Amending existing child arrangement order

[Hope4newlife]

Hi,

Going through divorce for nearly two years and still haven't sorted all.

I can only discuss with one at a time as I am utterly disgusted by my ex.

I have enrolled on a College course for my career and then got a full-time job and start work next month. Luckily I had a choice to move to two nights instead of one full-day course.

I asked my ex if he can have my child either two nights a week rather than one night by court order or change the date plus 4 hours extra so that I can bring my child back home after the college for one night. He refused as I expected and told me to go back to the court if I want to change it.

It's definitely hard to find a nanny in my area or I would need to pay a lot of money. As far as I concern about my child, father's place is the best place to go than anyone else's place or under someone else's care. By the time I come home, it will be 9:30 pm and my son is still too young so wished that he can have my child and then bring home early morning because I can still take my child to school.

My ex insisted that I should not work or study while he works full time and has my child after his work on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

I put my child afternoon wraparound care in order to get a job otherwise, I may lose the opportunity as there is a long waiting list.

I have no family here in the UK and I am not a native English speaker and got a job in a million chance while I have no work experience in the UK in mid 40 and I am studying so hard to get my AAT certificate and really looking forward to become a chartered accountant one day from where I were only able to say hello and thank you 9 years ago and didn't get such support from my English ex.

I am now about to go back to Court and thinking that is this what I really have to go through again? We had a long fight for child arrangement and prohibited steps order, and it finalised early this year. My divorce is that now I can apply for Decree absolute, finance is still to be sorted(i want to mention that he is the one who is asking for his entitlement for the property while he has a good job)

I have been so hard to do all the duties on my own as if I were a widow while dad hasn't helped for homework, education, after school activities nor child's upbringing cost while I have been receiving UC. He refused MIAM for finance so I had to go on my own. Now he is asking me to pay court application and again have to go to court without a solicitor. I do not really want him to have 50% childcare but he refused to look after my child at home when the school closed due to snow, he refused my child to have counselling at school, he refused to take my child to after school activities.

Do you guys have any suggestions?

no legal as such but i would suggest you dont ask him for help if he is going to be like this, he may use it against you and go for 50-50, as your child is young i am not a fan at all of this.

So ask friends, nursery do childcare sometimes? Do not ask the x

Not much chance of shared care if you have it documented that he can't do two nights a week.

I am a big fan of 50/50 my 2 year old loves being with her dad. Much like she loves being with her mum. She has two parents.

Yes, this was the point that I fought for to have my child during the week so my young child can have a steady routine and support in one house and play at another house at the weekend. But unfortunately, court didn't agree.

What I am not happy about is that dad's pickup time is 5:30 so I have to pay childcare cost until that time and I cannot arrange after school activities because dad doesn't agree to take my child on his time although I am paying all out of UC. My ex pays less than 10% of child upbringing cost while he has 36% overnight care. (Fri, Sat and Sun nights every other weekend and Wed night from 5:30 pm) This isn't even included bills and food. CMS only gives me £47 a week on his over 40k salary.

If I ask him 50% childcare, he will suffer too because his family won't help him, especially everyday. While I am being pushed to do all duties because dad didn't do what parent has to do and it affects the relationship with my child too. My child always complains because he has to do homework with me but when he goes to his dad's he doesn't have to do any homework. My child is now used to go back and forth between two houses. I am struggling to find someone. This means I have to quit the college. I am thinking why do I have to suffer while dad enjoys when he is free after work but against me on every occasion? It illustrates that he just wants me to suffer.

How some other people in a similar situation manage all these without dad's support? I think it's unfair and I want some fairness on cost at least if he is not going to help out on my child upbringing.

Oh that's really sad. The way I would view it would be that if you qualify your quality of life improved following graduation then my son's quality of life would rise with you so I would want to help for my son's sake. Also I would want to be supportive of my son's mothers ambitions. It sounds like your ex is a problem.

Are the CMS calculations accurate? Is he fudging them by putting lots into a pension fund or self employed?

I wish my ex's view is like yours but I don't expect anything from him. As he has demanded me to go back to Court if I want to change the existing arrangement, I have no choice but to go back to Court for fairness. However, my child will suffer. He won't be able to continue activities and maybe missing homework, not taking stuff to school.

