50/50 child arrangements for toddler

[Dowhatyoudowell]

A friend is going through the family court to determine the child arrangement order with her emotionally abusive/coercive control ex-partner.

She tells me that he wants 50/50 with their 2 year old DD, and that the court is not interested in the abuse that she suffered (she has solid evidence in texts, recordings, emails, witnesses). The social worker tells her he will likely get 50/50, as does her legal team.

I simply cannot understand how a court would subject a 2yo toddler to 50/50?
My own parents amicably separated when I was 6yo and decided 50/50 themselves and while it was a novelty at first, I grew to hate it. I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Having my own young DC now, they need stability - not being shunted from one house to the other with the DF verbally abusing her DM at pick-up/drop-off as he always does.

I’m probably out of touch with the times but I just think such small children need more day-to-day stability. Whatever happened to the nrp having DC EOW and a night during the week?

The court will act in the child's interests and that is normally judged to be equal access to both parents.

If he had abused his child, that would be different, but failed relations between parents don't mean he will be a bad dad.

Your friend may find that he gets bored very quickly with having to reorganize his life to care for a toddler half the time, so things may resolve themselves over time. That's what happened with my ex. He gave up arguing when he couldn't get a babysitter on a Friday night.

@Mintjulia that sounds positive for your situation. I hope it’s similar for my friend as I could easily see him starting to fill their DD’s head with hatred against her mum as she gets older.

It seems like the wants of the parents override the child somehow with 50/50 at 2yo. In an ideal world both parents should see the child daily or 50/50 etc, but what about the effect on the child?

Oh well - I’m sure most will think I’m a dinosaur for such opinions!

50/50 can be great for some kids. Don't let your experience taint your view of all 50/50 arrangements.

I don’t understand this.

It’s good for children to have a well developed relationship with both parents. 50/50 makes that so much easier. Not just spending the weekend with one parent or the holidays but a mixture of weekdays and weekends etc.

50/50 is the way it should be barring exceptional circumstances etc

Was he abusive to the child ?

50/50 should be the norm. It was when I was a young kid and meant I developed good relationships with both of my parents.

The issue isn't 50/50 custody, it's an abusive man.
If he saw them eow and one night in the week with the DF verbally abusing her DM at pick-up/drop-off as he always does then that would also be damaging.

Whatever happened to the nrp having DC EOW and a night during the week?

Then why doesn’t the child stay with the father as the resident parent and visit the mother EOW and one night during the week? Why should the mother get more time with the children?

Whatever happened to the nrp having DC EOW and a night during the week? If DH and I split up, no way would I be happy seeing my children EOW and a few rushed hours after school once a week. Can you honestly say you'd be fine with that??

Equal time with both parents is not "the norm". There is no "normal". Sometimes 50/50 is best for the kids, sometimes it isn't. but to portray it as standard is false.

I read somewhere last week that this week/month the court of appeal is dealing with 4 cases - in which they are expected to give guidance about procedure in Children cases where DV is alleged.

50/50 is not at all the norm, especially not for very young children. Her legal team need to establish she is the primary carer, once that is established a 50/50 outcome is quite unlikely.

@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

As time goes on and society becomes more progressive, it most certainly and rightly should become the norm.

In my experience it is not the norm but seems to be heading that way. Courts need to make the best decision for the children and if she has always been the primary carer then that will be looked at. If both parents have been active in the childrens upbringing and have done 50/50 shared care prior to separation then fair enough. It's the parents that suddenly want 50/50 shared care after separation that get to me. Often this is due to financial reasons.

Of the 3 children I know in our family who had 50/50 child share split, it didn’t work out for them. In all 3 the agreement changed for them to be with one parent more/one ‘main’ home. That happened for all 3 between 10-13 years old.

Having said that I’m sure 50/50 works for some children. That’s why decisions should be based on the individual child and situation.

I think courts should be careful they give 50/50 where it is right for the child, not just because it seems “fair” for the parents.

In the situation you mention it seems wrong that the other parent, who is abusive, would get 50/50.

I'm sorry for your friend. I hope the access is sorted out, it's tough when she's been the primary carer.

