Child sexual abuse and family court

[yosemite78]

3 years ago my son described seeing things at his dads of a sexual nature. He was 4 at the time and described ‘men putting willies in ladies faces’ and ‘men putting fingers up bottoms’ . He also said his dad took his clothes off and wee’d behind the tv. His behaviour was sexualised at time and he would thrust his groin into my own head and talk about how he would put his willy on someone if they were a lady. He also went off watching the tv and appeared afraid of it. Obviously I reported this and it was escalated to police. In family court, no findings were made against father and judge did not accuse me of making this is to prevent contact.
My son is now 7 and had his first contact with dad in June, supervised by me. Within two weeks of seeing his dad he has refused to watch tv and hasn’t seen anything since beginning of July. He has not been alone with dad so I am not implying he has shown him anything untoward. I have to promote contact and accept the findings of I risk losing my son. But what I am struggling with is that no one has offered me any other explanations for my son’s behaviour. During a recent conversation with the cafcass worker, she even told me that the advice I was given back in 2017 wasn’t the best as it only fuelled my anxieties. Can anyone give me any other reasons why my child at 4 would have described and acted out the things he did if it wasn’t because he had seen them. If there is any plausible reason I will find it easier to accept the judges findings and move on. Thank you

Oh this is so hard for you - I hope you’re ok - you must be really anxious - your son viewing porn (either inadvertently or not) at his Dad’s possibly? I would really keep a close eye on this and make a written record of any unusual behaviour that concerns you (be it sexualised or not) including dates, times and when your son has visited his Dad just in case a pattern emerges - you could let professionals have sight of this if necessary. You are absolutely right to be wary and I’m sure you know your own son 🌸🌼

@MadameTuffington it is extremely hard, especially as every other professional bar the court took it seriously. No one has given me any other explanations and now my child will not allow me to put the tv on since seeing his dad again, only makes it harder as I believe it is further evidence he witnessed this in care of dad. I believe seeing his dad again after 3 years has triggered a memory but he probably doesn’t know what it means.

Please find a psychotherapist for your dc. I know of great results working with a similar aged dc post csa....
Ask your GP for a referral...

@Sunnydaysstillhere thanks for your reply. I suggested to cafcass that my child has counselling to support him with the behaviours he is exhibiting since contact with dad resumed (constantly wearing baseball cap and sunglasses in house 24/7 and refusal to watch the tv). I was berated as she more or less said that memories could be planted in his head of things that didn’t really happen and I think she thought I was trying to look for further evidence. I cancelled the counselling following this conversation but I really to sort some independent help. I have wondered if psychotherapy was an option and I believe it is but I know the court will turn it against me. They have suggested he has a psychological assessment but I am sure this is a biased assessment with the sole aim of seeing if I am to blame for his reluctance to spend time with his dad.

Is the matter still in court?

You said you supervised the contact - is this an ongoing process for a period of time leading to unsupervised contact?

@JustAnotherLawyer it was supervised by me until last weekend when I had to encourage him to go off with his dad alone. He was quite afraid as he is like a stranger to him. He is already saying he doesn’t want to go. If the judge had listened to cafcass recommendations, he would have been having overnight stays after just two or three contacts. Thankfully the judge agreed to a more stepped approach. I really don’t understand why they push for overnight stays ASAP, esp in this case where there has been no contact for 3 years until recently

Sorry forgot to add, yes the matter is still in court. Apparently the longest running one at almost 3 years! Crazy

Pay for the therapy of necessary.. It does not have to be mentioned in court but your ds needs it.
A top police officer involved in the case I mentioned said in her professional opinion the things dc declared did indeed happen exactly as stated. At 3/4 she said no such things would be so detailed and precise unless true. Do not be fobbed off op.

@Sunnydaysstillhere I agree with you. I do not see how my child would say and describe these things if he had not seen them, repeatedly. He even told the school safeguarding officer he didn’t like going to his dads because there were men’s and ladies doing things on the tv he didn’t like. Do you think therapy now, 3 years after the trauma, would help? I’m afraid of opening a can of worms. He was ok until he started to see his dad recently. Cafcass are sending someone to school to talk about his wishes and feelings but I hear of so many negative experiences where a child has said something which doesn’t conform to what they want to hear and brush it under the carpet.

Play therapy... Painting and drawing.. Apparently at a young age putting bad things on paper can take them out of their heads. Obviously not that simple but that was the gist... You may gain some sort of 'evidence'... Having it dealt with ASAP is the best long term damage limitation prospect. Subjecting ds to the same possibile scenario should be taken more seriously imo. A therapist may be willing to be a witness via their work with your ds.

I think it's highly likely you son was around while his dad watched porn. It clearly frightened him, and seeing his dad reminded him of the incidence. Maybe a child psychologist would help him?

@tornadoalley when he was asked at 4 yrs old if his dad was there or not, he said his dad was there and took his pants off and wee’d behind the tv. It wasn’t a case of accidental viewing I’m sure. He was deliberately exposed to this. He was always trying to put his willy on me and a lot of other things. I feel like I’m about to crack up promoting this contact. Not only do I have the fear of it happening again, I also have to be amicable to someone who mentally abused me for years. I am not sure I can do it without losing the plot but if I tell the court this it will go against me I am sure.