I didn't know CMS reduces the amount if he puts more money in the pension pot. But whatever, I don't want him in my life anymore. 6 years of emotional and physical abuse and parasite in me and 2 years of court fight for Wednesday overnight is enough.

However, I need to end this endless fight with an energy (and money) vampire! 36% to 50% with dad won't be much different for my child but I don't have to burden on duties and cost all on my own just like the same as when I lived with him. I will get freedom and let my child decides whatever he wants and I will support fully on my head but half of cost and half of time. Does this sound good?

You can't force him to have your child more, and no court will order it, I'm afraid.

Can you give some understandable reasons why I cannot ask Court to amend the existing court order due to the circumstances have changed and old one doesn't practically work while father doesn't agree on anything without a good reason but intentionally make the other parent suffer financially?

If your view is what the court/judge's would conclude then the court is really demanding all the mothers in this world should give up their job as it may cost more than not working as exactly what my ex said and mothers shall rely on UC that doesn't even cover the basic cost of living but cannot ask anything to father?

He finishes work at 3~5 and pretty much flexible other than some occasions. I finish at 5:30 and require over time work as I am in finance sector and my career is as important as his career and enhancing my career, the study is necessary.

Another questions is if I cannot ask Court then what do you suggest that I can take?

A court won't force a parent to have their child more often than they want to. If hes happy with the current set up they won't order more.

As PatriciaHolm and milkytwilight said.

Other people rely on relations and friends - who may have initially been colleagues or neighbours - to look after their children. This includes btw parents who haven't split up due to the lack of flexible and affordable childcare in this country.

Why can't you do AAT one day at college? When I did it it was 9.30-3 so you could fit it round school and it's term time only
How old is your child?

I appreciate all comments. Please bear in mind that this is just the tip of an iceberg.

My point is that I want fairness in childcare either he contributes more or involvement of 50% share care.

1. Who pays for childcare cost until 6pm? me! because I have decided to work instead of getting UC from gov which is embarrassing personally. My ex kindly suggested me to work in a restaurant or cafe during the day only until pickup time (9:30am - 3pm) while father has a choice to work full time, part time, not working, whatever. (I am not saying that those jobs are less valuable, I am not even sure I can get a job in a restaurant or cafe only in those times). It's all my fault to leave from abusive marriage and the consequences I get from my decision to work and study. is it?

1. Studying with a young child in the house, yes, can do with 5 year old child but I have already been going to college for the last three years during the day in those difficult circumstances fighting with the father of DC and not knowing or understanding culture nor English perfectly and still.

1. Who pays while I go to college? me because I have decided to study to get a job instead of receiving UC and to get paid more in the future, and it will benefit DC. This is my fault as well, is it?

1. Father has all his family and friends around as this is his hometown and I am a completely stranger with a tag on "a foreign mum of an English father's child".

50% share isn't ideal at all for me. As a result, DC suffered from traumatic event of parent's divorce, and dad refused to have a counselling at school after about 9 months waiting due to pandemic, etc. School couldn't do anything because dad didn't agree. Term time during the week contact wasn't my idea either but Court decided as father wanted to prevent me moving away by putting a day during the week, and times were set in his favour because I wasn't working at that time but he isn't demonstrating enough on parental duties.

Am I here as a widow? I am so sad and angry that I am posting this to public and begging for some advice or ideas that I haven't thought about.

I will eventually be able to find a nanny who can look after my child but with a greater price and it's all on for me on top of after-school club fees and all other costs. In my case, I am way better off with UC and less headache than working but I do not think it's right and I do not think that I should be limited on working or studying because primarily I am a mother of a child while dad gains huge benefit with less duties and less costs on childcare.

I suggest you seek part time work and day time college. If your work is finance based can you ask them for day realise to do your AAT or a 4 day contract?

There is no point returning to court the UK system doesn't work the way you want it to.

Even if the court awarded more time with your Ex they cannot enforce it, they will not force him to have his child.

Maintenance is set by CMS and based on actual overnights.

You can find childcare via babysitters or childminders.

