Important question for family lawyers please?

[Mama12000]

My ex who hasnt been in contact with my eldest son for 3 years is now threatening court action. He never lived with us or had much contact then suddenly stopped turning up when my son was 1. He is now 4. We hadnt heard from him since until he text the other night asking to see him and said if I dont let him he will go to court. Question is we moved away last year and he never bothered to try and find out our address or anything despite probably finding out through mutual friends we were living somewhere else. He has a one year old with his current partner. We now live 100 miles away. I know a lawyer would be able to track us down so I know it's likely I will just receive a letter but will the lawyer tell him where we are living?. He isnt on the birth certificate. I'm worried she or he will tell him our address and he will suddenly turn up at the door or something . I'm open to contact happening for my sons sake but I feel like it should only be if his dads serious about it and we should do it properly through the courts. I wouldn't like the thought of a lawyer finding us and telling him our address as he was quite controlling and I wouldn't be surprised he suddenly just wants to find out where we are living so he can turn up but not actually go through with your whole court process. Any advice would be appreciated. Worried mum here.

Bump

His lawyer is entitled to tell him where you live. Doing it properly does not mean it going through the courts. They are underfunded and overworked. If you agree in principle that he should have contact simply communicate that fact to him and set out your terms.

I'm not a legal person but I would say to him 'I'll get legal advice on the best way to arrange things and I think you should do the same', and then speak to an organisation who can help you do this with some boundaries in place.

@Collaborate it's not OP's fault the courts are busy. If she prefers to do things using the formal legal route she can. Sounds like she might need that to stop a formerly controlling partner taking advantage.

Maybe try mutually agreed contact informally OP, to start with. If it doesn't work out, then stop the contact and try the courts. As he's not on the BC, he currently has no legal PR, so you are in control of this for now. He could of course go to court to get PR, but imo, a man than disappeared for 3 years of his child's life will unlikely be arsed to go through that effort either.

Does he pay child maintenance?

The courts are not an infinite resource. For every case unnecessarily issued a more deserving case is put back. This kind of mentality is a real problem. People have a duty to try and sort it out before having the court deal with it. It should be a last resort, not the first.

@Collaboratei I appreciate your answer but sorry I disagree. As I said in my post he is a controlling person and although I think its best for my son in the long run that he has some contact with his father that doesnt take away the fact I want to deal with him in a safe manner for myself and my son and also to build up gradual contact through court as my son doesnt know him. He can't come back after 3 years with his controlling tendencies making demands and us not have any support from professionals behind us.

@Butterymuffin thank you. I was thinking of saying that.

@Shmithecat2 thanks for your reply. I was also thinking about that but at the same time hes not a very reasonable person and all he used to go on about when our son was a tiny baby was his rights. He got quite verbally abusive towards me. He wasn't willing to slowly build up to overnight etc and just demanded taking our son from a couple of months old for the full weekend so I'm reluctant to deal with him again on my own. He has been gone all this time so I'm thinking he might not bother either. Yes he pays the minimum through cms.

Well as I've said, unless he's willing to go to court, he has no PR at all, so you are in control now. And after what you've just said, I would want court to back you up too. Even at 4yo, if there has been no contact for 3 years, I wouldn't think more than a couple of hours at a time would be reasonable, then build it up, but it sounds like he's not a reasonable person if he thinks that full weekends at a couple of months old are OK for a baby (or the mother!). Tell him you're quite happy that it goes through the courts, then he can't use that as a threat.

I think @Collaborate is a legal person so her advice is probably coming from a good place and the courts are definitely overwhelmed at the moment.

I'd suggest that if you're willing to allow some form of contact that you wait for a letter (because him threatening it doesn't mean it'll come...) and get a solicitor to respond on your terms which should include a slow build up to contact and your ex should agree to if he cares about your child's well-being. If he doesn't, suggest you're happy to attend mediation in your home town to talk things through further. That can be an excellent step and you can be in separate rooms if you can't be face to face with him

I'm fairly sure @Collaborate is a he! He is a legal bod (family solicitor I believe) so does know what he's talking about.

