 hours long. I’d like to make it clear that I have never tried to stop him seeing baby, all I’ve stated is that I have to be present with the visits as baby doesn’t know who he is (he hasn’t spent enough time with baby for that to happen), and he’s never exampled parenting skills to me.

A few months ago we had arranged to meet in 5 weeks time. The day before the visit he messaged me saying he was going to be running an hour late, which was fine, but I told him that would obviously cause him to have less time with baby. The day of the visit arrives, I showed up at the destination and he ended up running 30 mins late.

I asked him why he was running late, he blamed the traffic. I pointed out that he should manage his time better as he’s known for 5 weeks he was seeing baby on this date. I clearly hit a nerve as he got very defensive, shouting it’s nothing to do with me etc.. I ended up walking away and going back home.

As soon as I arrived home I knew I didn’t like how things had went so I called him, no answer. Later that night I sent him a message saying that things got out of hand, we needed to communicate better for the sake of baby and that this doesn’t need to get messy or legal as that’s not fair dragging the baby through that! That was 4 weeks ago and he still hasn't replied. I’m very nervous and fearful about what’s to come. He 100% won’t let things go. He doesn’t think of baby he thinks of his own emotions and feeling. If he thought about baby he would of contacted me back. I sometimes feel he does things to get back at me as I was the one who ended the relationship between us.

Anyway, what could he legally do? He isn’t on the birth certificate but I am aware he can get his name added. He has never been with baby for any longer than 4 hours, not to mention I have been there at the visits too. Baby cries when in his arms as he is essentially a stranger. He is a compulsive liar, can’t take any responsibility for his actions (hence us breaking up). I text him after that last visit stating I didn’t want it to get messy or go down the court route for the sake of our child, he hasn't replied.. surely he has to try and work things out with me before taking it legal? I am happy to work things out as I'm aware of it goes down the court route it will be a messy horrible time for both me and baby.

Sorry for the long post. Hope someone can shine a light for me. And yes, I am aware I should probably just contact a lawyer.

OP posts:

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 10:29

Ps, I'm in the U.K

OP posts:

Pearlpink · 02/01/2022 10:32

Legally he can't do nothing if not on the birth certificate. Don't contact him again, let him contact you. If he threatens you tell him to take you to court which from the sounds of it he wouldn't anyway. Better off without him around.

TooWicked · 02/01/2022 10:33

He just doesn’t sound that interested really.

If at this point he can’t be arsed seeing his child more often than once every 2 months, and even then he can’t arrive on time, do you really think he’s going to go take you to court?

I’d stop contacting him. Stop chasing this man to be a reluctant father, and wait and see if he bothers getting in touch.

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 10:33

@Pearlpink
I think he can apply to get his name added to the birth certificate though?

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2022 10:35

Don't panic about court and what he can legally do
The process would be that he would first have to set up mediation at which you would agree a parenting and contact plan. You would both then be expected to adhere to it. If he stops then you can stop contact. He would then have to apply to court and if it got there he would have to explain why he didn't stick to the agreed contact plan.
Honestly if you don't think he should have contact because he's not reliable then just stop trying to arrange it. Stop running around after him.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2022 10:35

[quote frodojodo]@Pearlpink
I think he can apply to get his name added to the birth certificate though?[/quote]
Yes but that makes no difference to anything really
The court will assume he's the father if you don't contradict it

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 10:36

@TooWicked I'm not chasing him. The only reason I contacted him was because I really want to avoid court! I'm just wondering what he could legally do in his situation?

If he walked his talk he'd be decent. Before all this happened he constantly told me he wants to see baby more often but would never arrange visits.

What would a lawyer do for someone in his position? I feel he would need to try and work things out with me before taking it legal?? I usually thought it only went legal if the mother was restricting the father..

OP posts:

BooksAndGin · 02/01/2022 10:39

He can legally go to court for more access, usually they'll grant it unless good reasons like DV etc. they will of course take in account babies age, etc.
doesn't matter if he's not on the BC if you don't deny it they'll assume he is and he can apply to be added and he can request a DNA test at his expense.

BluebellsGreenbells · 02/01/2022 10:39

Not sure why you are worried about going to court. It will give you a legal footing to prove his failings as a parent. So far he hasn’t a leg to stand on!

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 10:39

I want to make it clear that I am in no way 'chasing' him. Honestly, we are doing fine without him. I'd much rather he disappear!! But, I'm aware he has this stubbornness and won't let things go. He holds on to the fact he has rights as he is the biological father. Doesn't actually care about raising baby just wants the status.

I only contacted him the once after that visit for the sake of baby, I don't want a messy court situation if it can be avoided.

OP posts:

Gargellen · 02/01/2022 10:44

As I understand it, the baby can only be swabbed for DNA/paternity with the approval of the mother. If this is true, you still hold the trump card.

Stop contacting him. He's not interested and the more you contact the more evidence there is of a bond.

Does he pay maintenance?

TooWicked · 02/01/2022 10:47

It won’t go straight to court, as a PP said you’d have to have mediation first, agree a contact schedule and parenting plan.

At this point when your baby is 8 months old and he’s only seen him four times, for what a total of 20 hours of his life, max? No mediator is going to tell you he should be taking the baby away for contact every other weekend. He’d have to build up contact and build a relationship with his child in a consistent way.

