Sole Custody

[BetweenARockAndAHardPlace88]

Myself and my DH exwife are considering trying to get sole custody for both sets of children.

DH has been found to have been stealing money from my parents since march for cocaine. In that period of time he has become increasingly emotionally abusive and manipulative. Exwife went through the same.

Lots of lies to hide his past and create his own version, which is why for years I was gullible enough to fall for it.

We had up until lockdown ss and sd near enough eow unless they had other plans. During this time I realised I was the one being left with all the actual care while he slept or done other things.

This has also had a detrimental effect on scs mental health due to the relatiobship with their father.

Scs are 11 and 8.

My dc are 3 months and 2 years.

Yesterday I had to call an ambulance after chasing him down for ages as he had left threatening suicide unless I took him back. Naturally despite everything and believing it was lies, I still felt the need to protect him. I had kicked him out due to pushing me in front of the children.

Hospital assessed him. Sent him home. Despite my pleas to keep him there.

This is all just a small glimpse into who he is. I'm too emotionally exhausted to go into everything.

I have evidence of the drug use from him talking about it during a WhatsApp conversation.

Because of this, the lack of trust, the very obvious "I'll do anything to suit myself" and the damage and pain he has caused his elder two.

I am loathe to leave him knowing he could likely go to court and get eow. Purely as I can't trust him to look after them.

All this happened when my father was in hospital for three months. In that time I was only able to see him four times. Two of which my sister babysat. As even when my dh knew I was in hospital holding my dads hand while he had a feeding tube put in, only being gone two hours. I had phone calls about how he couldn't manage etc it was all kicking off bla bla.

And exwife is worried that without me with him her children wouldn't be cared for properly either.

When exwife and him went to court - she demanded a hair strand test and they said due to the fact he was in the army it wasn't needed. He is only in it part time. If he goes at all. But was able to sway the judges opinion on that alone. He is that manipulative.

He is now claiming he will get help, and all the rest. Is currently waiting on therapy.

I can't leave him if it means I would have to hand my children over to him eow knowing no one was there to watch him. He is capable in short bursts, or when there is support. There is no denying he does love his children. He just isn't able to manage them. Let alone as due to the nature of his work he would have both dc and sc together at the same time. 4 kids when he can't manage 2 for a couple hours. It terrifies me. And his ex.

I would happily allow supervised contact. With someone i trusted or in a contact center. But certainly nothing more.

Otherwise I fear I will have to stay to protect the children and just hope therapy actually makes him better :(

You really need proper legal advice asap rather than asking the internet as you can get quite dodgy advice on here (some good stuff too but it can be hard to tell the difference!).

'Custody' is not really a legal concept in this country, courts consider more about which parent the children will live with (residence) and which parent they will spend time with and how much/how frequently (contact). It seems quite likely that if you have always been the main carer it would be ordered that the children would live with you and have some level of contact with their father - it's quite difficult to get an order for no contact at all (but it sounds like this isn't what you want) but if you can prove regular/serious drug use and/or that the children wouldn't be safe with him an order might be made for supervised or indirect contact only, at least for a period while he sorts himself out.

Quite aside from all the other issues you mention with the drugs etc, prolonged EOW contact is not normally/always ordered for babies and pre-schoolers as little and often is often best at that age, particularly for the baby as its acknowledged babies will struggle with long periods away from their main carer. It will be different for your step children as they are older but as far as I know your DH's ex will need to sort that out separately from your case unless you have parental responsibility for them as well?

As I say, get legal advice - you will probably be advised to try mediation with your DH first although there are circumstances where you can skip that step and go straight to court. In the meantime if you can think about a reasonable proposal for contact that stands a chance of being mutually acceptable that would be the best way - do you think he'd agree to supervised contact, at least for the first few months? This can be at a contact centre but this costs money which can be a sticking point, or if he has a relative (parents? siblings?) you trust to supervise contact that can be a good compromise...

I think I'm just looking for information on what best to ask for a solicitor. And maybe experiences? I'm sorry I know i don't really make much sense atm, my head is just everywhere and nowhere.

I would be more than happy for supervised contact. But the only family that lives near us on his side that I truly trust is his sister. And even then, she wouldn't want to go against him if it was needed. She is a lovely girl, but I would worry she wouldn't tell me things to protect him.

Nor do i think he would even agree to it, as once he knew it was over I fully expect him to get nasty. As now I see what he was doing to his exwife for what it really was.

And I'm just so worried. So worried. Thay whatever choice I make will be the wrong one.

Cos if he didn't change after doing this to his ex and elder children, he won't with me or mine no matter how much I hope.

Then three years down the lije he has eow and I still don't trust him to have them.

Sorry, I also forgot to mention that up until this came out - we were planning to move an hour and a half away. (Contact with his elder two would not have been affected) .

He is now claiming if I leave he will stop me. Despite all my family living there and the only support I have.

Problem is, I don't drive. But surely if he was willing to do that drive eow to collect his elder children the same could happen but the other way around?

I don't drive. So it would be on him, but it would have been on him anyway eow regardless.

Would the courts count the fact it was a planned move into account? Or would they see it as me pushing him away from his children as I know little and often is preferred for smaller ones

I will say he is a loving father.

Although he is far more attentive to my two. I used to have to kick him up the arse with his elder children.

Now I think he is only nicer cos it sweetens me

to watch it I mean. He always knew i was angry in regards to how he was more distant with the elder two. They are lovely children and deserved a devoted dad just as much ad mine do.

But he knew watching him play with any of them and the like used to melt me completely. And naturally I saw it more often as our two are here constantly