Clare's Law

[socialhermit]

Clare's Law is for women in a new relationship to find out if they are at risk domestic abuse.

Can I use Clare's Law to find out if I am at risk from a male friend/neighbour? He's very intense and I don't think I want to be his friend anymore. But I'm a bit scared of distancing myself from this friendship...I'm scared of making him angry.

He's probably done nothing wrong, but he does have an incredibly old fashioned view of women. From our conversations it's clear he sees us as weak and fragile beings, who need to be helped by men. His attitude gives me the shivers.

I could be very paranoid though because I have a history of severe abuse from male.

If I could just find out from the law what my risk is, it might help me manage this friendship/association.

It's worth a shot? Always trust your instincts.
Are you okay OP?

So does anyone know?

Can you use Clare's Law to find out if you are at risk from a friend or neighbour?

This guy sits on his balcony most of the day with a direct vision into my flat ☹️ it's scaring me.

Or is it only for romantic relationships?

What does he do that makes him seem so angry? What sort of things does he say? Do you want to talk a bit more about it? It's okay if you don't want to of course

Ask at your local police station?

@SpillTheTeaa

I'm okay thanks!

Just a bit worried about how to manage this neighbourly relationship. 😳

He sounds creepy! He shouldn't be just looking into your flat! Can he see when you leave the flat etc?

He's not angry or aggressive at all. Just very intrusive. I get the impression that my friendly hellos are misinterpreted by him. He's just a bit too much. Also in every conversation it is so clear that he thinks women are very weak and feeble and incapable. I could list all of the things he has said to me that make me cringe....but I don't want to! Please take my word for it!

He's not an aggressive or scary prescence. Just a uncomfortable slightly skin crawling prescense.

I also can't get away from him because his balcony, and where he chooses to sit, looks directly into my balcony and my flat

Can you purchase the tinted window stickers so he can't see in your flat anymore? You can get them fairly cheaply. You can see out but he'll just see a reflection of his creepy self.

I thought about getting them, but the reviews say that they really reduce the sunlight coming in. And the balcony is the only 'window ' to let sunlight into my flat. So I got some sheer curtains (voiles), so I can draw them back or close them up depending on what's going on! So I had the balcony door open for fresh air , but the voile curtain pulled for privacy.....and he's shouting out "Hey (socialhermit!) how are you? How's it going?!!" ....is it not obvious that my curtain is pulled because I want privacy?!!

Me, being me, afraid to upset anyone, replied with a big smile and hello how are you

Based on the guidance, Clares law can only be used to look up your partner or the partner of a close family member.

Yes he knows when I'm in or out.

Very very sexist attitude. As in he constantly wants to 'help' me with things. He can't believe I don't have anyone to 'help' me. He doesn't understand how I can manage to carry a tin of paint back from the shop without help. And surely if you can do that it must only be one tin of paint at a time?! And you said you were wallpapering your living room....let me guess it MUST be flowers!! And....I saw a bicycle on your balcony that had been dismantled....Do you want me to put it back together for you (no thanks I disassembled and reassembled myself).

Also, I told him I'm a nurse but currently not working. Next time I see him...so uhh, you would like to be a nurse would you socialhermit?! (No I am a nurse!)

Constant questions about my family, are they still around or am I on my own? Yes they are around! But the same questions again and again! I think he is looking for some vulnerability.

I just wish he wasn't there

I don't like to read into everything with the assumption that it's dodgy, but he does sound like he's trying to determine how to get more involved with you and what resistance there may be in terms of other people you may be close to. You're right to refuse his help with anything. Do not become beholden to this man for anything.

I have some of the rabbitgoo covers for windows and we still get light, but it comes in lovely rainbows too. I do suggest trying it. I would also suggest some tall pretty bamboo stuff for the balcony, unless his is above yours too and he'd see over.

Don't hold back from ringing 101 if you feel threatened or you feel his behaviour is escalating. Keep notes and dates of things just in case. You can't be too careful sometimes.

@JeanSlatersSausageSurprise

Thank you so much, you understand! I definitely think he is trying to find a vulnerability. It's so hard to explain because I don't have 'facts'. He really is creeping me out though.

I also feel really vulnerable because of his extremely close proximity to me.

I'm trying to be really vague when he asks me questions. And I've tried to make out that my dad and my brothers are really 'hard'!!

I don't know about Clare's Law so can't advise there.

I was looking for parasols online today, and some of the sites I was looking at included screens for balconies, which might be worth a shot.

I also think that you're going to have to slowly distance yourself, he does sound creepy.

Trust your inner feeling, if it is sending alarms then you are sub consciously (and consciously) picking up on behaviours that are concerning.

Keep this person at a distance and don't be polite and nice, this weakens your defences. Just because you're a women doesn't mean you need to be nice.

You can stay silent when he yells across, if he talks to you on the street you can say sorry can't stop busy if silence feels like it would make it worse. But don't engage and feed his obsession.

Stay safe

I've managed to completely stop engaging with him. I have increased the privacy of my flat with curtains and blinds.

However, he is continuing to be very attention seeking.

Previously it was easy for him to know if I was at home or not. Due to lockdown I am mostly at home. He is out on his balcony every 30 minutes smoking....sitting directly facing my flat/balcony. He would always be having these horrendous coughing fits. Before I suspected he was a bit scary I was worried about him and I frequently expressed my concern about his health.

My new (black out) curtains mean it probably looks like I'm not at home. Also, I rarely open the balcony door anymore. I can still hear him out there when the doors/curtains are closed, but he's pretty quiet. Amazingly his coughing fits almost completely stopped 😳

Now his coughing fits only happen if I decide to open the balcony door for a bit (so clearly I'm home), or if after it gets dark and I put the light on, and I don't fully close the blackout curtains so I can let air in.....so he knows I'm here because of the light. In these circumstances he comes out on his balcony coughing and choking like he is going to die. I know it is a fake cough because it only happens in these 2 circumstances.

Anyway, I'm just venting here. I hope he gets the message soon that he's not going to be getting my attention. I hate the fact I have to cover my balcony views with curtains. I'm trying not to be scared of him. He's probably just lonely. It's just hard being a (single) woman and having to be so careful all the time that you don't end up as some mans prey.

Do you have a brother/close Male friend you can ask to hang around in clear view?

I've got brothers but they are not much help. I might get a muscular cardboard figurine and put him out there now and again!

Although I have got a male cousin who would definitely help me out, but unfortunately he lives in another part of the uk (plane ride away), so it wouldn't be easy. I might talk to him though and see what he says

@socialhermit

I've got brothers but they are not much help. I might get a muscular cardboard figurine and put him out there now and again!

That worked for Kevin in Home Alone!

It sounds sensible to stop engaging with him, particularly the expressions of solicitude about his health. It's quite creepy that you spotted a pattern there!

Has anyone recommended Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear" to you? Naturally not everyone who tries to work their way into people's confidence is a murderer or rapist, but even if this neighbour just wants to have you available to make his life more pleasant, he's still probably using the same manipulative techniques, so you can use GdB's detatching techniques right back!

And so what if he's not a murderer or a rapist: you find him demanding and annoying and have every right to refuse!