Advice

[Poppyleaf1997]

Hey guys😬 I really need your advice on something. I’ve recently had a baby with an arsehole. My baby is coming up to 5 months old and gosh the amount of hassle I’ve had of him. Just to make you understand the situation, he has another child with his previous partner (who is a cow) I’ve had to report her in the past for harassment as she came into my work screaming and swearing (they had been split up for over a year by my knowledge) she then got all her friends to message me so I had to make a report to the police. My ex partner cheated on me with this women and I was stupid enough to accept his apology as what we had before that seemed worth fighting for (I was wrong) During our relationship he cheated on me, was emotionally, verbally and mentally abusive, during my pregnancy also. It was never great after that but it was too late and I was pregnant with my beautiful boy at the time. After the birth of my son there were a few warning signs -huffing and puffing everytime baby woke up or cried -didn’t want to help take care of him-had no common sense to what his actions would do, he grabbed my boys arms to pull him up at 1 month old (should be supporting his head) there was a time where he put his leg over him as well at one month old, causing him to cry (after I settled him) -he used to swear, shout and be aggressive infront of my son (still does it now but not as bad) -his first injections I was comforting my son and said I thought you were going to help as he said he would. He started getting angry and annoyed at me, stating that I’ve been at him since he got in (I was stressed and upset at the fact my son was hurt and upset) he then left me to take care of him on my own. Things went really bad and I couldn’t trust him with my son allow as I didn’t feel comfortable doing so...His ex partner stopped him for over a year from seeing his daughter due to him getting with me, but recently got back in contact and this is where the issues have started. He went to her house (person he cheated on me with) slating me because I didn’t want him going there (because he cheated on me with her and because she was abusive towards me and said she was looking to cause trouble) I found this out trying to arrange and sort things out so the children could meet but found that out and with my hormones all over the place I gave her a insight on what was actually going on because I was annoyed at him as he was meant to be supportive and my partner. He then started saying a lot of horrible things to me and left me to take care of our son on my own and didn’t help me at all or check on him for over a week. He saw us in town and didn’t bother saying hello to my son and then disappeared again for a while, I can’t remember for exact but I know he was still seeing him when I found out he had been inappropriate with his ex so maybe I was wrong in doing this but I stopped contact as he was making enough effort for my son, he was choosing his daughter over his young baby, on days he was meant to see him, he was seeing her instead, he increased his daughters payment and left my son out, I was angry and pissed off! I managed to get him to put the payment up to be the same but since being in contact with his ex she seems to think it’s ok to make him take me to court so he can have my nearly 5 month old on his own (to take him near her but I’ll get to that in a minute) he has allow her to use his phone to pretend to be him saying really horrible hurtful things. He was on FaceTime with his son before bed to say goodnight and that he loved him as I wanted that to be a thing so he felt loved but his stupid cow of an ex got involved started shouting and swearing whilst my son was on the camera and being inappropriate infront of my son (his dad was laughing and didn’t say stop my son is watching, he just didn’t care) i was told that he slept around our entire relationship and that he loves her and all sort of stuff infront of my son, obviously I got upset as any normal person would and I asked him to help take care of our son, his ex response was no it’s your spare time (because she wanted him to herself) he left me upset for my son to see which was unfair and I know I shouldn’t be crying infront of him but it was really hurtful (she also had the cheek to say that they were recording me) even though they were at fault. The following day I asked him to help and during trying his response was “I tried to get in her pants (meaning his ex)how about that” I stupidly let him in to help with his son but soon regretted it because he wanted to take my son out with his ex whom I’ve reported to the police and was abusive literally the night before and infront of my son!!!! he doesn’t want to help with him unless it’s just an hour, he barely helps out and says he’s busy and leave me to do everything on my own, yet making out he cares about his son when he chooses to spend the spare time with his ex instead of his baby. He has now lowered his maintenance because he has to save up for court, yet still paying his daughter the same amount so more than his son. Can he even do that? This is just a bit on the situation, it’s a lot worse than this. Please can someone give me some advice I’m barely managing to stay calm and just barley coping, it’s so unfair what he’s doing and what he is putting me through when I’ve literally just gave birth to our son. Also if I add, he has also been to prison and was sentenced to 10 years and that was for aggressive behaviour towards a person and a animal and for breaking into someone’s house and threatening them with a knife to what I’ve found out.

