Domestic abuse - finances

[QueenoftheLight]

I'm in the process of divorcing an abusive man with whom I was granted a non molestation and occupation order against. We have 3 young children who he contributes nothing towards. He says he's unemployed and on UC but I believe he's working and getting cash in hand so that his bank statements show he has no finances.

I've reached the Decree Nisi stage of the divorce process. I understand that I now need to complete the financial statement. I am self employed and am now starting to earn a decent salary. We own a house together (mortgaged). Part of the abuse he subjected me to was financial - withholding finances/ constantly questioning me over mine/ wanting to constantly go through my bank statements making me feel like I was lying or spending money on wrong things etc. It was a massive issue and caused me considerable distress.

I know this may sound like a huge overreaction but him now having access to the last 12 months of my bank statements and earnings feels like a massive violation because of what he subjected me to. It won't matter to him showing me his because he's been clever enough to not have any income showing.

My question is in cases of domestic abuse will I need to show him my bank statements when submitting the financial order or are there any clauses which can protect me from this. I don't care so much about giving him my monthly earnings/ outgoings but the thought of him having access to all the detail in my bank statements really upsets me.

I get it OP. Been there. Microscopic investigation of my measly expenses vs his spending on booze, cigarettes, car finances etc etc. Yes it was mortifying handing over my bank statements. But you have nothing to loose. You are already in a much better place, I assume managing your own finances successfully.

This will out me but - one of my bank statements showed an entry for Ann Summers (I was in a new relationship, and I'd bought a new set of regular not peephole/crotchless/erotic underwear in the Christmas sale). I still chuckle at the thought of him finding that little gem, whilst all I got from his was £20 a day in the local Spar on fags and booze.

It's a necessary evil, but in the grand scheme of things the everyday spending isn't relevant. Let him see how much you earn - have pride that you're managing on your own.

Put in a claim to CMS. If he ever does go legit it'll catch up with him. Can they assess based on perceived lifestyle? (sorry, I've limited experience in this as my ex has used the fact he pays the CMS amount as his own 'holier than thou' stick to demonstrate what a good parent he is despite not seeing them for months on end)

Thanks AyeCorona1

I spoke to a solicitor. It seems that I will have to show the statements regardless of the domestic abuse. They also raised the issue that now he is 'unemployed' he could technically try to claim money from me. Unlikely given I'm supporting 3 children on my own but a possibility. This made me feel sick to my core. I think I now need to think smart and get everything in order with the help of a solicitor.

And great advice re. CMS. Thank you

@QueenoftheLight are the children resident with you for the majority of the time? Even 50/50? If they are he's got next to no chance of claiming CMS from you. If it's with regard to disparity in official income and divvying up matrimonial assets, the starting point is 50/50. Potentially more to you if you have the kids more. If he's not officially working and there's no reason why not, he'll be expected to get a job, any job, to support himself and provide for his kids, just as mums can't expect to stay as SAHMs once their children are of school age.

That's massively helpful thank you.

Yes all 3 kids live with me. His contact with them is erratic, inconsistent and sporadic at best. He hasn't contributed towards them for probably about a year now.

That's very reassuring to hear. I absolutely accept that division of assets needs to happen but it's just now dawned on me that his master plan is to get some kind of maintenance from me - which is why he's been telling anyone that'll listen that he can't work because of the 'psychological abuse' I've subjected him to. Seriously you couldn't make this shit up.