Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Legal matters

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Flip

Original poster

I'm being harassed, should I see a solicitor?

18 replies

Harassedhelp · 08/07/2021 09:56

I'm looking for some advice please.

18 months ago I was approached on Facebook by my dc sports coach to help run the club they attend. I was a sahm so agreed to help, as it would give me something to do.

What followed after this initial contract on fb, was a meeting to discuss the role I would have within the club, which I agreed to do. The coach then basically (for want of a better word) love bombed me with messages, many messages a day, mainly just friendly, not about the sport in particular, but day to day events. And to be honest, as a sahm I enjoyed receiving them! I was bored and lonely and felt like the coach needed a friend. This then lead to meet up for coffee's etc which then turned to a physical relationship after about 2 months. I'm just trying to give the facts, so I don't want to get into the rights and wrongs of my actions. This went in for about 3 months until I came to my senses and called a halt to the physical side of the relationship. He tried to manipulate me into continuing but I held firm, as I really couldn't believe what I'd done! Something totally out of character for me. He agreed that we should continue to be friends. I was feeling a bit scared of him by this point, so felt remaining friends was the best way to handle the situation.

He continued to send me messages, which I replied to sporadically. Then he started coming into my work asking if I'd seen his messages if I hadn't replied. Asking to meet up, or asking me to reply to him for example, saying he had something to tell me, but never actually telling me what it was. All a power play to try and get me to respond, which I never did. Then he would leave notes on my car, or write in the dirt of my car, or just hang around at my work! It got so bad just before Christmas that work offered to ban him from the premises.

At this point I said enough is enough. I don't want to be friends with you, please leave me alone! Since Christmas he has, every few weeks messaged me, trying to get me to tell him why it ended up like this (despite me saying many times!) he has sent me letters in the post, and saying he won't leave me alone until I answer these questions! Threatening to tell work colleges or my husband about what went on.

Unfortunately, I deleted all the messages up until a few days ago so I don't have them as evidence, but I do have colleagues who saw how he behaved before Christmas!

If you got this far, thank you! Can anyone offer any advice? Should I send a solicitors letter? Should I report him to the sports governing body? as I really feel that I was manipulated, and someone younger and more vulnerable than me could end up in the same situation.

OP posts:

tattychicken · 08/07/2021 09:59

Speak to the police. He's stalking you.

Original poster

Harassedhelp · 08/07/2021 10:10

I did consider the police, but I don't have any evidence as I deleted all the messages and notes he left me. I feel like I need a restraining order!

OP posts:

FlowersinJune · 08/07/2021 10:15

So there are legal options. You would probably be looking at a non-molestation order. You could get a solicitor to write a letter threatening to do this if he doesn't stop.

I do think you would be better telling your DH the truth though. I am not saying what this individual has done is right at all, but I wonder how much is the stress of also trying to keep from your DH. If he knew then this man would have lost his biggest source of power over you.

FlowersinJune · 08/07/2021 10:17

Police are unlikley to be interested to be honest. Will probably tell you it's a civil matter and to apply for a non-molestation order.

Original poster

Harassedhelp · 08/07/2021 10:20

Yes, I said that yesterday, I'd rather the truth come out than live with a threat hanging over me.

This person seems to think he has every right to get me to answer his 'questions' but even if I do, I'm sure there will be something else! I've honestly never met a person like this, looking back there were many red flags. I just didn't see them.

OP posts:

ImaginaryCat · 08/07/2021 10:21

I would hope the police would not dismiss this as a civil matter. There have been far too many cases where women have been murdered, and the investigation revealed that their early fears were dismissed by the police. So you absolutely should tell the police, and if they do dismiss it, then take it higher and make a complaint.

This is the point at which he needs a visit from the police telling him his behaviour is threatening and needs to stop. If he then carries on, you know you're dealing with someone very concerning.

cervixuser · 08/07/2021 10:22

@ImaginaryCat

This is the point at which he needs a visit from the police telling him his behaviour is threatening and needs to stop. If he then carries on, you know you're dealing with someone very concerning.

I absolutely second this - at the very least have a discussion with the police so that it is on record and you can get some advice.

tattychicken · 08/07/2021 10:23

Yep I disagree too, in my experience the police take stalking and harassment pretty seriously. He may have form for doing this before, it's unlikely that you're the first woman he has done this to. The police can look into his history.

Original poster

Harassedhelp · 08/07/2021 10:23

Yes, the police won't be interested, I'm happy to pay for a solicitors letter but I don't know how to go about this? I think that will frighten him tbh as he works with children, he won't want any further action that jeopardises his career

OP posts:

FlowersinJune · 08/07/2021 10:23

@Harassedhelp there will always be something else as you say. Even if you answer these questions, there will be more/clarifications.

If you get solicitors involved/court proceedings there will be official documents coming to your home, so then you are going to have the pressure of trying to hide those from your DH if he doesn't know.

FlowersinJune · 08/07/2021 10:27

To those saying police will look into this seriously. I work with many individuals who have been subject to harrasment/stalking, sadly unless there are allegations of violence, many police forces will do very little.

OP I would contact Women's Aid or the National Centre for Domestic Violence. They both have free helplines and can put you in touch with local solicitors who specialise in this type of work. Sadly, legal aid is only available where there are allegations of domestic violence so you will likely have to pay.

LongTimeMammaBear · 08/07/2021 10:27

You can certainly call and have a chat with the police to ask advice on how to get this coach to stop. Most likely reply to next message that you consider this harassment and to stop messaging you and stop writing to you. That you feel threatened and stalked by his appearing at your work, leaving notes in your car or written in the dirt on your car. Any more attempts at communication, you will go to the police to report harassment and stalking

Keep any more texts, notes etc. Anything beyond this communication by you to stop contact with you would build your case to the police

vivainsomnia · 08/07/2021 10:30

I expect he is clinging on thinking you might still come back to him.

If you take actions, he will hopefully get the message but be prepared for him to have nothing left to lose and tell your husband.

Noshowlomo · 08/07/2021 10:31

He’s stalking you now and he knows what he’s doing…
See a solicitor and report to police x

Original poster

Harassedhelp · 08/07/2021 10:31

Thank you for the replies, I feel much better having spoken to someone.

I have told him many times, that he is harassing me, and that it is illegal, and to leave me alone. In my last message to him, I said I was seeking legal advice.

I will keep everything from now on.

OP posts:

tattychicken · 08/07/2021 10:33

"To those saying police will look into this seriously. I work with many individuals who have been subject to harrasment/stalking, sadly unless there are allegations of violence, many police forces will do very little.

Snap! I currently have 3 clients who are victims of stalking/harassment, and the police have been brilliant. I guess it will depend on your local force but I would strongly recommend contacting them.

Original poster

Harassedhelp · 08/07/2021 10:37

Thank you for your Advice!

OP posts:

Realitea · 08/08/2021 21:05

You can send a cease and desist letter yourself which if he breaks you can report to the police and it will be taken very seriously
You can do this yourself and find them on Google - search cease and desist template uk

Flip