Social Services Rights - Need Help!!

[lailah2001]

Hi all,

Please no judging on my post.

I'm 19, 26 weeks pregnant living with mum. 26 weeks pregnant.

Got referred to support services from being upset, suffering with my mental health, I was at my boyfriend's house at the time, he wasn't helping me and arguing about how I was feeling - which was only making me worse. We both couldn't handle it therefore he called the police.

My mums house is not ideal for baby yet. She has clutter. She has got health conditions (had breast cancer and no bone cartilage in knee and other problems), which makes it more difficult for her. She is trying to sort it out for baby. Social worker came round for the first time and my mum got upset and refused to permission them to take photos. They said they would give her time until January to improve them do another check. I was angry with her as I thought this would only make things look worse than they are. Next thing I knew, I got another social worker. So my mum was out at a funeral, she called me for the first time and asked to see me today. I booked the appointment, felt pressured to see them that same day as I had not answered some calls the day before (didn't know who was calling). I knew Mum would be angry at me for booking whilst she's out, I didn't tell her I didn't want the stress. So social worker came round and asked to take pictures, I let her. Now I'm feeling threatened by them. She didn't give me much reassurance that baby would not get taken away. I'm so stressed with everything, I can't handle anymore. But now I'm upset that I've gone behind my Mum's back , I've done the wrong thing and should of listened to her about social services NOT being on your side - They kept telling me I would get support but now they're more interested in the house than offering me anything. I was trying to comply with them to not make myself look bad. I can't bring myself to tell my mum as she's going to stress more and be angry with me and I really can't take anymore.

I could move out. But I wanted to stay with Mum for support, really don't want to be on my own and need her around.

Please help.

If you moved could you move near your mum? This is so she can come over easily?

Your mum isn’t being supportive. She’s being the exact opposite. Social services are concerned that your baby may well be living in unsuitable conditions, your dm is preventing them from doing their job, you’re afraid of upsetting your dm. It’s a recipe for disaster.
You need to decide who is the priority here - your mum, your baby or you.

Why aren’t you helping her clean and de clutter?

They can't help you until they have assessed what help you need. Part of that will include seeing the home environment. They will expect to see an improvement next time they come and will use the photos as a reference point.

It does sound as is moving out would be best.

Your mom’s stress or being angry really isn’t your problem, that’s her problem. Refusing to let social services do the most basic part of them job is a huge red flag for them.

If they’re told “no you can’t take photos” that just appears as if you’re trying to hide something. You did the right thing in letting them photograph. They just need evidence and then they can make suggestions for improvements.

Try not to worry, if they don’t think it’s suitable then tell them to put you somewhere suitable. That’s their job to worry about, really. They can’t take your baby away from you just because you’re in someone’s house and it isn’t totally baby-proofed.

I worked with a family where there was mum baby and grandma in a house and grandma was a hoarder. Mum was not a hoarder but had some hoarding habits and was totally used to the state of the house and didn't see the issue. It was unsanitary and unsafe and the baby could NOT stay there once crawling. I worked with housing to get mum and baby placed in their own accommodation. This is what you need. You can still be supported by your mum but if she's a hoarder you cannot live with her.
If your mum is hostile to the social worker and doesn't want to let them visit and monitor the home conditions this will cause lots of worry for the safely of the baby. It's not about them being on your side or not, they are on baby's side. If you've grown up in a hoarding house you won't see the problem in the way the social worker does. Believe me they have no wish to take your baby away but they can't leave a baby in an unsafe environment.
When you talk about support from the social worker what support do you want? Do you want help to move out?

Can you help clean the house. If not and yoyr mum refuses you need to move out. They are not against you but concerned the environment is not fit for a baby.

@Laika89

Your mom’s stress or being angry really isn’t your problem, that’s her problem. Refusing to let social services do the most basic part of them job is a huge red flag for them.

If they’re told “no you can’t take photos” that just appears as if you’re trying to hide something. You did the right thing in letting them photograph. They just need evidence and then they can make suggestions for improvements.

Try not to worry, if they don’t think it’s suitable then tell them to put you somewhere suitable. That’s their job to worry about, really. They can’t take your baby away from you just because you’re in someone’s house and it isn’t totally baby-proofed.

SS absolutely can remove children for living in unsuitable living conditions. I know because I have done this. It would be a very last resort though and they would try and support parents to resolve the situation first.