It's is a hard life in the UK as a single parent when you're on low wages and an disinterested or absent parent that does not care for the welfare of their child.

@RandomMess

I suggest you seek part time work and day time college. If your work is finance based can you ask them for day realise to do your AAT or a 4 day contract?

There is no point returning to court the UK system doesn't work the way you want it to.

Even if the court awarded more time with your Ex they cannot enforce it, they will not force him to have his child.

Maintenance is set by CMS and based on actual overnights.

You can find childcare via babysitters or childminders.

It's is a hard life in the UK as a single parent when you're on low wages and an disinterested or absent parent that does not care for the welfare of their child.

I completely agree with this And if you're entitled to UC don't be proud, claim it and any childcare help as a short term fix until you're earning enough not to need it, no one needs to know, it's private

As RandomMess said the Court system in the UK doesn't work the way you want.

There is no fairness.

You ended up being the main carer of your joint child therefore you suffer from this fact while having most of the joy and responsibility of bringing them up.

You need to start befriending people around you to build up an informal childcare network. To do that you mustn't display the resentful attitude you have shown here.

Hi OP,

The whole system doesn't appear to be fair on the resident parent who does most of the care.

The court will not enforce dad having more contact, though days and times could be changed.

You mentioned there was domestic abuse in your relationship. If this is documented with police/social services then you may be able to claim legal aid. All the best xx

The court will not enforce dad having more contact, though days and times could be changed

If dad is sticking to the times agreed in the Court Order so isn't screwing around, then you will have a hard time explaining to a judge why it is in the best interests of your child to change a regular contact schedule with his father when his father doesn't want the times to change.

If this is documented with police/social services then you may be able to claim legal aid.

You need to basically be destitute to get legal aid.

Thank you very much for all your comments.

Basically, that's what I want if more days are not enforceable. At least if I can change days and times will do for me with some grades.

Domestic abuse was reported and CAFCASS involved but because I wasn't physically abused with bruises and my eyes didn't pop out but emotional abuse, cut off all male contacts include my school teachers by sending him an email, not letting me going into the class, snatching my child, swearing, calling me all sorts, damaging the items in the house that I bought cannot be proven that he did, CAFCASS didn't consider it an abuse, so it wasn't affected child arrangement at all. But how I described on the statements with broken English wasn't looked good. Judge even cut me off during my speech that was no more than 3 minutes out of 1.5 hours of court hearing and she spent the rest of time with the father's solicitor and made an order for what the father's solcitor required on all he wanted.

I don't trust the court system anymore but I need to look for some common outcomes so that I can figure out if this is worth fighting for.

By the time you took it to court to change current contact your class may have changed nights or times anyway tbh.

It would cost you so much it will likely be cheaper to pay for childcare anyway.

I'm sorry to be so bleak but it would be very difficult to get established contact changed and you may just seem as being difficult in court not to mention the emotional toil on you.

I would save going back to court in case circumstances drastically change.

Second the other posters who've said the courts won't be any help for you. They can't and won't force a reluctant Father to take responsibility for their child. Fairness doesn't come into the equation as our system is built to allow men to divest their responsibility. Those who are decent men and Fathers do what is right, but it's a personal choice and not a responsibility imposed upon them legally.

To illustrate the ridiculousness of the UK courts, my ex dragged me through court for several years to get a very specific contact pattern. I agreed to this, re-arranged my work and childcare to accommodate only for him to then refuse to have the weekday contact which he'd insisted on being on such specific terms (wasting a lot of time and money in court).. he barely sees our child as a result. Like you I pay every penny of childcare, all costs with a pittance from him that barely covered a couple of days childcare let alone the rest. I also didn't want to go on benefits so stayed employed, which I agree is a financial disadvantage - I would have been much better off and likely less stressed out on benefits. 10 years later all I can say it's really hard being a single parent in the UK with an ex like this and little income but I'm proud of having got this far and raised a wonderful child single handedly.

Stupid comments about claiming legal aid when OP wants shared care. I know it's given out like candy but that kind of attitude doesn't really help.

Take legal aid to take someone to court for increased contact they won't honour? Legal aid doesn't grow on trees. Tax payers have to pay for it. Disgusting.