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Change to longstanding contact arrangements

8 replies

Magnoliawall · 17/04/2021 15:59

DD is 10 and has been seeing her dad EOW and Wednesday night since she was 4. Contact is court ordered.

I left as it was an abusive relationship and he has used our DD and contact to continue the abuse as much as possible ever since.

DD doesn't completely refuse contact but is often reluctant. I encourage her to be positive about it (as of course she has to go even though she doesn't know about the court order).

He's remarried and has another DD who is 1. He's now asking for increased contact. He says this is so the girls can spend more time together. However, I feel it's more about reducing DD's time with me and the small amount of maintenance he pays to zero. DD is at an age where she takes much less looking after and childcare costs are much less than they used to be. I'm certain this also plays a part in increased contact suiting him now where it didn't before. His wife actually does a lot of the work. He's never been a hands on or involved dad. Even though the court order was in place, contact was patchy (due to him) until his wife was on the scene.

He isn't happy with my close relationship with DD as his isn't as close. It isn't as close as his behaviours have damaged it. He isn't an easy man to be around and can be a very angry person so she does what she can to appease him. It's not because he has less time with her, but he doesn't see that. From what I can tell, his relationship with his wife is abusive and so it's not an inviting place for a child.

DD's reluctance regarding current contact tells me she would not want it to increase. While she enjoys some time with her little half sister, there's a big age gap and so her interest is limited.

As DD is 10, am I right in thinking Cafcass would speak to her if we went to court? I don't think it's fair to do that to her and am worried about how she would deal with it. I know my exH would try to get her to say what he wants. I don't know if Cafcass would spot this, but I don't even want her to be put in that situation.

I realise no one can tell me what the outcome would be at court. My experience previously wasn't a good one. My main worry is about how my DD comes out of this and the effects on her of going through the process and of possibly being forced into contact arrangements she doesn't want.

OP posts:
Magnoliawall · 17/04/2021 16:00

I've just seen how long that post is Shock Sorry.

OP posts:
Sunflowergirl1 · 17/04/2021 17:02

I'm very much in favour of 50/50 but also it is important what she wants as well and starting that sort of arrangement at 10 might be too late.

BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 18:07

So he currently has 5/14 nights? And what's he proposing?
Is maintenance via cms?

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 17/04/2021 18:16

Your daughter does not want any more contact, in fact sounds like she would like less. Honour that and fight for her. I dont know if CAFCASS will speak to her (hopefully someone else will know) but they will speak to you and you can say you are simply reflecting her wishes and putting her first. Id be concerned that he is lining her up as a built in babysitter, keep your eye out for that in the future.

prh47bridge · 17/04/2021 20:06

The court may direct Cafcass to conduct a wishes and feelings assessment. That will involve them talking to your daughter to find out what she wants. Her views will then be taken into account in deciding what happens but that doesn't necessarily mean the court will do what she wants.

Pinkyxx · 25/04/2021 11:55

I think Cafcass only tend to get involved these days where there are safeguarding issues due to ever reducing resources..

PresentingPercy · 26/04/2021 08:30

50/50 really doesn’t suit lots of DC. Difficult for school runs etc. As child is 10, any court would take their views into account. Surely her views should be considered?

I don’t think what ex has now looks like a great victory in the past. See a solicitor and see if you can hold this position. However in my view the Wednesday needs sorting out before secondary school - it’s disruptive in the middle of the week. So I would talk to DC properly and find out what he/she wants.

PresentingPercy · 26/04/2021 08:31

Sorry: DD

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