Rights when separating but not married - Moved from Relationships Board

[Pbelle]

Hi, I have a friend in need of advice. She and her partner are not married but have children and own a (mortgaged) house together. They seemingly have the perfect lifestyle. He runs his own business and provides for the family whilst she has been a SAHM since having the children. She has all she needs: car, phone, home etc. and he often reminds her she should be grateful for all that she is given.
The other side of the coin is that said friend is trapped in a loveless and IMO abusive relationship. She is routinely ignored and has no control over neither finances nor her own movements. He tracks everything, movements, calls... (via her phone), controls money (his company "pays" her the minimum tax free amount, but it's not enough to live on and pay all the household running costs so she has no expendable income at all and has to ask for money constantly, for example, to buy school uniform, pay dinner money, buy petrol). Her belongings regularly disappear, things like gifts from friends, books and clothes. I witness how unkind he is to her, belittling her in front of others, and undermining her waning confidence, convincing her she is wrong or cannot remember things properly, using the DC as pawns giving them expensive gifts and days out and allowing them to do things that she tries to limit. She was a confident happy person. Now she despairs how she can ever break free, feeling old and left behind, unable to go back to her career.

She has asked for my help to work out how she can leave but I have no real idea how to even start. She has been for interviews for waitressing jobs and should be working part time soon to give her the first step of independence. He tells her she has no rights at all and laughs at the suggestion that she will ever leave him because "most women would be grateful" for all that he gives her. He has done other things that are very underhand that I can't describe here. He is quite a corrupt person.

Does anyone here have any experience and suggestions, maybe having been through this? What rights does she have and where does she even begin?

As they are not married, the basic situation regarding property is that anything she owns is hers, anything he owns is his and anything in joint names is owned 50/50. Unless there is a Deed of Trust, she is likely to own 50% of the house as it is in joint names.

She may be able to get an Occupation Order to force him to move out rather than having to move out herself.

As there are children, she may be able to use TOLATA and Schedule 1 of the Children Act to stay in the house until the children are grown up.

Assuming the children live mainly with her, she will be entitled to child maintenance. She will not be entitled to any maintenance for herself.

She needs to see a solicitor.

This is such a tough read. While he isn't around can you help her set up a financial plan?

There are websites that should help her understand what level of income support she can apply for - give her an idea of what she can afford?

As he is self employed it's possible that he will 'hide' income for the child maintenance purposes.

Can you sit with her and get some legal advice? I used some free advice when leaving my husband. Many solicitors will give a 30 min consultation to understand your case and if prepared you can ask a lot of questions.

she does need legal advice to understand how she force sale of house if he doesn't co-operate and if she has any claim on the business. He pays her an income so possibly she is an employee or he has set her up as an owner to get the income?

Once she has some legal advice and sounds like she knows her rights - this could scare him into co-operating and help end the relationship or a very likely scenario is he will see what he is losing which could make his behaviour worse. He sounds controlling but once a controlling person feels they are losing control the next step can be aggression (my experience).

So can you also help her make a plan for leaving quickly. I left a nasty relationship and a friend gave me a spare key to her house for the 'just in case' and I did need it.

Lastly - does she have family? She might feel too brainwashed or just embarrassed to ask for their help but they would surely rather help then let her live this way? Loan for rental deposit? Guarantor?

Thank you for replying. @welshladywhois40 I have helped her set up a call with a solicitor, although she has no funds to pay for any advice moving forward. I'll help with what I can but DH isn't happy for us to fund much. Because she is "employed" by him (according to HMRC she is an employee on a decent wage, that she doesn't actually receive....), I doubt she'll be entitled to any benefits to speak of but it's worth exploring. Unfortunately she has no family, only a network of friends but she's too ashamed to ask for help. Problem I'm having is that every time I look at practicalities of leaving, it seems so bleak that she ends up even more despairing that she can't get out. She has a key to mine so she can come here any time if it gets nasty. He does threaten to take the children from her so she is fearful of leaving at all.
I can't fathom a way for her to leave with next to no finances to support either rent or basic living costs. If she could force the house sale (which I've read is difficult and costly), then the equity would be enough. But I'm fairly certain he'd refuse to sell up.

@prh47bridge thank you. Speaking to a solicitor this week, and googling TOLATA and Childrens Act...

Again @Pbelle my heart goes out for her to feel so trapped.

Two final thoughts - much that you write of is abusive - it's certainly financial abuse. Would she consider talking to the police? I don't know enough but the fact he pays and withholds wages? Just doesn't sound legal and I thought the new laws were just for this type of abuse?

Lastly you sound like a great friend to her. I really hope she finds a way to get away

Can your friend speak to Universal Credit and tell them and HMRC she has left her employment and why. Could you help her to get a deposit together to rent somewhere so she can actually leave and then try and sort out the other matters.

”according to HMRC she is an employee on a decent wage, that she doesn't actually receive....”

Claim for unlawful deduction from wages against the company?

Is it legal to tell HMRC she is getting a wage but not actually give it to her ? Surely he would get in trouble if they knew?