Is it 'worth' me Separating / Divorcing?

[52andblue]

Married 20 years, problems for 10.
We have two kids both Autistic. Both at mainstream but problematic so I cannot work. I get Carers allowance. I am disabled myself, we live rurally and he provides NO care for kids. I have no life of my own at all. He does nothing to help me & little interest in the kids. He left in June.

He's had them (they are young teens) for 4 days (set up by me).
He doesn't feed them, they don't stay over at his. He 'drops by' to see them most days. Only he doesnt' interact with them much, just wants to make himself a cuppa & moan about his day. I can't stand him now.

I've found a lawyer & been granted Legal Aid to pursue a Separation (I am in Scotland so under Scottish Law if I can get him to agree then it's legally binding). LA won't cover a Divorce so l have to wait till youngest is 16 but the Separation should cover all finances, visitation etc.

My nice female lawyer has gone and the male replacement is brusque to say the least. He says he can 'still help with your Scheme, but if you want anything put into your name then Legal Aid doesn't cover that. I cannot advise re visitation, you could ask for more than 50% in your circs but not worth the bother as not enough money it for you, but if you gain anything at all you have to repay the Legal Aid money too'.

There is about £10K max equity in the house. ExH says I can stay, and keep that when I need to sell (in 10 years the interest only mortgage is up and I will have to sell as I cannot repay any other way). The only other assets are his pension (I don't have one). He will get around 18K per year from it when he retires in 12 years so there must be some sort of pension 'pot'? He says it's 10K total but surely more than that?

I was all set to go for a Separation then Divorce but I just feel so worn down with it. The Lawyer is clearly not very interested. H is refusing to provide a CETV for the Pension and lawyer says he can't do anything until I've got it but there is a time limit on my using my Legal Aid.
H thinks he's here for Christmas as per usual (ie no input at all, no gifts for kids, just eats / drinks solidly for days and dictates TV choice etc)

I am not sure what I am asking sorry, I just feel so worn down with it all. I will never want to remarry (nor does he). Do I just wait it out (will I still qualify for pension if so?) or do I get on with it?

He sounds awful, definitely worth divorcing. Tell him its properly over and he's not welcome at yours any more. Definitely do not provide him with a comfy xmas at your expense. He's a low life liar, a pension that would pays £18k per year is worth hundreds of thousands, so don't be fobbed off by £10k equity in the house. Demand the CETV and go to court over if you need to. And change lawyers, complain to the partners and demand someone else who will actually do their job.

@Ohsugaricehoneytea thanks for replying. I'm not sure if he does know the pension value but he's stroppy about the £100 he says it will cost to get it in writing? I just feel depressed about the lawyers and LA reclaiming my fee costs in 19 years when house sold etc. Why dies it have to be so slow and do hard? Whinge whinge (sorry)

Can you get a different lawyer? He sounds awful. You need someone who fights for your best interests.

What a coincidence there is £10k equity and £10k in his pension pot.

How does he explain how a £10k pot will pay out £18k per year??

Bugger, just lost my long post...

Losing heart with this.

It seemed sensible to Separate (then Divorce).
H left me 6m ago (in reality, left me to deal with 2 disabled kids for 17 years whilst he went to work and I had absolutely no support at all)
We will never 'get back together'.

If I separate now, H will sign to say I can stay in the house for 8 years. That is security. Plus I'd qualify for 20 years of his pension which I will need as I dont have one (or a career after such a long break) How do pensions work if he dies next year would I be paid anything (sorry that sounds both heartless and stupid of me but I genuinely dont'; know)

I assumed I'd need to Separate formally to prove to the DWP I was a single parent but it seems not. ExH lives 8miles away and has his rental agreement and CT bills to prove that but he does 'drop by' to see the kids (too lazy to have them at his plus they don't like it there) so I can see a gossipy neighbour asking 'if he's really left' & I dont want trouble.

But another part of me wonders. H seems happy to live separately. I still qualify for pension time that way (I'm not being greedy but until I can retrain and reenter the workforce in about 3 years if I'm lucky then I feel that's justified?) Is it worth racking up maybe a big a bill through LA that I will have to pay back anyway ? I'm not trying to 'game the system' in any way. I just wondered I don't do anything. I don't want to re marry. Eventually it will resolve itself as we age (mid 50's now).
I suppose the risk is that he remarries / leaves 'it all' to the dogs home but I don't think that is likely?

Sorry, thinking aloud. I just feel so very weary.

If you arriving separately, I assume if you are not working that you would need to claim

Set up your own bank account
Universal credit for yourself via www.gov.uk
Child benefit
Child maintenance from your ex
Possibly some extra money for your children if they are disabled
You can track your state pension entitlement on www.gov.uk under state pension forecast

How do you pay all your bills now ?

@GreyFeederC0c0nut
Thankyou that's good advice - & yes I've done that. We're completely separate financially, just a case of sorting out the house (no equity).

It’s highly unlikely that the house has no equity in it whatsoever house prices of absolutely rocketed since last year a loan I sold my house for 300 K and by the time it actually gone through I could’ve got 330 for it.

Get the estate agents round to give you three valuations and then ask for a Ric’s valuation that will cost you about £250.
The pension providers do not charge to give you a balance of the pension he’s talking absolute nonsense there’s absolutely no way there’s 10 K in that pension I started a pension for my daughter 21 years ago paid £4000 into it just to give you an idea there’s currently £70,000 in the pot.

Yeah he's got at least 500,000 in his pension pot

So he's just trying to stiff you

The pension story he’s telling you is bollocks. Get that CETV even if you have to go to court for it and agree you need a valuation on the house.
Also demand a new solicitor as the one you have now sounds rubbish & you need someone who will fight on your behalf. Don’t give up hope- this is a great way out for you & the kids and financially yes it’s worth it! Stand your ground, stop letting him in the house unless he’s there to collect the kids.
Good luck xox

Please be careful with specific advice in this area - this is one of the parts of the law that is very different in Scotland and England/Wales.

I've now seen the paperwork.
Pension 'pot' is £175K (I think, not great with paperwork)

I started a thread in 'money' section as I dont understand pensions but no progress so far.