So eg, if he agrees to see the baby once a month, you say that the contact date/time/venue needs to be arranged a week in advance to allow you to plan for it. Then you sit back and wait for him to get in touch. He sounds the type that won’t (it really sounds like you’re the driving force in contact arrangements so I suspect the whole thing will fizzle out).

If doesn’t stick to the agreed plan, then you stop contact and he can take you to court, where he won’t be looked upon particularly well if he hasn’t stuck to agreed arrangements.

Just keep a record of everything, every time it’s you driving the arrangements, every time he’s late, last minute rearranging, etc.

Theunamedcat · 02/01/2022 10:49

Personally I would move on move away continue with your life do whatever he cannot just drag you to court because you complained he was late the worst that would happen right now is mediation and as you have no objection to him seeing the baby it would be a pointless waste of his time money and effort, so let him waste it

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 11:07

@Gargellen He only started paying maintenance when baby was 4 months old, so he's paid for 4 months. I'm not sure if he will pay this month though

OP posts:

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 02/01/2022 11:17

@Gargellen

As I understand it, the baby can only be swabbed for DNA/paternity with the approval of the mother. If this is true, you still hold the trump card.

Stop contacting him. He's not interested and the more you contact the more evidence there is of a bond.

Does he pay maintenance?

Actually a judge can order a DNA test. This is irrelevant here though as OP acknowledges he is the father. Pretending he isn't would be a stupid game to play.

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/01/2022 11:28

@frodojodo he does not have rights, he has responsabilities. Your DC is the only one with rights and that is to a safe and constructive relationship with their parents. Your Ex is responsible for maintaining that relationship.

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 02/01/2022 11:31

He can apply to court for dna tests.. Will he pay for that given he has paid just 4 months maintenance? Probably not imo.
You can go via Cms without him being on the bc.

Fuuuuuckit · 02/01/2022 11:36

@Pearlpink

Of course he can. Op has acknowledged he is the father, he absolutely can apply to court for contact (and to be added to the BC).

That said, it's a very very long road, and it looks like he's not bothered about contact anyway.

I do hope he is paying maintenance op?

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 02/01/2022 11:45

He's got you running scared of him as someone who 'won't let things go' and thinking that court will be messy and difficult and expensive. But it'll be all those things for him too. And he's 'let things go' for 4 weeks now since the last meeting. Stop panicking, sit tight and say nothing about contact until he gets in touch again. Keep records of all his lateness and disorganisation. And put a claim in officially if he doesn't pay maintenance, don't contact him and ask.

JustAnotherLawyer2 · 02/01/2022 15:48

People's faith in the justice system is naive.

Firstly, he's the biological father and mother is not denying this. He can easily apply for his name to be added to the birth certificate, it won't be denied unless he is a serious danger to the child - unlikely since the mother allows visits.

Secondly, he can apply for a child arrangements order. Such order would not include him being monitored by the mother. He would get little and often whilst the baby is small, and then eventually get the fairly standard alternate weekends and one day in the other week...unless he established himself as a wonderful father (being a shit partner doesn't always equate to shit father - nor vice versa!) in which case he might want 50/50.

Thirdly, the legal requirement is to attend a MIAM, a 45 minute mediation meeting to discuss what mediation is and whether it could help. Either party can then decline mediation. The mediator will sign the form to apply for court, and off the father goes to court.

Lastly, the story he's likely to come up with for court is that the mother has been controlling, refuses to let him see the baby regularly, won't let him take care of the child on his own, refused to let his name be put on the birth certificate, etc. Going to court for people in situations like this is almost always a shit show.

Oh and paying or not paying maintenance makes zero difference in a child arrangements case.

Advice: avoid court if at all possible and try your best to come to an amicable solution between the two of you.

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 16:35

@JustAnotherLawyer2
That's exactly what I've been trying to do. I've called and text after the last visit. I've reached out stating to him that I don't want this to get messy or go to court, I want to avoid that at all costs for the sake of baby.

If he isn't responding to me. What else can I do? I'm not going to keep contacting him if I'm not getting a reply.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2022 16:40

Some of these responses are just odd, of course the court can demand a dna test, and he can be added to the birth certificate, without her consent, and why would any one think he doesn’t wish to pay court costs as he only started paying maintenance when the baby was four months old

Op. Why be nervous of court, is it you’re concerned he will get equal rights and shared custody? Does he wish that?

Bluntness100 · 02/01/2022 16:42

I've reached out stating to him that I don't want this to get messy or go to court, I want to avoid that at all costs for the sake of baby

The baby won’t know, and likely most children would like to know a parent fought for them. The baby isn’t being dragged through anything, you are.

Do you mean you think the result of a court case maybe not what you wish or feel is in the child’s best interests?

Original poster

frodojodo · 02/01/2022 16:47

My main concerns are the fact he doesn't know how to parent. He never asks how she is or what her needs are. It's all about entitlement with him.

It's nothing about me not wanting him to have a relationship with baby, I've tried!!! Multiple times!! I can't help that he isn't replying to me. I have texts and proof I've reached out and want to avoid court.

I'd like to also add that he lives several hours away from me and baby.

OP posts:

Steelesauce · 02/01/2022 16:57

Court will be a lot less messy then this. He will be given a set contact arrangement and if he doesn't stick to it, that is that. Honestly, stop trying with this man. It is far more damaging.

I too, believed court would be horrible but actually, he never even took me once I came to my senses and thought sod this!

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