Advice about rights of wife.

[Courgettiforgetti]

Hi,
Could anybody offer some advice. I am asking on behalf of a close friend who is married to an alcoholic. She has told him that the relationship is over. More than 8 months ago. She has repeatedly asked him to leave their home.
He is verbally abusive but recently has escalated his abuse into kicking/breaking objects belonging to her in the home etc. He agrees to leave but then keeps pushing back the date of when he will eventually go.
The house is hers, he has never contributed to the mortgage but does pay a small amount of household bills.
He saves almost the entirety of his income and drinks the rest. He is very wealthy as a result and so has no financial barrier to finding a new home.
She is worried that should she change the locks and force him out that legally she would be at risk.
We are worried that should she continue to allow him to stay against her will his violence will escalate further. Can anybody advise please. Thanks very much.

It's not easy to get an abusive alcoholic to go wheb married but it is possible. He has a right to reside in the marital home whether or not it's in his name, and clearly he has no intention of leaving. So her options are to leave herself or make him go legally. Locking him out is illegal as it's his home too, but if she did change the locks and he kicked off she could call the Police, they'd arrest him, she would be able to tell them what's going on and access support more easily. This might make him go, but equally it could make him even more determined not to.

Have there been any instances when the police were called? It doesn't matter if he was charged, a record and pattern of behaviour is what is needed. Is he violent toward her? Or abusive in other ways? Are there children living there?

If she can prove she is living in fear of his behaviour, or there's emotional abusive or coercive control she could get an occupation order to remove his right to reside in the marital home. If there are children living there social services will be very interested in the impact living with this man is having on their wellbeing. They can help to get him gone.

What she needs is evidence. If she hasn't already done so she should start keeping a diary and make contact with her local council domestic abuse team and women's aid for advice and support. They can't solve the problem for her, but they can offer invaluable advice and support. She needs to take legal advice to find out what her options are.

I should add one of the hardest things about living with and ending a relationship with an addict is the emotional impact. She will be playing a part in his issues whether she wants to or not and will feel torn between her own wellbeing and feeling responsible for him. You sound like a great friend, please try to support her as much as possible by just being there and helping her find a way out of her marriage permanently

They are not married. Change the locks. Call the police each and every time he tries to get in

Ignore my stupid post above

Clearly they are married. OP says wife and that they’re married.

OP, she needs to call the police about his outbursts, she’s in danger of it escalating.

Thanks. They are married. They have children. There is definitely an element of coercive abuse emerging. I don’t know how fully she sees this but those around her do and have told her gently that we believe she needs support, to get legal advice etc. Could you advise what would constitute proof? She could keep a diary of current events could she also include past events and behaviours. Would she then take that record to a legal rep to have that used to remove him? We feel that if we can give her some hope that it can be done and how ans what steps to take she might see bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

She should take legal advice now from a family lawyer. There's a possibility that the court may make an injunction to get him out of the house.

Thanks that’s very useful.

Keeping a diary of events would be a good start, but I would urge her to report any occasion he makes her feel afraid to the Police as then they will have a log of incidents resulting from his behaviour which will add a lot of weight to what she is saying. He doesn't have to hit her for it to be abuse.
Social services will be interested in protecting the children, however their involvment is a big deal to any parent so she may not want to speak to them. They will become involved if the Police are called, might be better she doesn't know that or she'll be worried about reporting him.

Essentially what she needs is evidence to back up her claims so she can get him legally removed from the home. It can't just be her say so because it is a very serious thing to do.

You could speak to the Police or social services with your concerns if you felt able to. But she may not like that.

There's a lot of internal shame attached to being the spouse of an alcoholic, she may feel she is somehow responsible or people are judging her. But that really isn't the case, perhaps you can help her to see what she needs to do