Keep your baby away from this abusive man. He's clearly violent and has already hurt your son. He sounds dangerous and his current/ex is unhinged. Don't let him in your home, move if you have to.
Hopefully other people on here can signpost you to specific help. Dont underestimate how dangerous this man is.

And you don't get sentenced to 10 years for being aggressive, I'll bet it's a lot worse than you've been told by him. 10 years would suggest targeted, repeated ,serious violence.

Apply to the CMS for maintenance: they’ll calculate what he should pay based on his other child and you can request the collect and pay facility. Stop his contact with your DS on the basis that he is potentially dangerous and tell him he can apply through court for supervised contact. He doesn’t sound particularly interested in being a father so it’s likely he’ll not bother. Block his phone number on your main phone. If he does take the legal route you can buy a cheap PAYG phone and use that for exchanges about DS.

Anything else is simply creating and feeding drama. You don’t need to communicate with his or his exs or have anything to do with what maintenance he pays for his other child.

Hey guys thank you for your advise, I did think that as well about the jail time but won’t know till it’s in court. He has already paid for mediation so we have that and then he is saying that he is taking me to court to have my son on his own, I do not trust him on his own with him for longer than a hour, he has suggested that he would take my son near his ex whom I’ve reported as mentioned and just recently was abusive and inappropriate infront of my son. He has lowered payment as I’m only entitled to the amount he has given the other bit was extra support as he was doing it for his daughter which he is still doing but only lowered my sons due to “I have to save up for court” which to me is wrong. It’s like one child is better than the other. He has never put a finger on me but has mentally, emotionally and verbally abused me, which is still to this day having an affect on me. As long as he gets what he wants that’s all that matter to him.

It’s all an act to make himself look good. He stated that he paid for legal advice and making out that he would stand a chance. Will the court allow my son near his ex? As she’s a big issue, reported her for harassment so that would be on fill, I also had to take time off work due to threats and only recently she was inappropriate and abusive towards me infront of my son.

Nobody can tell you whether a court would grant him access. If he has been abusive, has a criminal record, and hasn’t bothered much with DS then it’s very likely they would order supervised contact in a contact centre initially; and his ex would have nothing to do with it.

Courts look at what is best for a child, and whether or not you get on with your child’s father’s ex girlfriend isn’t a consideration. They will take a session as to whether a relationship with his father is in your son’s best interests; and, if it is, how that can be facilitated.

So even if she has previously been taking drugs, not sure about now and everything I’ve already said including being abusive and inappropriate infront of my son a few days ago, they would consider allowing her near him?

If your ex is the person you say he is, it’s very likely initial contact, if awarded at all, would be in a supervised contact centre. This gives your son’s father the opportunity to demonstrate that he is interested in a relationship with his son and that he’s committed to turning up to contact appointments. If he does, and carries on doing so, then this is ultimately a good thing for your son. The ex girlfriend is nothing to do with any of you, and I’m not sure why you’re so fixated on her.

The issue is not what this ex has said or done, it's that he, the baby's father , has hurt him.
He should not be anywhere near the baby.

Because my ex is trying to take my son near her which I don’t find to be appropriate considering the circumstances and everything that has happened, she is a threat to my son and would only say bad things about me and I don’t want to put my son in a situation like that.

No court will decide that a small baby should be removed from his mother and handed over to his absent and largely uninterested father for sole contact, even if the criminal and aggressive behaviour weren’t a factor. You don’t need to worry about that, at least not at this stage.

Tell him he can apply to court for access if he wants to see DS. If he does this - which he may well not - then work from there. Supervised contact, if granted at all, will not involve his ex. Stop the drama with her.