OP you need to prioritise your baby. If your DM won't make the changes needed then work with SS and see if they can help you to find accommodation of your own.

Is there a plan for getting house cleared up? If this is realistically not going to happen you might have no choice but to move out. Would you be able to get somewhere near to mum's? I don't think your mum's attitude towards ss sounds very helpful to you in the long run. You were right to try to be reasonable with their requests.

SS absolutely can remove children for living in unsuitable living conditions. I know because I have done this.

Yes, but in the circumstances of the OP this would only happen if OP refused to move out and the home was actively unsafe. If OP is trying everything she can to move out but not successful for example they cannot remove the baby under those circumstances.

Social workers will want your baby to be in a house which meets certain minimum standards for safety, hygiene and comfort, with space for baby to develop. It doesn't need to be perfect or beautiful. If they are concerned about the house and taking photos, I think it's more than a "bit of clutter".

Ideally your mum would understand this, cooperate with the social workers and make necessary changes. Then you could live with her and get her support. If she won't, then you would need to be willing to relocate with baby.

From what you've said, it sounds like your mum is not currently cooperating with the social workers. Please do cooperate with them yourself, and try to take on board what they are concerned about, make whatever changes you can, and show them you are willing to prioritise your baby.

It's better to admit that you know there are problems, and show you are willing and able to address them. eg if your mum had let them take photos before, but said "I can see the house is bad, I am going to make these changes and it will be much better when you come back in a month". That is better than refusing photos, which raises a worry that your mum doesn't see the problem, or won't cooperate and make changes.

Social services will try and keep a baby with the mother, a legal threshold needs to be met to consider removing children.

Why are you not cleaning the house and getting it ready for the baby?

I think there's some information missing here.

Going back to the beginning when you lived with the boyfriend--"you both couldn't handle it, so he called the police"? For what reason did he feel that police intervention was needed?

Now you are living with mum (who appears to have some issues), and relying on her to make changes to the environment.

Have you ever lived on your own, independently? Ultimately social services need to see that you and anyone supporting you are able to make decisions that are in the baby's best interest.

Morning OP,

Child Protection Social worker here.
Firstly, I know you may feel bad but you've done the right thing letting them take photos.
Photos are objective, they aren't subject to memory or personal opinion, and since every person has a different threshold of what is 'dirty/untidy' it's really important they have this. I will say, photos are usually only taken though when there are concerns about the state of a home.

You're fast approaching the third trimester when it'll be harder for you to help doing heavy duty cleaning, and they may recognise this, hence why they are concerned nothing has happened as of yet.

What's the sketch with the father of the child/the boyfriend you make reference to?

Basically, my advice to you is, answer their calls when they ring or ring right back when you can, allow any unplanned/planned visits, please try to understand they will want to help you and will not want to remove your baby if they can help it!

If your mum isn't supportive they will likely expect you to register for council housing/ or seek your own accommodation if you have the means.

Work with them, don't lie to them (trust me, lies always come out and it just looks so much worse), and be upfront.

My DMum is a hoarder (and I lived in an untidy house all my life growing up)

If she's anything like my Mum she'll be putting it off until the very last minute/forever.
In her mind she's got ages - you aren't due for another 12-14 weeks .
Mine would start half hearted cleaning on Christmas Eve after everyone got home .

Even if you de-clutter (obvs within your capabilities with pregnancy) she'll fly into a rage that you've thrown her stuff out .

There's no easy answers , you want the best for your baby , your Mum probably feels attacked from all sides (there is no logic with a hoarder , I know from experience )

If mum is properly hoarding, rather than things have just got a bit on top of her, it might not be so easy as just get on with clearing up and it will all be fine. She may need more long term support with it But she would have to recognise herself that there is a problem in the first place and it would take time. Hoarders will usually just start re-hoarding without support. If this is the case you will have to start making plans to move out.

@GalacticGoddess

Morning OP,

Child Protection Social worker here.
Firstly, I know you may feel bad but you've done the right thing letting them take photos.
Photos are objective, they aren't subject to memory or personal opinion, and since every person has a different threshold of what is 'dirty/untidy' it's really important they have this. I will say, photos are usually only taken though when there are concerns about the state of a home.

You're fast approaching the third trimester when it'll be harder for you to help doing heavy duty cleaning, and they may recognise this, hence why they are concerned nothing has happened as of yet.

