Prohibited Steps/Child Arrangement Orders

[Harley1215]

Hi everyone,

I'm wondering if anyone can help. Apologies in advance for such a long post!

Myself and my (abusive!) ex had 50/50 shared care of our two boys since he was furloughed. This was only ever a temporary arrangement made during the pandemic. I have emails stating this and that the arrangement was to be reviewed.

I informed my ex last December that I wanted the boys and I to move seventy miles away to be with my now partner (we've been together for three years and my boys adore him). In January I was served an emergency order stating that the boys could not move until a further hearing which was not until 6 months later.

The hearing took place last week and the courts decided that I am not allowed to move the children out of area or their current school and the existing arrangement should remain (alternate weeks).

I am beyond devastated. I had made it clear that should the move go ahead, the boys would see their Dad every weekend and for half of each school holiday. The school I wanted them to go to has an excellent Ofsted rating, I have more of a support network and I had a business set up in the area.

I found the courts to be really one sided during the hearing - with one member of the bench being quite nasty to me and lovely with my ex and I feel so angry that they have been able to effectively control my life and my children's when I am a good Mum and trying to improve things for us all.

I've looked into appealing the decision but not sure my appeal would be strong enough.

I've considered moving regardless (I can already feel my mental health taking a dive - I have a lot of bad memories/trauma in the area which I live and the thought of staying here and being stuck here makes me feel so depressed - it feels like being in prison).

The order is until October 2023 but I'm not sure what happens at that point. Do I have to go to court again?

Can the order be revoked if something happens in the meantime?

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'd really appreciate some advice.

If you think the order was wrongly made (on a point of law) then you have the option to appeal. Take legal advice on that. But the judgment should have set out why they made the order they did. For example why should you and the children move 70 miles and uproot your lives to live with your partner when there is perhaps a better option of your partner moving in with or to be near you?

The status quo was shared care. If you give the courts a binary choice of moving to live with you full time and changing schools to live 70 miles away, or living with their father and keeping everything they know, the option of staying put always has an advantage over a move.

Sorry but I’m glad! Why would you want to move the kids away from their dad? Very selfish and it’s good to hear courts are now more in favour of 50:50

Thank you for your very unhelpful comments. I am not stopping them from seeing their Dad. They would still see him every week. He is very abusive towards me. Oh and I want to get out of the area as I was raped by my brother. Any further comments??!!

You can appeal.

However, if you have had a 50/50 arrangement that has worked well for the children, it seems unlikely the court will agree to you taking the children so far away and changing the contact to weekends & holidays.

I think you have to try and get your head around a couple of things . Firstly the court is not particularly interested in how abusive he was to you - unless you have all (kids included) been part of a DV intervention with the abuse documented by police/social services etc . (I doubt this is the case as any perceived threat to their welfare would not have ended in him getting 50/50 care)
Secondly the court is interested solely in the children's best interests. The fact that you want to move to be with your partner is irrelevant. You are welcome to move to be with him - you just can't impose your move on the children. No matter how great your partner is. The children have a father in their lives . That trumps your partner with regard to the children.

The children are the EQUAL responsibility of both you and your ex husband.

You have no 'special ownership' of them above him and have no greater right to do as you wish with them than he does - In the EXACT same way that he is not able to move them 70 miles away and tell you that it's ok because his girlfriend is great and you can see them every fortnight...

seriously, think about how you would feel if that was 'planned' by your ex..you would do exactly as he has done and got the full weight of the law behind him to prevent such a thing.

@Harley1215

Thank you for your very unhelpful comments. I am not stopping them from seeing their Dad. They would still see him every week. He is very abusive towards me. Oh and I want to get out of the area as I was raped by my brother. Any further comments??!!

I'm really sorry you've had such a difficult time. The courts are there to consider your children's best interests, though, not yours. If it benefits them to see their father, that's what the court will decide is best.

Can you set up your business where you are?

You shouldn't have done shared care if you thought there was anyway you'd want to move so far away.

You were clearly poorly advised at the time. The courts will not disrupt something working so well for so long - a year in a child's life is a really significant amount of time.

You would be very foolish to move anyway - seriously this Nobhead will go back to court and get full residency if you do that ! You really can't take that risk.

I advise you to come to terms with it and get help for all your trauma and set up a business where you are

Unfortunately you can't have it both ways. You agree to 50/50 so can't really backtrack and say he is abusive....
Surely would make you a not so great dm to have voluntarily handed him them for 50 %of the time..?

Would you be OK if you only saw the kids EOW and half of every holiday? If not, then not sure you can really expect their dad, who previously had 50/50, to. The court usually looks at what the status quo is and avoids changing it if possible.

It's done now. The court is trying to act in your children's interests. As soon as you went with 50/50 this was the likely outcome unfortunately, as the status quo gives the children access to both parents and stability of school etc. I would think about whether you can do 50/50 a week at a time and that would mean you could travel to be with your partner every other week. You will have to be able to fund two homes between you but presumably he has his own place now?

Given your circumstances it's completely reasonable that you want to move away; you have my sympathy.

However, the courts are interested in the best interests of your children, not you.

The order just prevents you from moving the children away. If you feel that you want to move, why don't you move away alone, let the kids live with their dad, and you have them every weekend and half of every school holiday?

Unfortunately, having been through the family court myself and still ongoing - you have set the precedent with the temporary arrangement of 50/50 the court would never downgrade him to EOW or every weekend and half the holidays because this would cause disruption to the children. When things became extremely bad with my ex and we separated, there was a period of time (several months) where I would only allow supervised contact with me in the house, and I would never ever leave DD alone with him, he unfortunately got me removed from the house by Police forcing me to leave her behind as he played his woe is me father act, but what I am trying to say is I set the precedent by not allowing him to be alone with her as he was so disgusting and dangerous.. he now only has supervised contact in a contact centre once a fortnight. I am sorry for what you have been through, domestic abuse gets hugely minimised in the family court, the only instance in which contact arrangements would be greatly reduced is if he poses a threat to the children or had abused them. The court won't see it in their best interests to uproot the children from everything they know, especially if they have a good relationship with their dad. You should try and take some time to process this, I know you're devastated, but the court won't/don't care about what you want and what he wants. It's what is best for them.

The court probably also felt it is unrealistic for you to say your kids would spend every weekend with their dad. Are you really willing to sacrifice all weekends and never have a family day out apart from school holidays?