Please help!

[jonny5000]

I have recently divorced and I am having a lot of problems with my ex wife and her new partner and looking for some advice on what to do if possible please.

My ex wife ran off with another man and has pretty much left me looking after our 3 children full time for the last 18 months. Since she has been involved with this man there have been several domestic incidents between them with various arrests and charges and she currently is on a suspended sentence for stalking and harassment incidents. He has addiction issues and a history of domestic violence. Generally speaking he is bad news and it is worth noting that my ex wife had never been in any trouble in the 20+ years of knowing her.

My ex wife now wants the children to live with her 50% of the time but is also living with this man. Due to my concerns about domestic violence I went through 'Clares Law' to try and understand his history as I am concerned with him being around my children. Social services have consequently been involved and clearly stated to my ex wife that he should not be present when the children are around, she has ignored the request of the social worker and now I am considering if I should take legal action to try and stop him being at the house. I have stopped the children being at the house until I decide what to do as per the advice of the social worker.

When going through what was a messy divorce my ex wife was making my life a misery threatening and demanding the majority of equity from our home! In order to try and give her the amount she was requesting I made the stupid mistake of giving my mortgage lender false earnings rather than actual earnings for that year as my self employed work was struggling due to covid and because I was looking after 3 children full time and generally very stressed with what was going on at home and had to turn work down as being brutally honest I was close to breaking point as I could not cope with everything. I was offered the mortgage with the predicted earnings but knew that what I was doing was wrong and withdrew the mortgage altogether myself, so never receiving any monies from the lender. My ex wife was happy for me to do this in order to get what she wanted but now is threatening me about it unless I allow the children to live with her and the new partner. I did also have a previous mortgage using predicted earnings which my wife persuaded me to do in order to get a new kitchen, so she is holding both of them over me.

It is worth noting that I do not have any of these mortgages anymore or any others and will never do it again , but I am still worried what will happen. My ex wife and new partner constantly threaten me and don't know what to do as I feel I need to take out a prohibited steps order on this man to protect my children but also worried about what I did with the mortgage. It was a stupid thing to do which I fully regret but feel I was trying to give her the money she wanted so all of the family could move on but now they are using this against me.

Please help as I am unsure if this is fraud if I no longer have a mortgage?

thank you

Jonny

Hello Jonny, gosh you're having a really hard time. How old are your DC? I think you really need to see a solicitor and get advice about formalising contact arrangements, and given the history I'd be pushing for supervised contact only, so you can be sure the new partner isn't there.

I honestly can’t see they have anything to go on, they’re grasping at straws.
I’d call their bluff as I doubt very much the mortgage company cares, nor would the police especially given what they will be able to see about your ex w.

Regarding the mortgage applications - my understanding is that if you don't have a current mortgage, nobody is going to be bothered. So the next time she threatens you, just say 'OK go ahead'.

I would repost this in the Legal Matters section on here OP, hopefully there will be someone on there who can give you a definitive answer on the mortgage thing. I don't think you have much of a choice with regard to the Prohibited Steps Order regardless of the answer though, if SS are involved they will want to see that you're protecting the DC and it certainly sounds as though the new partner shouldn't be anywhere near them.

You didn’t take out the mortgage, don’t worry. You anxiety levels must be super high at the moment, this is really something to drop, call their bluff and give them the number of your mortgage broker.

Your ex sounds like a piece of work, keep protecting your DC, choose how you want to communicate with your ex and stick to it. Email only is useful. This situation isn’t forever, how old are your children?

thank you so much for your help, please can you tell me where the legal matters forum is located?

Yes you are probably right, I am very anxious at the minute and perhaps not looking at things with perspective. All I want to do is protect my children and make sure they are in a safe environment! I had spoke to a solicitor who advised I file a C100 form myself to take out a prohibited steps order against this man. thanks for all your help.

thank you. The whole thing has gone on for so long I need it all to stop as its not good for the children. The children are 10, 7 & 4 and the eldest has ASD, so that is another of my concerns how this new partner would treat him, but ultimately I don't want the children anywhere near him. I just wish she could see how her actions are impacting the children's lives. Unfortunately he is constantly put before the children which is sad and confusing for them.

Confusing, but the issue seems to be that ex and partner are saying if you don't let them have custody of the children they will report you to the mortgage company for inflating your earnings on an application?

Since you didn't actually take out the mortgage it's a non-issue. Even if it did come to questions being asked [it won't] you'd just say you over-estimated in error and that's why you didn't take out the mortgage.

I don't understand the bit about her 'holding over you' the other mortgage. What exactly do you think she might do?

It's not clear whether you've actually had the divorce yet? There should be a ruling on the property/joint assets, and she should be paying you child support.