I do 50/50 parenting with my ex but my 10 year old hates it. She hates going between the two houses. Doesn't know if she's coming or going. I must admit it really is difficult to get used to this way of living. I was the primary carer for much of her life. We've been doing 50/50 for almost a year now. @Dowhatyoudowell I'm interested in your experience and what happened in the end - or did you do 50/50 all through your teens?

[quote Yoshinori]@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

As time goes on and society becomes more progressive, it most certainly and rightly should become the norm.[/quote]
Out of internet why do you think it should be the norm?

Your friend should ask that the child is picked up and dropped off somewhere away from her home. Maybe contact NCDV to get an anti molestation order against him too. She needs to use every tool in her box.

I was the main carer for both of my boys. Courts went 50/50 when they were just 3 and 6. Seven years on and it's been horrendous on every level.

@mamamiaow my parents arrangement was informal and civilised so they never needed to go to court but by the time I was about 10-11 years old I was well and truly fed up of living out of a suitcase. I had no toys, books or clothes at my DF either, I have no idea why but it would have been thoughtless on his part rather than malicious.

I started making my own arrangements between my parents at about 12 years old; I spent more time at my DM’s house and much less at DF. This was because she lived closer to school and my friends, not because I didn’t like staying at DF. Neither parent objected and they must have realised that I was old enough to make my own decisions.

This was the mid 1980s, but it seems that these days courts make child arrangement orders to last until 18 which seems odd to me - a child several years younger should be more than capable of voicing their opinion on their living arrangements by then imo. Of course there are those cases where a child is being pressured or brainwashed against the other parent at the same age so it may be appropriate then that the court intervenes.

It’s an awful situation for all concerned if the custody dispute is acrimonious, so everyone will have their own opinion on who’s rights trump who’s. 50/50 can work, but it also can’t. I just think parents and the authorities need to recognise that a parent’s need to see their child should not always trump the child’s need for stability in their life.

But like I say, everyone has a different view and that’s ok! I’ve been that child living like a nomad from age 6 and it was no picnic, but then there wasn’t much choice so there is never a winner in this situation. I do however commend my parents (even though now NC) for being civilised about the whole situation and putting me first. Parents who use their child as a weapon against their ex are pure scum imo.

[quote Yoshinori]@WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo

As time goes on and society becomes more progressive, it most certainly and rightly should become the norm.[/quote]
It is not in the best interests of the child. It is disruptive and insecure for them. Young children need to form a close attachment to a primary carer. So it is not the norm and never should or will be.

My own experience and that if friends is the best contact schedules that work well and really put the children’s interests first are those where parents can co parent and put their differences aside. Where they do 50:50 has worked very well also other varying schedules.
But this relies on being flexible when needed, reliable, not fighting over petty things, and accepting that children’s needs and wishes change over time eg a teenager will likely want to come and go rather than have set schedule and toddler may get on best with set schedule
I realise this is the ideal std but really think there should be help available to help separated parents work to this outcome

Do such abusive men actually want a demanding toddler 50 % or just to exercise control and more abuse on the ex? How long will it last before he makes excuses not to have her? As hard as it is, patience can be useful... My exh got his access and the excuses started almost immediately why he couldn't have them that week end ..

@Dowhatyoudowell thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Our arrangement is civil and amicable with no court involved. We drew up a Parenting Plan which is supposed to be reviewed regularly. As I understand it, children can have more of a say on arrangements when they reach age 10-12. It's difficult to know what's for the best, it's just not how you expected life to turn out but trying to make the best of it.

Barring harm or neglect to the child, 50/50 is the best thing.

If one parent can't be civil at handovers that's going to affect the child be it weekly or EOW. In that case alternative arrangements need to to be made such as 3rd party handover, handover in a public place, etc. My BFF's was so nasty that their handovers had to take place in the lobby of the police station. And he had to sit there for 15 minutes to allow her time to arrive and to leave without him harassing her in the car park.

@AcrossthePond55 that’s awful. They shouldn’t allow contact if someone is so unsafe they can’t manage contact without having the police involved to prevent them harassing their ex.

[quote AIMD]@AcrossthePond55 that’s awful. They shouldn’t allow contact if someone is so unsafe they can’t manage contact without having the police involved to prevent them harassing their ex.[/quote]
Ah, but you see, he never harmed the child. The fact that he abused the child's mother only 'counted' as far as 'protecting' her from being alone with him.

This was back in the '80s. I hope things have improved since then.