Father threatening legal action

[RayChi6]

Hello.

I hope someone is able to offer me some advice or support.

Just to give you a bit of background, the father of my child left us under upsetting circumstances due to his behaviour when my son was 2. Tragically, there was an incident with his new male partner when my son was 3. (He was physically and psychologically harmed.) I sought the help of social services and the police and the situation was dealt with. (Albeit not in a particularly effective way in my opinion.) I felt I had to apply for residency as my ex wanted full custody. I felt strongly that he was unable to care for the well-being of our son. After a year long court battle, I was awarded residency.

I agreed he could have access provided he observe a number of safety restrictions. This has worked ok for the last 9 years and trust has slowly rebuilt. My son has a good relationship with his father, although I don't feel he is a pleasant man and he can sometimes be quite cruel. My son is aware of this personality trait and although it upsets him at times, he seems to accept it as part of who he is.

Over the years, on and off, my son has said he wants to live with his father and new husband. He has a good relationship with both of them and understandably he wants to spend time with them. He has explained it as him having lived with me for a certain amount of years and now he wants to spend an equal amount of years with his father. It makes complete sense in his mind and I can see how.

However, I am not prepared to hand over our son to a man who I do not believe capable of parenting. There is no effort that I wouldn't go to for our son. He has additional needs and I have fought hard to get him the help and support that he needs. I have also organised personal counselling and play therapy to ensure he is as well-adjusted as possible. His father at worst has not been on board with any of that and at best has been disinterested.

A phonecall from his father a few weeks ago revealed that he wants our son to go to live with he and his husband. He is threatening court action. He has spoken with our son in the past about him moving in with them and I am worried he is doing it again. It terrifies me.

What I am worried about is that my son wants to go to live with them and if his dad suggests it, he will jump at the chance.

If I have understood the residency order correctly, legally he can stay with me until he is 14, but after that point he is free to decide.

I'll be honest, I can't bear to lose my beautiful son. I adore him and I have invested so much of my time, energy and love into him. I fear for his safety with his father. I want to protect him.

I am not sure if my son fully remembers what happened to him or indeed his father's part in covering up the situation and placing the blame onto me. He was absolutely vile to me during that time and my son has no idea. Part of me feels that he should know just how terrible his father was, but I know how damaging that would be for him. It could possibly re-traumatise him. Obviously, I want to avoid that at all costs. However...if he doesn't understand why it's safer for him to reside with me than with his father then what is stopping him from wanting to live with him? He is now nearly 12. The courts may take in board his opinion now.

He is due to visit at the end of May for a week. I am petrified he will not want to return. My husband has said we can drive over to collect him, and I know I can alert the police for their support if need be...but obviously I am hoping it won't come to that.

What will happen if this goes back to court? I have been told by a solicitor friend that it is unlikely a judge would overrule a previous judge's decision, but what if the judge rules that our son should live with his father? I know I can appeal...which I would...but what if my point of view is not taken into account? This man emotionally abused me for years and I feel he is putting that fear into me again.

I just need some advice from anyone who has been in a similar position.

Thank you so much.

I actually feel that you are being controlling and wish to hang on tightly to your son for your own sake.

If things have been ok for 9 years how is an incident from so many years ago still relevant? You say is was 'dealt with' in an ineffective way but really, that seems to infer to me that you weren't satisfied with how others judged the situation.

I get that it is hard and you don't want to 'share'. If your son wants to live with his father, this isn't going to go away and 'proving' to him why he shouldn't will more than likely backfire on you. Bringing up worms is bizarre and gives another layer to your post. You need to play the long game here, your current mindset and need to control won't get you anywhere

Sorry I didn't explain about my son's additional needs. He has ADHD and dyspraxia and mild autistic traits. The main diagnosis is ADHD though. The tics had me concerned it may have been the beginnings of Tourettes, but I understand that ADHD can cause verbal and motor tics also. He struggles with emotional regulation (as most kids do) but his reactions are intense, explosive and hard for him to recover from.

His dad has always denied there has been any issue. He too has similar symptoms though. Maybe he feels that to admit there may be issues with our son means he needs to consider there may be issues with him? My main concern has always been the blockages our son's issues cause him. To friendships, learning at school. The important things.

I just feel that any loving parent would want to do everything in their power to give their child the best shot in life. Surely? By denying there's an issue, you're blocking potential help... surely?

I am just so worried that his dad is going to put ideas in his head about how wonderful it would be for them all to live together. My son has referred to their house as 'our house' (as in, he belongs to their house) for a few years now and when I first heard him say that, that really shocked me. I didn't let on that it had upset me though. I think I would rather him view his dad's house as just that rather than his home too...although I understand, in an ideal world, I wouldn't be triggered and could feel comfortable with him having '2 homes'. his dad is Right here and you are wrong.

