Ex threatening to take me to court - can he get sole residency of our child?

[Bigbubbles100]

I have been split from ex for almost 6 years. Our son is 8 years old.

Son has always lived with me and has always gone to his dad for most weekends and half the holidays. I have never stopped him seeing our son.

His dad has a history of harassment against me and I have reported this to the police. He tries to be controlling and is a very narcissistic person.
I ended up getting a priority move through my housing association to move to a new house which he doesn't know the address of.

This didn't work as he went to visit the new school and our son showed him where we live.

I've been in this new house for three weeks and while I ordered a new bed for our son and flooring etc, the person who was meant to be delivering this, has taken a month to arrange and to this date has only carpeted the stairs and bedrooms so my son has been sleeping on a new mattress until the bed arrives or my refund so I can buy another one.

This morning, I woke up to a delivery of a bed, and his dad saying that he isn't going to send the £127 child maintenance for May as he bought the bed. He then said he's taking me to court and is implying I'm a crap mother.

I have always worked and provided for my child, I rent alone, I manage school runs, my son is healthy, clever, happy and loved. Despite this, I am worried that his dad will be able to get sole custody of our son.

I have no idea where I stand. I'm worried about being able to pay the court/solicitor fees. I 100% believe my son is better off in my care and seeing his dad at weekends as has been the case for the last five years.

His dad has moved into his girlfriends house, they have been together around two years and are getting married, they have 1 child together and she has two from past relationship. He has a job as a food delivery driver. Not sure if relevant!

I'm worried that if our son goes there for the weekend as usual, then he won't send him back to me and police won't be able to do anything as he is on the birth certificate - is this the case?

Can someone please let me know what I can expect with being taken to court and if he has a chance of having sole custody of our son?

Thanks!

I’m not in UK but there would have to be very serious issues to give sole custody to father. Try to get some free or cheap legal advice before you send your son there and make sure you have texted him saying what time you expect him back so there’s a trail of communication. I’m going through something similar but I’m in Australia. I got a cheap appointment at a community legal centre that was extremely helpful and made me feel so much more confident about my position. Make note of all the trouble he causes for future reference

no they wont take the child off you. Youve been main carer with no issues and youve been fine with enabling regular contact even more than you would be legally obliged to. They would not see it as in childs best interests to move him. Maybe ask him if he is suggesting that they do all the weekdays and schoolruns so you can have weekends instead, because im pretty sure he hasnt thought this through

He stands about 0% of getting sole custody.

A child who is loved, fed and cared for can sleep on a mattress for a few nights, SS are not going to be bothered about that.

What he doesn't realise is that he is being a crap dad by not paying maintenance.

Even if he did manage to get you into court your son has a choice too.

And you need to contact your son's school.

Also wanted to add that my ex had my son most weekends and would be annoyed if I changed things too much and it’s really not fair if the father gets all the free time to relax on the weekend while you do all the work through the week. Maybe take this as an opportunity to make things more fair and get every second weekend with your child if that’s what you would like

Chances are a judge won't change the current arrangement (let alone sole residence) and he might be doing you a favour by taking this to court. You can then agree a contact arrangement that will then be court ordered so he has to adhere to this. A judge will be well aware that your ex is being a controlling shit and they see this sort of thing all the time. You can represent yourself and the judge will walk you through what's needed. There's no need to spend £££s on this. Have you got his abusive behaviour logged with the police? If not start to.

As for child maint, I suggest you get this set up vis the cms so he can't wiggle out of it either.

There is 0 chance of him getting sole residency.

I wouldnt rise to it, Id say cheers for sorting the bed, cancel the other one, and dont rise to his bait.

If your sons father pays for his bed, thats normal, it doesnt make you a crap parent. Its hardly anything for him to lord over you about

My son slept on an OLD mattress on the floor for a month whilst we waited for his new bed to be delivered when we moved house. (we moved March 2020!). Social Services won't be at all concerned.

At most they might do 50:50

Firstly, sleeping on a mattress isn't in itself a welfare issue so ignore that.
Secondly - did you accept delivery? If so, do you have maintenance set out through CMS or privately? If through CMS he can't just decide not to pay. If it's private, well, keep the refund from the other bed and call that maintenance. It's controlling and unfair but not a lot you can do.
Thirdly, yes, in theory he could refuse to return your son. If that happened you would need to get an emergency court hearing and hopefully would get him back then.
Fourthly, the court would be unlikely to change his living arrangements especially when there is no clear reason to do so.

Apply for the child maintenance through the CMS service, he does not get to decide what you spend it on.

As you have a history of DV you might qualify for legal aid: www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Very unlikely he would get any more contact than he already has. In fact you are under no obligation to let him have every weekend, both parents are entitled to weekend and holiday time with their child. Quite likely he will lose contact time if he pursues this.

There's no chance he'll be awarded sole custody OP.

Thank you all! I feel a lot better after reading this and doing some more research. I spoke to CMA and they have said that he cannot withhold payment. I have also requested collect and pay so that he cannot try to use this as a controlling tactic.

I won't stop him seeing our son on the weekend, and will apply for the emergency court order if he tries to keep hold of him.

While typing this I got a call from his girlfriend saying he isn't pursuing court, he's being stupid basically and she isn't trying to take on another child full time. She's also ordering a collection of the bed!

I am going to apply for a residency order just in case so that we have our current arrangement in writing.

Thanks again everyone!

I'd say now was the time to do all this.

Well done on the cms, I did this with my ex after he started to mess me about. So much easier now.

And yes to a residency order, I'd also potentially go as far as taking it to court to firm up the contact arrangements, again another way to stop him messing you and your dc around

That's good news!
In respect of the residence order - such a thing is no longer used in England (if that's where you are) it's called a child arrangements order and probably not worth you pursuing if everything is working more or less as it should. You can't go straight to court anyway you have to have a mediation meeting first to see if court can be avoided. It's also adversarial and likely to piss him off so bear that in mind. If you can let sleeping dogs lie then do - you may not be approved by the mediator to apply to court and if you do, you may not get an order. Courts always try not to award orders if they possibly can. It's a principle of family law called the no order principle.

It sounds like you have an ally in the girlfriend. Kids benefit from having two parents (having a good stepparent too), courts would never grant sole custody