What's the sketch with the father of the child/the boyfriend you make reference to?

Basically, my advice to you is, answer their calls when they ring or ring right back when you can, allow any unplanned/planned visits, please try to understand they will want to help you and will not want to remove your baby if they can help it!

If your mum isn't supportive they will likely expect you to register for council housing/ or seek your own accommodation if you have the means.

Work with them, don't lie to them (trust me, lies always come out and it just looks so much worse), and be upfront.

Yes I thought I was doing the right thing too. This is why I was annoyed with her not letting photos being took first - I thought of it for proof that things WILL improve and knew it was objective too - I knew it looked worse not showing them the clutter they could see it as hiding something more. That's why I was open and honest with them in the first place but she's always been embarrassed to get help for it. I already know she won't agree with me and in the first place I had it in my head that I would not tell her, keep the photo part to myself, she already knows what needs to be done but I feel guilty for hiding it from her. If I do tell her, she will stress out more and I can't handle it I have so much to think about already.

Had a termination my first pregnancy before this too at 12 weeks. Then found out I was pregnant again a month later so my head was all over the place. I wasn't planning to continue pregnancy but felt stuck, didn't want a termination either. I had a termination booked at 23 weeks, left it last minute to book being that indecisive, had Covid the same day and decided to not go for all multiple reasons - I realised I was too mixed up and guilty to go through with it again and especially so late and did have feelings for baby already. Hence why I've left it so long to be preparing I have not long 'found out' what I wanted to do. Please no judging, some people need their own time to make the right decision.

Now... Having my first scan last week seeing my baby for the first time made it feel more 'real' and accepting of pregnancy, I'm more excited and fell in love with my baby.

Me and baby father have been together. Until these last couple of weeks, we are not getting along, I feel unsupported by him, he is not financially stable, he suffers with mental health, hasn't quit weed (says he would for baby) but he's not proving anything to me. I have tried my best to help him but at the end of the day he's not good for me and baby. Therefore had no choice but to split with him and take him out the picture. He says I have not given him 'enough time' but if he really wanted to change, he would. I've got some hope he will realise and sort himself out, but currently I'm accepting that he won't.

I seen it exactly the same - I want to work with them, have answered calls and allowing the visits etc. I only missed out on the first call as I didn't know the called ID. I've been honest and upfront, I've got nothing to hide, all I want was support for me and baby, which they said they would help with.

I have applied for housing too and applied for 2 bed new build, not heard back. I didn't have any supporting letter when applying though. I did ask them if things don't get sorted at my mums then will I get support with housing? They said yes. I'm just paranoid about taking baby from me from what everyone else has said. I didn't think it would happen as I am not 'unfit' its only living conditions - I work full time and would do absolutely everything for my baby, already feel that baby has given me a reason to live for and work hard, want to study architecture.

@70isaLimitNotaTarget

My DMum is a hoarder (and I lived in an untidy house all my life growing up)

If she's anything like my Mum she'll be putting it off until the very last minute/forever.
In her mind she's got ages - you aren't due for another 12-14 weeks .
Mine would start half hearted cleaning on Christmas Eve after everyone got home .

Even if you de-clutter (obvs within your capabilities with pregnancy) she'll fly into a rage that you've thrown her stuff out .

There's no easy answers , you want the best for your baby , your Mum probably feels attacked from all sides (there is no logic with a hoarder , I know from experience )

Thank you for being so understanding. It's helpful to know someone has been through the exact same - You are very right, that is exactly my mum too.

Based on what you have said there are no grounds to remove the baby even if they wanted to do hush I promise they do not.
However you will definitely need the social worker's help to get moved as they will consider you adequately housed otherwise. The photos will be very helpful for this. You'll need the social worker to liaise directly with the housing department and you may have to go into emergency accommodation.

Why did your boyfriend call the police when you argued? How bad was it?

I know you say housing is the only concern, but the relationship with the father sounds concerning.

I am very very relieved social services are involved

My advice. Listen to them. Lean on them. And accept you need help and support

@lailah2001
One other thing you could do is plan, find a family center through your GP, talk to a key worker or support worker there, get some advice & be proactive in making a plan to clean up the house or go into temp accommodation - there are sometimes mother & baby housing run by charities that could be really useful for you.