Unwanted contact from biological father with PR - what to do?

[CinderellaLostHerShoe]

After years of sporadic and superficial contact with their biological father, following a specific incident several months ago, my child has decided they no longer want to be in contact with him. They have not been responding to any messages (of which there have not been many) but recently turned 16 and he sent them a letter (hidden in a birthday card) full of vile comments (directed towards my child) and untruths (mostly about me - don't much care about this except it goes to show how delusional he is as some things are blatantly made up even though he seems to believe them himself, and others are perverted twists of the truth) as apparently "they are old enough to be told". I have never told my child anything about the relationship as I have never wanted to influence their own relationship which I have always facilitated.

I am unsure of the intention of the letter, as what it has done is only to ensure there is no way back to any sort of relationship. My child has now blocked him on their phone, after which he has gotten family members to message on their birthday with more of the same (now also blocked). Who does such a thing to a child that they supposedly care about, on their birthday no less?!

However, he has also approached my child's school, "wishing to discuss them." The previous incident was the first time he had been in contact with the school, despite the child being there many years and him being aware of the school they attend, as he has never shown an interest. But he has shown them he has PR by way of the child's birth certificate so the school is legally bound by this. School is aware of the situation and will only provide the information that is legally required, but unfortunately this includes information about events that parents can attend. My child does not want to see him and is scared he might turn up at school.

Sorry if I am being quite vague and rambling as I do not want to give too many specifics, but what can I do? I would get legal advice but don't even know where to start. If this was a peer of my child it would be called harassment and I am sure steps could be taken to protect them.

If it matters, he was and continues to be abusive to me. I will only communicate by text and will only answer if there is something to be said which mostly means ignoring his texts. In the last few years when there was contact this was arranged between himself and my child as they are old enough to sort this but they have now chosen not to engage in any communication and, as they are still a child, I need to step in and protect them, only I don't know how.

Please help with any advice or a point in the right direction.

At 16 your dc can say the df isn't to be told anything..
At 14 my ds did so.

Thank you for answering. The school have said this is not the case although 'they will look into it', but unfortunately I found some info on a .gov website that suggested what the school said may be correct.

Can you and DC take out a restraining order against him?

Can your child ask for a one (or two if you want to go) on one meeting with the head and lay out straight that they do not want the father to be told anything about them a d this is why.

Surely, despite the father's attempts, the school have a duty of care to protect and not actively distress the child in question.

Sadly failing that there is the option of moving (not idea given 16 is gcse year) and not telling him.

Hopefully with study leave coming up there won't be much longer for him to try and make his attempts.

Can the NSPCC offer you any advice,

Also, @Brollywasntneededafterall did your ds's 'd'f stop contacting him when requested? As I don't see him doing this without resorting to a legal route to get him to stop. I believe he will turn up at our house, the school, and keep trying ways to contact my child. He has done this in the past when my child was much younger (turned up at their school and stood outside the gates, which meant the school called the police as they didn't have a clue who he was!), and I have had to call the police on him twice before. once when he pushed into my house and another when he attacked my husband in front of my child. Both times he then immediately left but he was also warned by police about sitting outside another woman's house miles away when she ended a relationship with him. Unfortunately he is not a rational person.

Found this..

Thank you I will try to see if NSPCC have any advice. Surely this would constitute emotional abuse.

We have already had a meeting with school where this has been said (my child specifically told school they did not want him to be given ANY information about them) , and although I do believe the school want to do what they can, they mentioned their duty of care as well as their legal obligation because he has PRW. Which, of course, court will only remove in very rare circumstances and because he has mostly not bothered and left us in peace for a long time now there has not been a need for any court and I did not want to 'rock the boat' and make him angry because this is the result.
My child is in such emotional distress right now because of it.

Thank you @Brollywasntneededafterall I will have a look at that website and see if the info would apply. We are in Wales if that matters. I think I will take that information to the school anyway, as we have another meeting planned now things have escalated.

@FleasInMyKnees A restraining order (type) thing would be good, but I don't know how I would get started on something like that.

