Estranged DH and his Stepdad - issues with other family members

[Unicorn34]

Sorry if this is a little complicated but I need to know who to contact to get the best out of this awful situation.

Back Story:
DH has severe PTSD, MH issues, anxiety, depression, SI and OCD. He is in his late 50s.
He has a family - two older sisters and their children etc.
Stepdad has just passed away - lives in the original family home which we believe has been left to all 3 siblings but unsure if the will has changed or not.

Bigger Picture:
DH had a huge argument with Stepdad 3 years ago. DH had been wound up continually by this man for months and finally flipped. They had a stand up verbal argument and it all went tits up. They never made up, DH tried twice to ask to meet and sort it but Stepdad never wanted to.

The WHOLE family then decided, without consulting DH, to wipe him off the face of the Earth and never spoke to him, contacted him, send Xmas cards etc. Even myself and our own DCs were submitted to the whitewash.
Last week two of the family members suddenly turned up at our home (typically I was out) to tell DH that Stepdad had died the day before. Lots of mixed emotions for DH as you would expect. We had not spoken to any of them for 3 years.
They now want him to pay 1/3 of the funeral extras!

Anyway - my question is - my DH is now suicidal and very unwell, he has not slept for 3 days and is getting lower and lower in mood. I believe he will need someone to represent him in respect of the family and what they will demand - possibly an advocate. I am unsure where he stands or who could do this for him - I know that the finances can be done via a solicitor but he wants someone who can act as a go-between when they need to discuss general stuff. He doesn't want me to do it as I will just tell them to F-off if they try to push us around (which they will).

My DH is not going to the funeral as he believes the Stepdad wouldn't have wanted him there anyway and we would also become a sideshow for the dicks in the family - which will make my husband even more unwell.

Does anyone know who is best to act as a go-between for him? I have read up on advocates but they seem to be for people who need someone to sit in with them for meetings etc.

Thanks for any help - this is going to be a rocky few weeks.

The funeral costs come from the estate. Ask to see the will. Tbh, I'd probably just appoint a solicitor.

Funeral costs come out of the estate

Who is the next of kin

I would go with fuck off

@Theunamedcat

Funeral costs come out of the estate

Who is the next of kin

I would go with fuck off

That would be my response tbh and I think that's why DH wants someone to represent him!

Thanks for the info about the funeral costs - I think he has paid for the actual funeral but its the "extra's" that the stupid family are talking about. Yep - fuck off is the only answer!

Are you prepared to advocate for him?
DH is too unwell to discuss this with you so please direct any further communications via myself. Oh and any fancy extras you would like at the funeral are for you to fund DH will not be doing so.
I hope your DH is able to access the support he needs to get him through this difficult time.

@Lonecatwithkitten

Are you prepared to advocate for him? DH is too unwell to discuss this with you so please direct any further communications via myself. Oh and any fancy extras you would like at the funeral are for you to fund DH will not be doing so. I hope your DH is able to access the support he needs to get him through this difficult time.

Thank you Lonecat - I CAN support him and advocate and do believe that he will need a solicitor for the financial stuff with the estate going forward.

I also need to find out how he gets his personal possessions out of the old family home as he has not been there for 3 years and the place will now be sold off, with the vultures taking anything of value. Really not a great place for him to be right now :-( but we will get there as usual.

You need to move quickly regarding his personal possessions as these can quickly disappear.

In this case a solicitor may be the best option.

Alternatively an independent advocate may be able to help. A lot of advocacy is around Heath and social care but there are some that cover other areas. Mind website suggested this one www.pohwer.net/community-advocacy

@Alpinechalet one thing I am really unsure about is whether or not we can enter the property as we have a key or whether it will be trespassing.

My DH lived there for many years so has a lot of sentimental possessions in his old bedroom and the loft. He has no interest in anything else. I believe he has as much right to go in there as his sisters as he was never told that he couldn't, but unsure how to check the legalities of this.

We aren't in the position to afford a solicitor unless absolutely necessary. I feel like going in there really early one morning so no one will be around but don't fancy having the police turn up later accusing us of burglary!

Imo go round when they are all at the funeral. They may have changed the lock!
I did this at my former marital home. Was legally entitled to. Took my own stuff and took photos as I left... To show i hadn't trashed it..
Send a wreath but stay away. Leave all to solicitor regarding the will.

I genuinely can’t advise on the legality of entering the property. The difficulty is doing this by the book will take time and may see his possessions destroyed.

As no one has said not to enter and he has a key @Santaischeckinglists is right going in when the property is empty and taking his personal items makes sense. Take photos or video as proof no damage was done. I would also leave a note advising what has been taken (keep a copy), just so they don’t think it is a burglary.

Thanks for the advice.