Debt and custody if I die

[TheDramaLlama123]

I am a single parent and want to know what will happen if I die, I have about 8 grand in debt - I have a couple of young children and a 21 year old. I'd hate to leave them with money issues.

I would like my eldest to look after their siblings as their dad has little to do with them and think they would be better off can I request this in a will?

I was told that I could request someone to look after DD, but it would be likely she would be given to ExH - who hasn’t ever met her, is an alcoholic and all round piece of shit. I was not comforted or impressed with this at all.

@ObnoxiousFeminist

I was told that I could request someone to look after DD, but it would be likely she would be given to ExH - who hasn’t ever met her, is an alcoholic and all round piece of shit. I was not comforted or impressed with this at all.

That's awful 😞

If you die with debt and have no property or assets which can be sold to repay it and no life insurance to cover it, then the debt is written off.

If your ex has parental responsibility (i.e. is named on the birth certificates) or you believe he would apply for it and want to step up if you died, then he would automatically be responsible for his children. You need to have that discussion with him. If he insists he wouldn’t have any interest in his children and wouldn’t want to take on their care then you can agree to name your eldest child as preferred guardian for your younger ones in your will - though they could choose to decline the guardianship after your death. And I think you have to really consider whether it’s the best decision to make to name them: if the worst happened and you died in the very near future, it’s an enormous responsibility for an adult child barely into their twenties to be saddled with the responsibility of two very young siblings. They’d likely say they were happy to do it for your benefit and with the best of intentions but without understanding the enormity of the decision.

Regardless, you need life insurance to make provision for the care of your children, especially if you have no estate to leave them. Take out a policy ASAP.

Would your 21yo want to raise them as a parent?

It's a hell of a lot to ask.

@littlebigtiger

Would your 21yo want to raise them as a parent?

It's a hell of a lot to ask.

Yeah. Your right. Just wanted them looked after. It is t fair in them.

@ComtesseDeSpair

If you die with debt and have no property or assets which can be sold to repay it and no life insurance to cover it, then the debt is written off.

If your ex has parental responsibility (i.e. is named on the birth certificates) or you believe he would apply for it and want to step up if you died, then he would automatically be responsible for his children. You need to have that discussion with him. If he insists he wouldn’t have any interest in his children and wouldn’t want to take on their care then you can agree to name your eldest child as preferred guardian for your younger ones in your will - though they could choose to decline the guardianship after your death. And I think you have to really consider whether it’s the best decision to make to name them: if the worst happened and you died in the very near future, it’s an enormous responsibility for an adult child barely into their twenties to be saddled with the responsibility of two very young siblings. They’d likely say they were happy to do it for your benefit and with the best of intentions but without understanding the enormity of the decision.

Regardless, you need life insurance to make provision for the care of your children, especially if you have no estate to leave them. Take out a policy ASAP.

Thanks, I can't really afford insurance. Also would t be paid out in this case. I did look into it. Looks like no other option then a dad and step mother that doesn't want them.

You can appoint a guardian in your will. If their father does not have PR, that will take effect on your death. Even if he does have PR, that would indicate your wishes. You could leave a side letter to explain your reasoning. If there is a dispute about where your children live, the courts would look at their best interests.

The children could only be removed from his care without his consent if there was evidence they were at risk of significant harm in his care.

So something like domestic abuse, severe mental ill health, drug or alcohol misuse, previous neglect, previous physical abuse, violent criminal history, severe emotional abuse.

If the children are old enough their views should be taken into account.

Look into getting his PRR removed now.

Are you sure you can’t afford life insurance? You can amend the policy to leave the money in trust for the children. It is usually only a few pounds a month. (Apologies if you have a health condition that rules out this option)

I really can’t see the benefit in life insurance for you OP!

Your debts are written off on your death if there is no estate, so that’s it, gone. No debt. If your eldest was prepared to take on your LOs, then the £ would help, but you’d have to get a significant policy for it to make much difference, which would cost a lot now.

Have you got a life-limiting diagnosis, or are you just hypothesising?

Because it might be far better for them to be fostered/adopted and maintain close contact with their sibling without their future being obliterated for the next decade or so, and reducing their chances of ever achieving financial stability.

@felulageller

The children could only be removed from his care without his consent if there was evidence they were at risk of significant harm in his care.

So something like domestic abuse, severe mental ill health, drug or alcohol misuse, previous neglect, previous physical abuse, violent criminal history, severe emotional abuse.

If the children are old enough their views should be taken into account.

Look into getting his PRR removed now.

How can OP get his PR removed?

How can OP get his PR removed?

If he got PR through being married to the OP, she can't. If he got PR in some other way, she could apply to the courts to have his PR removed but she would be unlikely to succeed.

OP I'm concerned by your phrasing here. Are you considering causing your own death? If so, there is a list of resources here that could help:

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/supporting-someone-who-feels-suicidal/useful-contacts/

Hi There TheDramaLlama123,

We're sorry you're having to consider all this.
When any of our users are having a hard time we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek real-life help and support as well.

Some further support links:

NHS: Where to get urgent help for mental health
NHS: Looking after your mental health
MIND: Coping with mental health problems during coronavirus

CALM: The Campaign Against Living Miserably
NHS: Help for suicidal thoughts

We hope things seem a lot brighter for you very soon.
Very best wishes from MNHQ.