Abusive ex trying to force me to mediation or go 50-50 custody over child maintenance

[Meeko505]

Hi

I've been divorced from my ex for about 18 months and recently started claiming CMS via the CMS because he was refusing to contribute towards school uniform for the past two school years. He is also very comfortable financially, though CMS isn't that much because he works few hours and siphons a lot into a pension. I work as much as I can minimum wage to make ends meet.

Current split is also 4-3 days a week to me, so almost 50-50 but not quite.

He's pushing for mediation, which is expensive, and I can't see the benefit in it - he wants to go to mediation to stop me claiming CMS and agree that I will ask him for money for uniform etc. and he will pay half. I don't want this; I want to reduce contact with him as much as possible, and I don't want to feel like I have to 'ask' him for money.

When I say that this won't happen, he starts going down the route of wanting to renegotiate to exactly 50-50, ie. a Week A week B system with one night a week being alternated at different houses. This a) increases contact with him, b) is confusing for the kids and c) obviously isn't something I want either.

Am not sure what to do. I don't really want to spend lots of money going to mediation with him especially when all I'm doing is claiming a statutory entitlement. He also told me he will go to court and they will tell me I have to go to mediation. I don't think this is true, but court is also stressful and expensive and not something I feel I have the spoons for right now either.

There is no police evidence of abuse but I have been working with an abuse charity for a couple of years now if that helps anything.

I honestly am just not sure what to do at this point. I almost get a panic attack every time I get an email from him and I'm close to just leaving the CMS but I'm also just fed up of feeling like he just pushes me around all the time and if I relent on this it just sets up the tone for the next ten years.

Any advice? I'm not sure whether I'm looking for advice or just to vent.

Mediation will not work if you aren’t willing to budge.

You could tell him you’ll go to mediation if he pays for you as well as himself.

He is manipulating you though and you’re right to continue with CMS.

I think there's a few different issues mixed up here.

1. CMS. If there is any imbalance in overnights then he should be paying this. He can't (via mediation or any other method) force you to ask him for cash ad hoc rather than paying this.

2. contact. He is within his rights to push for 50/50 and my view is that a court may well allow him to go for it since it is so close to that already. I'm not sure I buy your reasons for denying it either. I'm not sure why it means more contact for you, or that it will be that confusing for the kids. And the fact that you don't want to is neither here nor there.

3. mediation. He can't force you to go to mediation. You're allowed to refuse and as he was abusive I think you should avoid it. Mediation is not advised in situations where there is abuse. However if you refuse to go - he can take you to court.

How old are the kids? This may make a difference as their wants are taken into account over a certain age...

Otherwise I think keep organising child maintenance through the CMS, but prepare yourself that he might push for 50/50 care, and if you say no then he might go to court and the courts may well agree it.

P.S no court in the land is going to stop him paying CMS and they won’t give 50/50 either when it’s clear the only reason he wants it is to reduce his CMS.

@User1511

P.S no court in the land is going to stop him paying CMS and they won’t give 50/50 either when it’s clear the only reason he wants it is to reduce his CMS.

I agree no court will stop maintenance if it is due, but I completely disagree that a court won't offer him 50/50.

He's already doing almost that and I doubt he's stupid enough that he'll apply "to reduce maintenance". Lots of courts are moving towards 50/50 where possible so as long as there's no reason he can't have them I think he'd have a good case.

But we all know he wouldn’t even have them 50% of the time... ‘oh can I collect tomorrow instead?’ ‘I have an appointment, best drop them home early’. Infuriating

It’s basically 50/50 almost so I can’t see why it wouldn’t be able to change to 50/50 and you don’t seem to have a good reason against it

Mediation isn’t expensive I think it’s about £100.00. It’s pretty pointless. I think the statistics show its effective in just 10% of cases. Although I’m sure it will be a lot stressful that going to family court!

You have a status quo established where he has the kids almost half the time and I guess no harm has come to them? If does sound like he knows the CMS system well and paying a lot into a pension is the way of massively reducing the payment.

If you had a 50/50 split then that would allow you to work another day so you have more money/train? I agree the school uniform situation isn’t ideal.