He has had access to his son but I’m unsure if I’m doing the right thing, it’s always been supervised as I don’t trust him alone. On the visit today he upset me again, he always says very hurtful things, I from the moment he arrived was just pretending like we were friends infront of my son because I don’t want him being around conflict, everything was ok and then all of a sudden he started being horrible again so I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I just want us to be good parents to my son, I hate him for the things he has done and would never allow him to take my son anywhere that I didn’t think would be suitable for my son. I want him to have a dad present as I never had a dad growing up but at the same time I don’t want him picking up on his bad behaviour. I really don’t know if I’m making right decisions or if I should wait for court

You need to separate him as the babys father and him as your ex. A lot seems to be overlapping, a 5 month old baby won't get a lot from facetime but it strikes me you're using this as a way to get him away from his former girlfriend. If I was writing the post the jail time would have been written first, not all the stuff about him getting it on with another woman. I wouldn't be so confident that he won't be given time alone with his son purely based on what you have written.

Because she’s a big issue and problem to my son as mentioned in previous message she was inappropriate infront of my son and no it wasn’t to get him away from her because I didn’t even know he was there till I rang. He must be a lot wiser than most babies because he definitely does understand FaceTime and loves seeing other people including my mum and family, this was simply doing him a favour so he could see his son before bed. Like I said even though he hurt me I’ve always tried to do the best for my child and been civil with him but every time he comes over he says hurtful things that don’t need to be said, I’ve always spoke about my son first. Also it’s not just another women it’s someone who has been abusive towards me who I’ve previously report for harassment, threats and coming into my work and now she’s doing it infront of my son so any normal caring loving mother would protect their child from that. Surely you understand that? I’ve had advice from people and getting things into place but I am pretty confident in advice I’ve had that I could indeed get an order in place so she isn’t allowed near my son. I’ve simply done this to see everyone’s experience if they’ve ever had any like this.

To to clarify this is his EX not his current girlfriend, but he wants to take my son near her as they have a daughter but I will not allow that to happen due to what I stated above and worried for my sons safety

She’s the big problem really. As for the father I wouldn’t trust him alone with my son because he doesn’t have his best interest at heart. At the beginning of his life he would huff and puff everytime he cried causing me to have distrust in him taking care of him so I wouldn’t want him alone with him since then and that was way before the ex thing happened, I’ve told him that I’m happy with him taking him for a 30-60 mins walk but wouldn’t trust him alone or longer that 30-60 mins alone time with him. I’m also breastfeeding so I was told the judge would take that into consideration that being told by a solicitor. I’ve never once seen him put my son first but just his needs, it was his day to see my son once and he choose to go there instead so he let him down and that has happened on numerous occasions, he doesn’t put my son first.

And with the huffing and puffing as mentioned he has been to prison for aggressive behaviour, my concern was what if it got too much for him would he take it out on my son because he was crying or too tired, he also doesn’t have any common sense when caring for my son and does things that hurts him, at the moment my main concern is my son going near someone who I’ve previously reported and knowing what she is like infront of children, I just don’t want my son being a victim of her disgusting behaviour.

From what you have said it is your ex partner who is a danger to your son. You posted that he hurt your son twice in your presence.

Forget about all the crap re his ex girlfriend etc. Focus on your son. You need to put your son first everytime and consider whether it's appropriate and safe, after what he has done to your son, to have unsupervised contact before a hearing. The answer is no.

Mediation is inappropriate for you because he has harmed your son, shouts and swears in front of him. What is there to discuss?

