Does anyone have experience of court and arranging child contact with a shift worker

[isthataweed]

As the title says, does anyone have any experience of going to court and arranging child contact with an ex who works shifts that change constantly?

What do the court consider fair? Currently my ex sends me the dates he wants our daughter for 3 months at a time and I am struggling to agree to his demands for various reasons.

Sending the dates he wants or his rota??

If it went to court it would work around his rota but not his "wants".

Ex refuses to share his rota with me.

Sent me through his choice of dates for Sept-Nov at the end of August. Because they were sent so late I'd already got some things booked in for daughter so there were clashes. I sent back alternative dates which were refused to him either being at work or busy. We went backwards and forwards and it takes nearly 2 weeks to sort these dates out.

This happens all the time and it's stressful as me and ex don't usually communicate due to him being controlling.

Is he planning to take you to court? You would have to go to mediation first, where hopefully you could come up with a plan together with the mediator's help.

We did mediation over a year ago which didn't work as ex shouted at me throughout. Mediator signed court papers but then covid hit so they've now expired.

Ex isn't planning on taking me to court as far as I'm aware but I'm considering it as I'm fed up with the above happening every 3 months.

Think carefully about what you want to achieve from court. Taking a contact case to court is stressful and expensive and immediately ramps up the tension. It won't make him not controlling or become reasonable and even if you get an order he won't necessarily stick to it.

Pre-empt him.

Send him the dates DD is available for contact Dec- Feb end the very end of September?

I remember your last thread.

Play hard ball, just grey rock. "DD only has these dates free". Stay polite and let him take you to court if he's bothered.

Shared calendar and just full on DDs plans as they are made? He can ignore them or not but he can see them, again evidence to the court that you are sharing at the earliest opportunity DDs plans.

You can also repeat "if you shared your work rota as early as possible I do my utmost to arrange her plans when you are working".

Keep rocking, keep him informed of her plans, don't give in to his bullying.

If he doesn't want to prioritise seeing his DC over his social life there is nothing you can do.

If you drop the rope "sorry she has plans" and don't engage in negotiation although you may feel guilty as DD gets less time with him that's on him not you.

Perhaps DD actually needs protecting from a bullying father for whom she isn't a priority.

@RandomMess Thank you

Every year he will be guaranteed to not have her on my birthday or NYE or during the week during the school holidays (I work full time so childcare is left to me to sort for most of the holidays pre covid).

But he will always ask for Christmas, her birthday etc and then kick off when I say no (I'm fair but I won't agree every single year).

I'm just so tired of constantly being dictated by him.

Is there a pattern to his rota at all?

I seem to remember that this is also about him demanding X number of overnights so he doesn't have to pay more maintenance.

Preempt the birthday/Christmas thing - it's your turn to have DD/ or have DD for Christmas/Birthday/New Year.

Offer him NY every hear and get it writing that he turns it down... perhaps do them on a 3 year rota - he doesn't get to swap NY for another slot.

Surely the best interest of your DC would be to have some routine? I would probably do 2 things - work around his rota to suit your DC for 3 more months and at the same time suggest some sort of set routine for after that expires

Plenty of notice - surely he would have to request some flexibility and set shifts from his employer x

@ArnoldBee I've tried to work it out but it doesn't look like there is any kind of pattern.

@RandomMess Yes that's the one - still demanding a certain amount to ensure he pays less maintenance!

@jelly79 If I remember correctly he gets his new shifts roughy 4-6 weeks before they start each time, but will only give me daughter dates a week before they start.

@jelly79 he refuses to share his rota.

He arranges his social life, then gets rota and swaps and changes. Then expects op to let him have DD on what little free time he has left...