I would consider 50/50 but only something like alternating weeks - which would reduce my contact with him massively and mean can kave separate clothes/uniform at both houses without having to constantly ask him to give me stuff back etc.

However, his idea for 50/50 will mean every other Monday the kids swap houses which is even more for me to keep track of and more having to see him.

He's sworn and shouted at me at handovers on numerous occasions and I'm getting to the point where just thinking about seeing him makes me panic. So I really need to sort something out that works better in the long term.

Sorry I'm still not sure I understand why alternating Mondays means more contact with him than changing over on a Tuesday or whatever? It's just moving the day rather than the amount of contact, so I don't think that argument will hold water with the courts.

Can you arrange it so every Monday (or whatever day it is) one parent sends the children to school and the other picks them up. That was there is zero contact at all. You can make sure there is everything they need at both houses so that you don't need to ask him for anything (I presume this is pretty much the case anyway as you have such an even split).

He shouldn't be increasing contact just to decrease maintenance. But equally you can't deny contact just to increase the money you get. I think because it's so close to 50/50 already the courts would likely side with him. And going to court would be very expensive.

I don't advise mediation as it is not advised for situations where there is abuse. But to be honest if you want to avoid court I suggest you agree to the 50/50 up front and suggest a system that works best for you (whether that's one week on, one week off or alternating the middle days etc).

Do it all in writing so if he turns down your proposal you have a record. That will go in your favour if he keeps threatening court (if you've offered 50/50 but he says no then it's hard to see a court siding with him).

As someone else said, the benefit is you'll have an extra day to work, which may help finances. Of course he's a dick for not helping with uniform costs.

I'm sorry this probably isn't what you wanted to hear. But unless he has been abusive to the children there is no reason he wouldn't get 50/50.

So, in a nutshell the issue is that because I buy uniform and he picks up the kids on a schoolday (Friday) and I get them back on Sunday, there is this constant drift of uniform towards his house and weekend clothes back to my house, so every week I have to collect uniform back from him - often he doesn't give it back and I have to request it, and I actually keep a tally chart on my fridge so I know how much uniform I need back from him at any point. The Monday switch just means this is more complicated for me because I think it would mean some weeks I'm due one less back and some weeks one more, and also increases contact because of this because I will have to explain to him 'yes you only gave me back one set last week but it's two this week because of this'.

I know this doesn't sound like a lot, but he has shouted at me in the street re. uniform before and I am really trying to get contact to a place where I basically never have to speak to him, because I feel like if I go on like this for much longer I will have a breakdown, haha.

Re. abuse with the kids, not sure. He did once tip the kitchen table up in anger at them and all their plates fell on the floor etc. and they were quite scared, but otherwise I don't really know what happens at his house. The other thing he does which I don't think is safe is gives my 6yo small amounts of beer and leaves the two of them (4 and 6) in a bike outside shops while he's shopping, which he might have stopped now but only after I actually called the police etc.

In terms of the uniform would Mondays not actually be easier. I.e. he picks them up on a Friday and sends them to school on a Monday wearing the same set they came home in.

So actually you are reducing the conversations with him as it's only every other week you need a set back rather than every week? This seems like a win.

Or you could suggest one week on, one off and you both buy and maintain your own sets. Then he is responsible for his days and you are for yours which might be even better again as no need to ever discuss uniform again, and he has to pay for the sets they use on his weeks.

The uniform thing sounds like a non-starter to me, and I don't think the courts will buy that it is a reason to deny him 50/50.

If you think he is abusive towards them - that is a completely different story, but he shouldn't be having them unsupervised at all. You should be pushing for no access or only supervised access.

I would recommend getting social services involved ASAP. And contacting the courts immediately to put protections in place. In fact, if you think he is abusing the children I am horrified that you haven't done anything already.

Likewise if you think the children are unsafe you need to report to SS and start court proceedings immediately.

I have contacted SS and the police about leaving them by themselves, and both said they aren't able to do anything about it. The tipping the table over incident I spoke to my DA counsellor about but the general consensus was these things happen.

I mentioned those things to give you a picture, but I have been told again and again by people with authority that this isn't actually enough to do anything/change anything.

I have mentioned all of those incidents to solicitors in consultations and I am pretty sure the response was along the lines of 'you don't need to be a perfect parent'.