Stopping contact because of ex’s suicidal gf

[BiscuitLemon]

I’m in a difficult situation and would appreciate any advice.

I am in the process of divorcing the father of my 2 children (aged 7 &8). Since I instigated proceedings he has been very difficult.

He met a woman online and moved into a new flat with her. Since the start she has been causing a lot of issues, contacting me and having big rows with him, moving in and moving out, messaging me that he’s dreadful etc. I think they both drink heavily together and wind each other up. He has also taken up smoking and has been gambling and other destructive behaviours.

I have let a lot of it go because I wanted the split initially and felt guilty to some extent for breaking up our family. But there have been some issues regarding care of the children that have worried me. I have tried to discuss this with him (he will only communicate with me via email) with little success. However I have never stopped him seeing the children (he doesn’t want them much, has only asked for Sundays 10am-7pm about 3 times per month).

I feel like he has changed completely and is unrecognisable from the person I knew. I’m also worried he might lose his job (senior medical professional) because of his erratic behaviour.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I was away with my children and received a call from my neighbour that lots of police cars and ambulances turned up at my house because they’d received a report of someone ‘stabbing themselves’. It transpired that this woman my ex husband is seeing cut her wrists with a knife and was later found wandering on the high street by the police. Don’t think the wounds were serious. Someone had dialled 999 from his mobile and when the police tried to call back by tracing the phone, it was still registered to my address.

I emailed my ex husband just asking what was going on and saying I’m worried about the children being around her because she seems unstable. Next thing I am receiving messages from her saying that she is going to contact social services because I said she is a danger to children. My ex husband later confirmed that she did in fact call social services, so I don’t know what she said about me or if there is now a record about me!

Now I feel uncomfortable about my children being around her because she just seems completely unhinged.

I obviously don’t want to stop them seeing their dad (and he’s threatened to take me to court if I do) but he won’t guarantee that they won’t be around her, even for their short contact. He told the court during financial proceedings that they are not living together anymore (although I suspect this may be so he gets more in the financial settlement). So it shouldn’t be an issue for her not to be there for three sundays a month.

What would be the best thing to do and where would I stand legally if I stopped contact until he could reassure me the children were safe. If it went to court would it be likely a judge would say they had to go, even if she was there?

I don’t know how this stands legally but I would withhold contact but contact a lawyer straight away to sort out mediation and a court date and say that you would like supervised contact due to the girlfriends unstable condition and that you’re worried about what your could witness. I think this shows you’re not trying to block contact but that it’s not a safe environment.

Thanks @User135792468. That sounds really sensible. It will be frustrating to have to pay even more in legal fees, as sorting the finances is costing a fortune. But I know I have to be careful not to appear to be blocking contact.

Putting aide the legalities, your responsibility is to safeguard your children. If I were you I'd be asking for him for his assurances that he will see the children when she is not present and commit to never leaving them in her care. This isn't blocking contact, it's ensuring the children are safe during contact. The court would be more concerned if you didn't address this as it could be perceived as failing to safeguard the children. If he isn't open to seeing them alone, this could be discussed in mediation which is needed before you can apply to court anyway.

I'm doubtful the court would supervise his access unless there are concerns around his parenting, but they would expect both parents to act protectively.

You may want to call the NSPCC and talk it through with them for advice. I've found them very helpful myself. You can talk anonymously if you want.

Have the children told you anything to make you worry about contact with her? parents make suicide attempts but are still allowed to be with their children and this doesn't seem as heavy as that and the children were with you at the time anyway.

The legal position is that, in general, a parent cannot control who their children see while they are with the other parent. You would only be able to enforce a ban on contact with your ex's girlfriend if you could convince the court that she would be a safeguarding risk to your children.

Thank you for these replies.

@RedHelenB my issue isn’t the suicide attempt per se. It’s how it fits into the wider picture. If she was suffering from depression and had done it, and had gone to hospital for treatment then it would be none of my business and I wouldn’t even have known about it. But I think it happened during a row and I think they were probably drunk. When they called the police/ambulance they hung up and wouldn’t cooperate when called back, which ended up with several police cars and ambulances turning up to my house. Every time they argue she starts calling and messaging everyone. It’s the lack of self-control that makes me worry about the children. What if they are drinking or rowing in front of the children in the future? I don’t want my children exposed to this, that’s partly why I left him in the first place.

If a parent is suicidal then it’s a difficult situation that has to be carefully managed. If it’s the girlfriend who doesn’t live with him, why even risk it?

Both of them just have a complete lack of judgement. For example, they were trying to get her pregnant while he was still living with me and we were working on our marriage. After she got pregnant, they had a row and she had a termination. Then she phoned me to tell me all about it.

I’ve never had issues like this in my life before. I don’t know anyone who does things like this. So I don’t know how to deal with it.

I feel like I don’t want my children anywhere near her, but maybe my bar is higher than a court’s would be for what constitutes a safeguarding risk to children.

Just out of interest, why does she have your phone number? Block her, and if she calls from your ex's phone, just hang up. You don't have to take part in her drama.

@Funnylittlefloozie my ex gave her my number. I blocked her on my phone eventually but he’s told her my name so she has now contacted me via Facebook messenger. I have blocked her there too now. I never reply to her messages but it doesn’t seem to deter her.