Question about Child Arrangement Order

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I'm really hoping someone can help before my head explodes please! My DS has separated from his partner and they are currently sharing care of DGD approx 50/50. Things are amicable for the moment but ex can be volatile and DS thinks it would be best to have a CAO in case of any future issues.

Money is tight all round so we're aiming to do as much ourselves as possible but it's all a bit confusing. I understand he has to apply using form C100 but can't seem to clarify whether he also needs a consent order? All the info online seems to be aimed at divorcing parents so I'm not sure whether consent orders are just for divorce? There is no dispute between DS and exP about sharing care so they literally just need to formalise the existing arrangements. Hope someone can help

I’m sure someone more knowledgeable will comment but my sister wanted to formalise arrangements in the same way when she got divorced but her solicitor told her that you cannot apply for a CAO unless/until there is an actual dispute.

As your son is applying to formalise his agreement with his ex, he will need to draft a consent order setting out their agreement. There is no legal requirement to have the consent order drafted by a solicitor, but it is recommended as a solicitor should ensure that the draft order covers all relevant matters.

However, the court will only make an order if it is better for the child than not making an order at all. It is, therefore, very difficult to get an order where the parents are already in agreement. Your son should wait until there is a dispute that he and his ex cannot resolve between them.

He should document the present arrangements as much as possible. Can it be proven that the arrangement is 50/50 by reference to emails and texts? If so, that's all well and good but I've seen plenty of disputes where one parent says it's been 50/50 and the other denies that.

If it has to go to court due to a dispute the courts will generally maintain the status quo on an interim basis unless there's a good reason not to.

Waiting is exactly what he's trying to avoid, DGD sees him every day (DS and ex work opposite shifts so this works well) so the thought of not seeing her for weeks potentially while a CAO application goes through is really worrying him.

Sorry to drip feed (was hoping I wouldn't have to tell the full story) but DS is shortly going to have to report her to the police for taking out shedloads of credit in his name and the first thing she will do when the police contact her is stop him seeing DGD. It's thousands and thousands of pounds, all taken out while they were still together (but entirely without his knowledge) so a complete betrayal, there's bank accounts, credit cards, mobile contracts for phones he's never seen, loans, store cards, the lot.

He's been really unwilling to report her despite everything she's done but it's become apparent he can't possibly pay the debts (nor should he have to) and the only way to remove them from his name is report them as fraud. It's horrible all round, none of us want ex to go to prison (really hoping that doesn't happen) and I'm actually still really worried about her and how she must be feeling/coping since all this came out (she's cut all contact with us) but the only other way is for DS to pay a mountain of debt which isn't his and he simply doesn't have the money, it would take years to clear on his wage.

Before anyone asks no, we have no idea what she spent the money on. I can only think she has a gambling addiction because there's nothing to show for any of the debt. The whole thing is beyond belief and DS is devastated so not seeing his DD for weeks would just about finish him off I think, hence us trying to put something in place to stop that happening. No idea what to do now, it's like catch 22.

Oh man. Just as a heads up, that’s likely to be a horrendous process if my experience of it is anything to go by - my mum did the same. Some of the debt was taken out before I was 18 so that got wiped okay, but some companies were less than willing to help, and the police decided it wasn’t in the public’s interest to prosecute. They referred to ActionFraud who gave me a reference number for every single debt, over £55,000 worth in the end, but a lot of places wouldn’t accept that without a criminal conviction. It’s taken a long time to get a lot of it off my credit file, and in the end I had to pay some of it to stop it from preventing me getting a mortgage.

I hope that it’s much easier for him, but I’d prepare for the worst.

With regards to the consent order, prh47 and everyone else is correct. He could try to present her with a consent order anyway but that seems likely to make her suspicious; given she knows what she’s done... the court will only make the order if it’s preferable to not having one at all; so until there’s a dispute, it’s not likely to go anywhere.

He should collect any and all evidence of the current arrangements so he’s got it ready to go; though.

Best of luck to him.

His ex won't be going to prison.

The police are hopeless. They will say it's a civil matter. I gave them so much evidence about my ex that inspector gadget could have solved the crimes.

I wouldn't even bother reporting it if it's for a few thousand as it may spiral out of control and your son might find himself at the end of a very toxic ex and all the disaster that follows when going through family court.

I would do everything to get a 50/50 drawn up without involving outside organisations as it could get nasty. If your son's ex is prepared to commit financial abuse then she probably wont hold any punches.

Ex is happy to sign a parenting agreement and would have been happy to formalise that by signing a consent order for a CAO if that was possible without there being a dispute which is why it's so frustrating that it seems that's not an option. Once there is a dispute she will sign nothing

Paying the debts really isn't an option, it's about £30k now and we're still unearthing more. DS works full time but his income is fairly low and it would cripple him for years. I'm going to have to break it to him that he will have to report her and let her withhold contact with DGD for weeks on end while he sorts the CAO I think and take our chances that we can get at least some of the debt removed from his name.

There doesn't seem to be a good option here really but think that's the best of a bad bunch. Is there anywhere anyone knows to where we can go for more advice? Could a solicitor actually help or would that just be a waste of money? Just seems so unfair that DS is left to pick up the pieces

There’s a very real chance that he’ll report her and nothing will happen. The police didn’t even visit my mum until 8 months down the line, she was never arrested and prison was never a threat. They may very well refer him to action fraud and do little else, so you might both be worrying a lot over something that won’t happen.

It’s not great from the debt point of view, it’s been a constant thorn in my side for the past 12 years, but it may very well not lead to anything bad relating to his contact.

If she’d happily sign a consent order now, get something between them written and signed, and if it becomes an issue down the line, it’ll help the court to establish the status quo and it should speed up things being sorted out.

But honestly, she might not even know she’s been reported.

Sign her up to the parenting agreement. That will be almost as good as a court order if she stops contact and he has to take her to court.

Yeah, agreed. It sounds horribly manipulative but get the order agreed then try and get the money refunded. I can't imagine that money is going to be reimbursed any time soon anyway sadly.

I would be careful if she is the kind of person to be taking out mobile phone contracts in someone elses name. She sounds really dodgy!

I would try and get some agreement ASAP.

Those last two replies have made me feel a million times better about the whole thing so thank you. I've accepted that the debt may linger and we'll have to just wade through that as best we can, it's not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things.

And I've realised that having to take the ex back to court if she broke an existing CAO would probably take close on as long as starting the process from scratch so the parenting agreement will do the job for now. I'm thinking we'll just report all the frauds to Actionfraud and not bother with the police unless any of the creditors insist on it. No one really wants her to get into trouble if it can be avoided anyway tbh, I wish she'd let us help her as well but she won't speak to us.

This thread has peeled me off the ceiling and back to some kind of logical approach so thank you all for taking the time to reply, it's greatly appreciated

Sorry crossposted with you Skeptadad, if I even began to tell you the stuff we've uncovered you wouldn't believe me! I thought we were fairly close but I don't think we knew her at all now, I'm not even sure DS did.

Haha, after the year I have had there isn't much that would surprise me!

It's a nice reflection on your family wanting to see the best in your son's ex and the fact you still want to help. I suspect you would be wasting your time but it's a nice thought!

Best of luck to you and your son - you are doing the right thing prioritizing your grandchild. It's just a tricky bind when it's such a large amount of money. It's not nice when bad things happen to nice families. That's life I suppose.

That's kind of you to say Skeptadad, I just can't help thinking that it must feel as though her world has imploded too, I don't know if she has any support (her family seem a bit chaotic) and no one should have to face that alone, even if it is their own doing It sounds like you've been through the mill yourself, I hope things are improving for you now