I’m unsure if it was intentional because like I said he doesn’t have any common sense (he never hit him, should of made myself a bit more clearer) I might be over reacting because I’m really protective over my son and he is my first so maybe it’s me in this bit but the hurting was he on a few occasions pulled my son up by the arms and didn’t protect his head at early stages of his life (around 1 month old) even after telling him he still did it a few times until I told him he would have to leave if he kept doing it as his head needs supporting and that he is hurting him (I saw marks on him the following day after this) that’s when I put my foot down. I also remember this one time where I settled the baby down and asked him to watch him so I could go the toilet, he said hurry up because he was tired even though it was me taking care of the baby and as I was getting up to go the baby started screaming when I turned round my ex’s leg was over him at 1 month old (like in a hugging way) I immediately told him to take it off and said are you stupid why would you do that and had to settle him again. My main concern was the shouting and swearing infront of him, he would see me cry because of it and would carry on, I never wanted my son to be around that or see that and this started a week into him being home, which I don’t think is fair, on numerous occasions I had to call friends and family because he was constantly shouting and upsetting me and making the baby cry because of it (all because I was asking for help) his first injections are something I would never forget (I hate seeing my baby upset and I’m sure everyone else does as well, I just wanted to take his pain away and I get really upset myself when he is hurt or upset so I would of needed him to help out a bit here but he didn’t) so when he came back that’s when my son started screaming in pain (it was horrible) instead of being supportive and trying to be calming for the baby, he was singing and being loud and I got annoyed (when someone is ill they want things to be quite especially a little baby) so that was the first thing, he agreed to help me with him but never and I had to ask him “are you going to help out because you said you were and you’re just going to sleep and leaving me to do everything again” he then got really angry and apparently I was at him since he got in (which maybe I was but I was stressed and upset at the fact the baby was upset so he should of understood that but he never) he then started shouting and swearing, saying very horrible and hurtful things making the baby start to scream and unsettled, I had to try and calm him (I’m also breastfeeding) and he made me cry from the things he was saying and how he was and to be honest the situation upset me as my son didn’t deserve that after having one of the worst things that day and the pain he was in, it should have been a calm environment but his dad never does that. There were times he would come in from work and baby was sleeping and he would start singing loudly and be loud waking him up (he just didn’t care) when he would help take care of him in the evenings or he would start crying he would huff and puff making the baby think he is doing something wrong and that’s when I started to get worried knowing his previous convictions were from aggressive behaviour so I started to think to myself what if he hurt him if he got too tired or annoyed so I from that point did everything on my own as I couldn’t trust him and wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something bad happened to my baby. Maybe he wouldn’t have but from his behaviour that’s what I was getting. Do you think I’m being a bit dramatic? I just want my son to have a happy, calm life, he doesn’t deserve to see all of that and then when his ex entered the picture again (they also have a daughter who she stopped contact for over a year due to his behaviour) so when he started seeing her again he swapped his son for his daughter on the days he was meant to see his son he wouldn’t turn up and went there instead, he then started paying his daughter more than his son, he would prioritise his daughter over his son, he spends all his time with his older daughter and doesn’t want to do the same for his son, now he wants to take my son near his ex which obviously isn’t going to happen with all the drama and issues we had previous to my pregnancy/ during and now infront of my son so that’s a big NO. There was a time where I told him to go because of his behaviour and pumped into him in town and he never once said hi to my son just completely ignored him (is that what a loving father does) Sorry forgot to mention that earlier. He on numerous occasions has said very hurtful and horrible things causing me to cry and be upset and I used to suffer pretty bad with depression but hasn’t been as bad since I had my son, but his dad isn’t really helping the situation, so he would do all of this then leave me to look after my son upset (when I didn’t want him to see me like this) he did this on numerous occasions. And also his ex doesn’t have my sons best interest at heart as long as she gets what she wants, when all of that happened infront of my son, i got very upset and asked him to come help out as I didn’t want my son seeing me upset and his ex told him that he didn’t have to go because it was his free time, which I found to be very wrong because I’m sure she wouldn't like that. The thing that worries me the most is his aggressive behaviour and just don’t want my son being left alone with him never mind with him and his ex.

It’s not drama it’s a insight on what he has done. Wow is there any need for your rudeness.

I did the clairs law and just had a phone call saying he had been arrested for sexual assault and social worker basically said I shouldn’t allow him near the baby. I think my decision is made and I’m just going to take things to court.

I think that's the right thing to do, OP.

Presumably CAFCASS will be involved and they will do a child impact report. It might be an idea to let your social worker know that you will be opposing contact and to make a comprehensive list of dates (they can be approximate) and incidents that might be relevant.