If his father has encouraged him to think of his house as DS’ home as well then that is the absolutely correct way to go, and you thinking he should just think of it as “his dad’s house” rather than his home too indicates to me that you are being somewhat controlling here.

I understand that things may have been difficult for you 9 years ago but truth is that you’ve all moe on from that. And if SS didn’t seem that concerned then given your comment quoted above I wonder whether it was really something that bad or whether in fact you have painted it as bad in your head to convince yourself that your DS is yours and yours alone.

If there is a genuine issue from all those years ago, then telling him that now is only going to make you look like a bitter parent wanting to diss courage a relationship between your son and his father at a time when you know he wants to consider going to live there. There may be a time for him to know about the past but now is not it.

TBH I would seek some legal advice, but I would also be prepared for the possibility that the courts will take his wishes into account and may well decide he can live with his father.

The issue in question which occurred 9 years ago was neglect, physical and quite possibly sexual abuse at the hands of his previous male partner. It came to my attention as a slow dawning of realisation that something wasn't quite right. The male partner was very charming and 'won me over'. Looking back the 'interview' I gave him before I would allow him to spend any time with our son had him on his best behaviour. He was training to be a teacher at the time. Sadly my ex saw fit to introduce our son to him before the mutually agreed time frame had passed. I wanted to see if their relationship was serious enough to warrant introductions. I didn't want our child to be confused further than he already was. My ex piled lies on top of lies to cover his tracks to the extent that his phone screensaver of his boyfriend with our son sitting on his lap was apparently him and not his boyfriend. He was gaslighting me...as he had for many years previously. Making me question my own reality. Conversations we had. Time passed. I forgave. My son continued to spend every other weekend with them. However, when he returned from visits, he was so aggressive. It was really upsetting to witness. I noticed some of his possessions had been chewed by the male partner's dog. That too was denied and explained away as having happened via some other instance. The when my son started to verbalise particular things like, " 'boyfriend' had a bath with me", 'They went out and I was just with the dog' (It transpired they had gone to see a film and left our son alone in the flat with the dog. He was 3.) The breaking point for me was when our son came home to me with bruises on him. They were explained away as an 'accident'. 'He slipped and fell in the bath'. Alarm bells were ringing. I stopped access and alerted Social Services. An investigation was put into motion. Sadly ex decided it would be best to pass the blame for everything over to me. Some of the accusations were so horrific and inaccurate it was really disturbing. This was the man I thought I knew, loved and was going to spend the rest of my life with. It was like he was a completely different person. He had lied and hidden an entire side to him all through our relationship. He had been seeing multiple men behind my back, bringing them back to the house while me and our son were asleep upstairs. He had given me a nasty infection which required strong antibiotics. He had been gradually more and more controlling and manipulative over the years to the point where I had lost my sense of worth. I felt like nothing. It was the darkest point in my life...

Social Services unfortunately weren't able to take a balanced view of the situation and it felt very much as though they were supporting my ex rather than me.

I became so low I honestly believed I had failed my son by trusting this male partner. I could no longer trust my judgement. I convinced myself that he would be better off with out me. I had a complete breakdown and attempted to take my own life. Sadly, all this showed the authorities (understandably) was that neither parent was capable of looking after our son. I had to work incredibly hard to drag myself back up and start fighting again. I did absolutely everything in my power to get myself well. My son remained in my care. I sought counselling, medication, attended church regularly with my son and relied on a strong support network of friends and family. It worked. I rebuilt stronger and managed to come through the other side.

However, I worry that my ex will see fit to tell our son about my suicide attempt and what effect that may have on him. I don't feel it would be in his best interests to know that. Just as I feel it isn't in his best interests to have the past dragged back up again. He had nightmares for years after the incidents with the male partner. I do not want to put him through that again.

I've really opened my heart up on here and I feel quite vulnerable in doing so. Sadly no don't have the support of family. My brother has passed and so has my dad. My mum is elderly and I don't want to burden her with this. I do have the support of my partner which I am so grateful for, but I just needed advice and support from people who are parents and have been through something similar. Thank you.

@olivesnutsandcheeseplease

Tell your DS what happened and show him the documents to prove it and why. Say you'd consider him moving for college if he wants to but he needs to stay at his school until the end of year 11. Talk about it all in context of his best interests.

I've had experience of a child moving to the other parent when it was not in their best interests and where the other parent conveniently denied and twisted the story to persuade the child to do so.