The Legal Matters board is under Other Stuff in the main Talk menu OP, or you can click the 3 little dots on your original post then click 'report' and ask HQ to move your thread to Legal Matters if you'd prefer replies to focus on the mortgage issue and legal processes.

Yes my ex is saying unless I allow her joint custody with her partner being there she will report me for inflating my earnings on the application which I then withdrew completely.

There have been 2 mortgage the one mentioned above to try and buy the new house after separation and a previous mortgage which I think used slightly inflated earnings. Basically I had no money but she convinced me it was ok to get what she wanted, again really stupid on my part and regret my actions. Like I say I no longer have a mortgage so this is several years ago now.

We have been divorced since June 2021. There already has been a ruling on the property / assets, so that has already been dealt with.

Keep putting your children first. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

My mum left us for a new relationship, my Dad brought us up. Your ex is caught up in the excitement and drama of this new relationship, I would hope that things calm down when the novelty wears off.

Don’t neglect you, make sure to get adult support, Gingerbread used to be a good resource, they did meet-ups www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/becoming-a-single-dad/

thank you for this, I really appreciate it. Sorry to hear you went through a similar thing. The children are happy in my care, but unfortunately there is always drama when they spend time with their mum, I just wish she could see how it is damaging for the children. will check out gingerbread, thanks again.

Ignore the threats. Don't respond at all to them. They can't do anything, kitchen mortgage is paid off and you didn't take out the 2nd one.
Keep your children safe and away from this man. Tell her if she wants to see them then she can apply for a child arrangements order to go about it the proper way and start mediation and apply to court. Don't budge, he is unsafe, she can't protect them and she is refusing to put their needs above his. Until CAFCASS deem it safe, don't risk it. Offer to make the children available at a contact centre, sharing the costs in the interim.

Great advice Gammermum76. Everything you say makes complete sense and mirrors the solicitor who I have just spoken too. She said the same that I have nothing to worry about regarding the mortgage and the fact she was involved is virtually the same for her in terms of involvement.

The man she is with claims he had nowhere to live hence needing to live with her, when in fact he sub letted his council flat which I don't think is something he should be doing either, so I am sure if this came out in the wash he would be trouble for this.

Do you think it is better to make her take me to court rather than me taking out a prohibited steps order against him?

thanks again for your help, I am so grateful

Do you think it is better to make her take me to court rather than me taking out a prohibited steps order against him?

Yes, I doubt she will make the application.

I would however formally write to her to explain contact with children must be supervised and not with her partner due to recommendation from social services.

If you apply for a prohibited steps order you will be paying and a judge is likely to order cafcass report. Let her either apply to court.

How are the children coping without seeing her?

Btw, a family Court won't be interested in this...if she reported you to the mortgage company they are not likely to follow up especially if no contract with them.

I have already spoken to her and been very clear she is not to have the children stay at her house when he is present or come into any contact with him. I have said it's ok for her to see them locally to where they live, but under no circumstances should they be around him. So the children are seeing her which I think is important for them which they are happy with. ideally they want to stay at her house but they know her partner should not be present so they kind of understand without giving them any details. I don't think she is likely to take things to court as she likely knows the court will take a dim view that she ignored the social workers requests and also because her case is weak given his background. I dd wonder about contacting CAFCASS to see what there advice was? What do you think?

CAFCASS can only get involved if ordered to be the Court.

SS have given you good advice, so follow that.

You can't get a prohibited steps order against him, only her. It would need to be that she must not permit the children to come into contact with him.

If you were my client I'd be saying you should apply, and also consider a non molestation order against them both. You can get legal aid for that.

Thanks for this. Yes I am looking at a prohibited steps against her.

With a non molestation order do I not have to be a victim of domestic abuse? How do I go about finding a solicitor and obtaining legal aid as I understand not all practices accept legal aid.

Do you think it is a bad idea to represent myself in court? I don't suppose I can send you the draft of the C100 & C1A to see if you think I stand a good chance of it being granted if possible please?

As this has all gone on for about 18 months now the children need consistency so I guess without an order its not a great situation all around. Unless she tells him to leave when the children are around I can't see there being another solution? thanks again for your help

They are harassing and threatening you, that behaviour can be forbidden by a non molestation order, yes.

Legal aid solicitor search here

find-legal-advice.justice.gov.uk/

I wouldn't really want to consider forms outside my firm, so no, but the forms are straightforward, you just need to say all you have said here.

It's always better to have proper representation if you can, but the worst option is doing nothing and leaving your children at risk of being harmed by her abusive relationship.

There already are threatening and harassing messages from my ex's new partner filed with the police so do you think I should take out a non molestation order against him as there is no reason why he ever needs to contact me and he messaged again last night. Is it something I could do at the same time as the Prohibited Steps Order? thanks again for your help.