OP If you are, in principle, happy for your son to see his father then send him a message saying that you no longer live in the area (don't have to say where you do live) but would be happy to arrange for a meet up in a neutral place (perhaps somewhere half way between each area) as a first step to him having contact. If he genuinely wants to build a relationship then he will take you up on that offer. If he just wants to make demands then he won't and you will have evidence that you were reasonable and open to them becoming better acquainted.

If it is possible that you may end up in court, at all times you want to consider that if a court were to look at your actions would they find that you have been reasonable. So if you ignored him completely or refused to make any arrangements without a court order than that would likely be seen to be unreasonable.

As I understand it, if he does go as far as making an application to court you would need to go to mediation in any event to try and come to some agreement.

Thank you everyone. I appreciate everyone's responses. I dont want to end up in court that's the last thing I want but at the same time I dont want him turning up making demands like he used to because he thinks it's all about him and his rights rather than our son. I also take on board collaborates recommendation and I do understand courts are busy. I didn't want to hear that a lawyer could tell him our address that's the only thing as I dont want any trouble from him at my door. That's not me saying a lawyer is terrible for doing that its their job and I'm not saying a father shouldnt know where his son is living but i just hoped because he wasn't on the birth certificate and hadnt been in contact for so long he wouldn't be able to find out where we were living straight away until I knew he was serious about contact.

A few of you have talked about mediation and i've also heard that can be helpful so that gives me peace of mind too.

Imo his current dp is the one suggesting this...
Suggest the way forward is for him to go via the proper channels (court) for dna testing to gain him PR... This will cost him. Do you think he will persue?
If he is serious he will need to show a judge he is committed to his dc..
Bet he fails at the first hurdle...

Ask your solicitor to give out a C/O address. At present he has no legal rights to your dc and therefore no rights to your address surely?

Do try and avoid the court route. It is long, stressful, painful and expensive. In your case it does sound unnecessary because you are not against contact in principle. Remember, if you go to court you will have an order made that imposes a set contact routine upon you which you may not like.

If he did take matters to court it may be that the court orders some supervised contact at first by way of reintroduction.

You also say you do not want him to have your address so how would contact handovers be made and who would do the travelling?

I was the victim of someone who used the family courts all the time sometimes over issues that had not even happened yet! The Judge told him he did not want to see the matter in court again.

I would take some initial paid advice op. You may be told something you do not want to hear, but at least you will know where you stand. This must have all been very unsettling for you after all this time.

Op, why don’t you talk to him? Meet him and have a conversation, access it. And if you feel he is serious, which he may well be now he has another child, then agree contact and how to build it up.

You can't mediate with someone who is abusive

I would let him issue proceedings he would need to demonstrate to the court that he is interested and committed to having contact with his child. You can't just walk back into a child's life after 3 years.

The court would initially order indirect contact only through cards, letters and then building up to phonecalls before considering direct contact.

If he obtains a solicitor it is technically possible to go through this process without court intervention but given his previous attitude I don't imagine that he will be willing to do this in a deliberate manner that is in the best interest of his DC.

I would respond and say that you are not prepared to deal with this directly and advise that he should seek legal advice.

I would then get advice from a solicitor in your area.

You can I also add that he would need to make an application for PR at the outset.

As this man has been abusive in the past and hasn't had contact for 3 years this is a case that requires delicate handling by experts.

Protect yourself 1st and foremost OP

OP, as a (nother) family lawyer, can I suggest you ignore much of the advice on here?

In particular, Court is not necessarily going to be a supportive environment for you, on the contrary, the court will take every scrap of control out of your hands.

You are this child's mother. It is your job to make these decisions, not the Court's. You are, in principle, not opposed to him having contact, so make some proposals. Start with letters, cards, and small gifts, )you will need to give him an address for this, not necessarily your own.) Then, when your child is used to the idea, direct contact can start, at a contact centre, or supported in some other way. If he can commit to that, and build a relationship with your child, then it can move to unsupported contact out and about, and, in time, staying contact.

At some point in there, you can consider a parental responsibility agreement.

Contact centres are not running now, but you can find one local to you on NACCC's website.

If he doesn't like your plans, then he can issue, but you must not just tell him he must do so.

Good luck.