With hindsight telling the child alongside irrefutable proof would have been better and also no longer keeping it from them in order to protect them. Basically it gives the other parent time and space to work on denying or minimising it to their advantage.
Ask yourself this, is it in your DS's best interests to be uprooted and change schools? If the answer is no then you know that the other parent is not putting the child's interests first because if they were then they wouldn't encourage them to move in the first place. They are just thinking if their own needs.
Boys often want more contact with fathers and father figures as they get older. Your Ds could manage the underground on his own for weekends soon particularly if you do a couple of dummy runs with him first, so more contact is fine but that doesn't mean he needs to leave his normal place of residence. No doubt there are certain attractions or different rules at the dad's house. I get that. Your job is to help facilitate more contact if that's what he needs whilst putting his interests first even if that means you come across as the bad guy.

I am so sorry you've had to go through this too. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you.

That’s must have been difficult to open up like that on a public forum RayChi6.

Not much to say but to offer my sympathy and support it must be a really difficult situation for you. I hope things work out for you and your son.

Did you have a Lawyer challenge Social Services conclusions?

I really appreciate that. Thank you so much X

My solicitor seemed so careful that she didn't challenge much at all to be honest with you. I wanted drug and alcohol testing and for SS to support me in supervised contact, but none of this was made possible. I felt I was fighting the perpetrator, SS and in some ways even my solicitor in the end. It may well have been tactical decision making on their part. Social Services could have been worried about possible negative comeback on challenging father's with the whole 'fathers for justice' which was at its height back then and gay rights. Don't get me wrong, I fully support father's for justice and gay rights. My battle was for the right and just protection of my son and ultimately justice for my son for the abuse and neglect he suffered. I don't feel I was supported in achieving either of those things. It was quite honestly the most painful moment of my life :-(

As an update...No news to report really. His dad hasn't spoken with him over the Zoom chats they have about the situation, which I am thankful for. Oddly enough, my son has been forgetting to show up for the Zoom chats which he arranges with his dad. I try not to interfere with these chats but I have to admit I do feel really sorry for his dad who must be missing him. I do want them to have contact and I will always facilitate that. I don't want to deter or to force the situation. It has to be a mutual decision between them doesn't it? Maybe my son is becoming more focused on his friends and school at the moment and less on family.

OP have nothing but sympathy for the horror you survived 9yrs ago and admire your strength and resiliency in rebuilding everything to where you are now. I can see how you are worried that history could repeat itself, and your desire to protect and keep your DS safe.

I would advise being cautiously optimistic though as today to very different from 9 years ago. You are stronger and healthier. Your DS is not longer a toddler unable to speak out or protect himself, but a pre-teen 12yr old. Your ex is now in a healthy relationship and as you say trust has been rebuilt and the relationship he has with your DS is good, good enough that your DS is saying he’d like to try living with your ex, his dad.

I agree with you, a complete change of residency from you to his Dads is too risky. But I do think you could settle on a compromise and avoid a court battle. There is a big difference from hosting a child for a week and them living with you. Would you consider agreeing to him spending the summer holidays with his dad? As in a month to six weeks? With proviso he can return home to yours at anytime, it’s DS decision. Call it a trial period. It is long enough that DS would start to miss you and long enough for him to get a feel as to how daily life might be living there for both DS and his dad. I think there is a good chance that your ex will start to miss his child free freedoms once the novelty wears off around week 3. There is a good chance your DS curiosity will be satisfied and he’ll settle happily back with you when next school year starts.

Just seen your update...his school friends will also be missed and pull him back to living with you. I think bending here will result in DS figuring out for himself what you already know, he’s better off with you. As our children get older, it is the case that some things they will not hear from us but have to learn for themselves in their own way. It’s part of letting go so they can learn to be independent. You are on the cusp of that transition period of adolescence.

You may need to consider changing Lawyers. The purpose of the Lawyer is to challenge and question and Social Services could check for drugs and alcohol very easily prior to contact, this happens regularly in many cases, before supervised contact, so your Lawyer is not doing enough in my opinion. You are not asking anything unreasonable.

Keep a diary of all indirect contact offered (calls etc) that ex /ds don't take up. The very fact your ex is on denial about ds's needs will go against any application he makes... My exh refused to agree ds had a diagnosis and the judge thought he was a twat.. You have been the main parent all this time - why would a judge give custody to ex? At 12, and with some SN your ds's wishes wouldn't be taken as gospel...
My ds did go nc with his df at 12 but had a list of neglect and abuse should exh have tried to get the court order restored..