@yosemite78. Have you contacted the NSPCC to ask their advice? They may have some ideas for safeguarding your DS where his dad is concerned.

Also DS needs you to talk to him about what is going on now and if anything is upsetting him. However I know abusive men are highly manipulative and a young child is the easiest target in the world to intimidate and force into keeping ‘secrets’.

Have you found any online support groups in similar situations? Maybe worth looking for some.

Do you have a solicitor?
If so, ask them to make a Part 25 application for a psychological assessment of your child under s38(6) children act. Ask for a question to be included about the effect on you, mentally, to have to promote contact even though you believe your sons disclosures.

This will give the court a full picture of what is happening with your son. Despite the fact no findings were made, you obviously believe your child and this is highly distressing for you. it will be able to suggest strategies be put in place to help your child and you cope with contact.

The expert can also assess Father and ascertain his views on what your son is saying and if he is capable of supporting him.

Risk is the report comes back “damning” on you and states you don’t accept the findings of the court.

@Crazycatlady83
Thanks. I don’t have a solicitor as I can’t afford one after spending ££££ on barristers and adjourned hearings. Cafcass initially suggested this but the way the draft order was worded was horrific as it talked about transferring residency if they didn’t think I could promote contact. Trouble is I am trying my best but when I see this odd behaviour in my ds which has emerged since seeing him it is making me believe even more he was abused. It’s also stirring up all the abuse I suffered at the hands of him when during the 3 years of no contact I thought I had “got over it”. I want to accept the findings but I feel his dad is trying to make me look neurotic. Today, he had ds 3 hours on his own. He is aware of the issues I have raised regarding ds refusing to watch tv since July and how he seems afraid of it. It is the same as when he was 4 before his disclosure. On collecting ds, his dad couldn’t wait to tell me they had been watching tv in his fancy Tesla car. I know I shouldn’t have questioned my ds, but I know he wouldn’t have asked to watch anything. He said he didn’t want to watch it. I know his dad only did this so he can report back to cafcass that he was “fine” with watching tv and he doesn’t know what the problem is. He wants to make me look like I am a liar, as that’s what he does. Why on earth on a nice sunny day, he would waste it sat in his car watching tv with a child he rarely sees? For one reason only, I’m sure of it.

And I know I’d probably fail the psychological test ranting on like this! Sorry

Has Cafcass appointed your ds a legal guardian? I refused the prospect of exh seeing MY dc. I was classed as being obstructive. They appointed a guardian who was impartial and spoke on behalf of the dc.

This is the problem with fact finds. Regardless of what the court says, you believe your child and no amount of the Judge saying “it didn’t happen” will change that! I understand you would have been told to accept the findings (and the threat of a change of residence looms over you) It’s so hard for you though. Has cafcass given any recommendations as to assistance on how you are suppose to accept the findings? (Which is what a s38(6) would do. Just saying “accepted it or we will change residence” isn’t exactly helpful

Actually, has anyone suggested a family assistance order (this would require a social worker to “befriend” your family and help you cope with issues arising from contact) Might be worth looking into?

@Crazycatlady83 no one has suggested a family assistance order. I will google it and find out more about it. I am thinking of emailing the guardian and telling her I am struggling to accept the findings since noticing a change in my dc behaviour, in particular, his aversion to tv. I am not sure if this will go against me and be another nail in my coffin though! At the end of the day, the judge made no findings I had fabricated any of this. He wrongly thought I was over anxious about impending overnight stays but this wasn’t the case. I was worried how my 4 yr old would cope, only because he was constantly refusing to spend just 1 day with dad. That was the reason. The judge didn’t really comment on the sexualised behaviour I described or the things he said so I can only assume that if he didn’t think I’d invented this, he must believe what I said or he would have accused me of fabricating the story??? He also blamed me for not exploring other explanations for child’s behaviour and was too quick to point finger of blame at dad because of my negative feelings towards him. Surely this was down to the professionals to explore, not just me. I was guided by them at the time. No one now, 3 yrs later, has offered any alternative explanation why he would be talking about men putting willies in ladies mouths, fingers up bums, wanting to “wee” on my head etc etc.

It sounds very difficult. Have a look at family assistance orders. Be careful what you say to cafcass, as you say you don’t want it to count against you. Get legal advice if you can

@Crazycatlady83 I can’t afford legal advice unfortunately, already spent thousands and still repaying loan. Do you think asking guardian for her opinion on my child’s behaviour, especially his behaviour around a tv could go against me then? It’s absolutely crazy as their critical judgments make matters worse, I’m sure. I think I’ll just try and step back, but it’s very hard when I see how my boy has changed since seeing dad again. But if dad does mention watching Netflix in his car to try and prove there isn’t any issue with dc watching tv, I will have to tell her how dc was upset and still refused to watch anything at home on the tv. A few weeks before this, He even bribed dc with money to let him take a photo of him smiling. I witnessed this and felt extremely uncomfortable, as he just wouldn’t listen or accept dc didn’t want his photo taken. I know this probably sounds trivial, but it shows his character, he always has to get what he wants, no matter what.