@Cottonheadedninymuggins The thought of moving schools has been crossing my mind but like you say, it's their GCSE year so not really easy. I am getting my child a new phone number now so he cannot use other people's or new numbers to contact them, but I don't even know if I can legally do this.

And he knows our address but I don't even have a clue where he lives as he has always refused to tell me!

The Gingerbread helpline should be able to advise you or point you in the right direction.

National domestic violence helpline can give advice on various orders and help applying for them. Ongoing emotional abuse and harassment comes under DV.

I'd say this was child abuse and contact SS. This could lead to a Protected steps order to ban contact. I'd also discuss the school's failure to protect your son from unwanted contact.

What kind of school is it? i.e.state/ independent, academy etc. The rules are different for each on giving parents' information.

@Mia85 it is a Catholic school so independent I suppose. I'm not to sure about the school system here because I am not originally from the UK.

Under GDPR, a child over the age of 13 can take control of their personal information and restrict access to it. However, this does not apply to the child's educational record.

The school is correct that information about events is not personal information so doesn't fall under GDPR and they are required to share it with both parents. Indeed, even if he didn't have PR he would be entitled to this information. The only way to legally stop him getting information about events would be to get a court order.

Thank you @prh47bridge that is the information I found as well which is what is worrying my child. I do think it is different that events that are 'invitation only' for parents which might be public information, he is currently on the parent mailing list for. Neither of us care if he has the information so much rather than we do not want him to use it turn up and harass my child when they do not wish to have contact with him.
Do you know what court order we would need? Like a non-molestation order or prohibited steps order?

A prohibited steps order would address both the issue of attending events, and access to information but I don't know if a court will make an order for a child over 16 ? At 16 they can exert their own rights or at least I thought they could?

At 16 your DS is still legally a child entitled to care and support under the Children Act 1989. Phone your local authority and ask to speak to a duty Social Worker, explain the situation and let them support you. Good luck OP he sounds a real charmer...!

What does the ex hope to achieve by his actions?

@Pinkyxx thanks I've spent most of today ringing various helplines suggested on here and trying to find out which legal avenues we can pursue and via the national domestic abuse helpline suggested by @RandomMess (thank you) I've been told that a non-molestation order should be possible, however my child has to apply for themselves with my support. It seems that awkward age from 16 to 18 is a legal minefield which what I can do on their behalf. I have to ring back when we are both there and will also ask about a prohibited steps order. With the non-mol although he would still get the information from the school he legally couldn't turn up without getting in trouble which would hopefully put my child more at ease.

Thanks @FrshStrt I will try the legal routes suggested to us but will keep that in mind as an option if things don't work out.

@GinIronic Who knows? He has never tried to form a meaningful relationship with my child and now is furious that they have decided they don't want anymore contact. He is obsessed with how he is perceived though, and will come across as completely sane and hard-done-by to other people. He is never to blame for anything in his life. I'm sure there is a word for such a person.

Thank goodness your DC can apply for a non-mol order.

@CinderellaLostHerShoe I suggest the prohibited steps order as this was what a lawyer suggested to me to solve an issue with my DD's father and his ''expectations'' vis-a-vis school. Different situation and my DD is under 16 but I guess the benefit would be the same.

To apply for the PSO you need to complete a form C100

www.gov.uk/government/publications/form-c100-application-under-the-children-act-1989-for-a-child-arrangements-prohibited-steps-specific-issue-section-8-order-or-to-vary-or-discharge

There's some really good advice here too. They have a legal helpline, which I've used and got some really helpful advice in the past. childlawadvice.org.uk/family/

I feel for you, I know only too well how hard it is when this kind of issue exists between Father and child. It's so destructive. Parents who act like this should have NO RIGHTS.

Speak to the police about getting a non molestation order.

It can include people you are no longer in a relationship with but who have PR for your child.

It can prohibit them from having contact with you or any children, but usually only lasts for 6 months at a time.

If you email your local police force on their 101 contact email someone will get back to you and means you can set out your 'case' in your own time rather than in a hurry over the phone.