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Parents/separation/death

4 replies

buot · 23/05/2021 22:26

2014 my parents had to live separately for their own health. He was seriously ill and Mom was throwing his medication away etc Mom has mental health issues and Dad who was much older couldn't cope because of his health.

First year Dad had no interest in Mom. After that he tried to get involved out of guilt but realised he couldn't cope. Dad died end of 2019. He hadn't seen Mom for around a year before he died. She wasn't allowed near him because of her behaviour issues and he needed protecting. He always put me down as next of kin, power of attorney and executor of his will. He left me what he had. I organised and paid for his funeral but actually tried to involve my Mom in the decision making because it seemed fair and I didn't want to be cruel and thought what harm can it do now? It was decided his ashes would go in with his parents. Unfortunately I live 250 miles away and Covid hit straight after the funeral. So my Dad is still waiting on a shelf to be interred. I want to be there when it happens but because of Covid haven't felt it is a necessary journey to make. What's another few months? I was worried my Mom would go ahead without me but the funeral directors have assured me that I can only be the one they release the ashes to because I arranged and paid for the funeral. I hope they keep to their word.

Does my Mom have a legal right to Dads ashes?

They were still legally married when he died but hadn't lived together for around 5 years, he had had enough of her to be honest and was happier not feeling threatened by her.

Now she's talking about buying a plot for herself and wants him in with her. I know he wouldn't of wanted that, though it was never written down. What can I do?

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 23/05/2021 23:10

Just tell her yes that will happen. Tell her you'll make sure it does. Speak to the funeral director again to set your mind at rest...or get the ashes back to keep at home with you.

Put the ashes where he wanted.

Since your Mother has MH issues, a lie won't be a bad thing. You could just tell her you're keeping them safe to inter with her when she's gone.

buot · 23/05/2021 23:26

I think she wants a grave to go and visit. I think the staff where she lives must be sick of her keeping on about the ashes not being buried yet that they are pushing for her to get it over and done with. Buying a grave would appear to be a step closer. But I'm just not comfortable with him going in with her. I feel like I'm holding him hostage or something. I know she probably feels in limbo. We all do. But suddenly she's playing the wife card and I need to know if I have a leg to stand on. This is not how it was supposed to end. Her behaviour issues do not help and if I put him with his parents as originally agreed and she's against it she could become violent and possibly cause damage. I really don't want to be cruel but in most peoples eyes they were separated for at least 6yrs.

OP posts:
prh47bridge · 23/05/2021 23:48

As you are his executor you have the last word as to what happens with your father's ashes.

FortunesFave · 24/05/2021 03:49

Can you not just scatter them OP? Get them back, scatter them and then tell her "I couldn't bring myself to tell you Mum but they've already been scattered"

Alternative is to give her some fake ashes to bury. That might seem extreme but at least she'll be happy AND you'll be honoring your Dad.

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